aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You're a very generous person: You give out help like it grows on trees, you're a lender but not a borrower, and in the bedroom you're quite the giver. But when it comes to commitment, fuhgeddaboutit. Put a cork in your butt and crown yourself "Miss(ter) Anal Retentive." Not that there's anything wrong with that. Just be sure you're not faking anyone out with your generosity of spirit in every other department.
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Beware of someone who seems to be having a little too much fun. Anyone that perky has something to hide.
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
We think Johnny Lee said it best when he sang, "Lookin' for love in all the wrong places / Lookin' for love in too many faces / Searchin' their eyes / and lookin' for traces / of what I'm dreamin' of / Hopin' to find a friend and a lover," yadda yadda yadda. Don't make us sing the whole thing, just start looking in the right places.
cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Sure, go for it. If you think you can handle the rejection. If you're experiencing a low self-esteem week, then best to stick with your safety-school booty call.
Advice: Booty Call Tips for the Ladies
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You've got to hunt for your prey in its natural habitat. If you like the nerdy, quiet type, then the mosh pit is probably the wrong place to be scoping the joint. And if you're looking for someone to walk on the wild side with, making googly eyes in the library is not going to get you far. Actually, making googly eyes in the library will probably just get you arrested, no matter what type you're looking for. Freak. (Read up on the 5 pickup lines that work.)
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Do you like to dance? Well, the stars say you should put on your dancing shoes. They may just be using that as a metaphor for getting out and socializing. But we prefer a more fundamentalist interpretation: you should seriously go out dancing this week. No, seriously. All that tension needs to be released, and a spinning class at the gym ain't gonna cut it. You need to get in touch with your inner Martha Graham: shake that body, shake your groove thing, do the hippy hippy shake. It's sure to work like some ancient mating ritual. Just be picky when it comes to picking partners for the bump and grind.
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Don't you hate it when you wish for something and then you get it, only to find out that it actually totally sucks? Yeah, well you're going to hate it even more when it happens to you again this week. It's probably going to have something to do with a luvva who appears to be giving you what you want, but there will be either strings or big fat lies attached. Be careful. And just to be on the safe side, avoid throwing pennies into fountains, blowing stray eyelashes into the ether, and pulling on wishbones.
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You're going to be impossible to resist this week, so make sure you're not handing out invitations to people who really should resist you (your best friend's significant other, your first cousin, your heartbroken ex, your pet, etc.).
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
If you want to play games this week, stick to Scrabble and Clue. Mind games won't get you laid--honesty and persistence will. And maybe Twister.
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
What you want and what you get when it comes to a partner may not be the same this week. Don't let this get you down; turn that frown upside-down by turning the connection into a friendship. And maybe your new friend will introduce you someone special. How's that for a glass-is-half-full horoscope?
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Unclench your fists, stop grinding your teeth, and quit squeezing your sphincter muscles. Take a yoga class. Drink some herbal tea. Do something. This tense organizational energy may have helped you trap a hottie, but keep it up and they're going to start gnawing their own leg off just to get away from your uptight ass.
Head here for more relationship advice people are afraid to give you.
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
The stars say that you should "wait for a sign" before divulging the contents of your heart to someone. 'Cause it turns out they might just want to be friends. In a perfect world, we'd be able to tell you exactly what form this "sign" is going to take. But damn it, we don't live in a perfect world, so you'll just have to figure that one out for yourself. Best of luck to ya.
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