Lauren Frances, Ph.DDNeed love advice? Get Lauren's Love Rx
Question: I am totally hopeless at flirting with men that I find attractive, ESPECIALLY when I'm on first or second dates. I'm okay when I'm flirting with them online, but once we actually meet up in person, I totally geek out, get tongue tied and self conscious. The person that I am just evaporates, and I'm right back to the shy girl i was in junior high. I know that it must be super confusing to my dates, because I'm highly educated, successful, and even have a Ph.D in psychology! I'd definitely appreciate your expert direction here.
Meghan in Miami
Okay Meghan, this is one of my favorite problems to solve, because it's actually so fun to fix! One of the biggest contributing factors to my career success was my early exposure to NLP, neuro linguistic programming.
As a psychologist, you probably already know that NLP is a communication system that teaches people how to get into "rapport" with someone in a powerful way so that they feel comfortable with you. The result will be a total boost in your confidence on first dates, and the likelihood of you're getting asked out on a second.
Below are some NLP exercises that I've turned into really fun and helpful flirt tips.
And Remember: Becoming more attractive isn't just about how you look, it's also about how you are showing up on all levels, especially when it comes to creating "rapport." The following exercises will show you how...
You're Love Rx: Play Follow the leader!
Certain women possess a special X-Factor that's totally captivating to men. Think Marilyn Monroe, Sophia Loren and Angelina Jolie...they just have that indescribable something. (And no, it's not just their looks!) Their body language is totally riveting to men, and actually creates a powerful magnetic SPARK.
The good news is...you can quickly create this special "It factor" at will, with the following man-friendly subliminal cues.
Play follow the Leader
To get into synch with any man, pretend that your date is your flock leader, and then begin to mirror his physical posture, body movements and vocal tempo. This is easy to do while eating your appetizer.
Example: You're sitting across from each other over drinks. When he leans in, mirror this movement several seconds later. When he settles back into his chair, slowly lean back too. He'll begin to feel open and very relaxed around you.
His inner GPS* (girl positioning system*) will be unimpeded; you are wonderful, it says, you're not crowding his airspace one bit! People who are deeply in love automatically do this without giving it conscious thought. They are just "in tune" with each other because they've been having sex all day!
Parrot his vocal tempo:
Once you're in synch with in his movements, listen to his verbal patterns. If he chirps away excitedly, parrot his upbeat rhythm. If he vocalizes in a more melodious way, answer his call by singing the same seductive tune right back to him.
Breathe in Unison
You'll be able to discern his breathing pattern by watching his shoulders rise and fall. Then sweetly breathe as one to totally enchant him. Every male will respond as if hypnotized, when you perform this simple yet powerful tantric yogic practice. Once you play follow the leader for a short while you'll have beautifully set the stage to plunge into the depths of his very soul...so let's go...and ...
Ready, aim, fire!
By now, you're mirroring his posture, his birdsong, and his breathing pattern, but to fully connect with his heart, you must go one step further. While looking deeply into his eyes, slowly inhale. Try to maintain steady eye contact for several seconds longer than you normally would.
You can break eye contact and look away and compose yourself if this gets too intense. You may even find that you laugh a little. Don't be alarmed if you do. This exercise can make even the most jaded woman blush! He'll find this display of feminine surrender charming. He'll think that he made it happen to you all by himself!
He won't have noticed that you've been mirroring him, but if he does, he'll think that you're both so in sync that you've responded to his call, and are naturally following his lead! He won't really know that he's been under your little spell, and not the other way around!
"Hmmm, I wonder if she'll follow me right into the bedroom?!"
Breathe slowly and smile softly.
Whenever you become nervous, just breathe slowly and deeply, three times in a row. On the first two breaths, look away from him, but on the third inhalation, raise your eyes to his face and breathe in and out again and smile softly. This will drive him wild.
Draw his attention to you
Any movement done deliberately and slowly is fascinating. You might try slowly spreading your napkin out on your lap and smoothing it down, or slowly drinking from your glass while looking into his eyes, eating languorously (with your mouth closed!) licking yourlips, or twirling your hair around your finger. Gestures like this will captivate his attention, and rivet it on you.
How to Signal You're Attraction to Him
You can easily communicate your attraction through tiny affectionate gestures, like touching his sleeve, smiling back at him, or brushing up against him accidentally (on purpose!) He'll get the message and respond to you in kind, by taking your hand, and moving closer to you...and closer ... mmmm.
NOTE: Flying in Formation works in the courtship phase, and every subsequent phase of manhandling. If you ever need to have a relationship "talk" this secret maneuver will unlock his heart and make him far less prone to flying off the handle at you.
Romantic Rule: Remember, birds of a feather, flock together! You're off to a fantastic start, and a date to remember!
While some of these ideas may be different to your usual way of being, give them a try and see what happens!
P.S. If you want to learn more secrets, check out my ebook Dating, Mating, and Manhandling right here! And if you're single and dating online, you can join my Man Magnet Makeover Weekend in September.
Remember to post your questions and comments right here...