My so-called sex life: On your knees, boy

We can not fix other people, people will only change when they decide to. However that does not stop you from growing, and in your own circumstances there is room for growth. No one is perfect, we all make mistakes and we all make choices that are in error. We need to take ownership of our mistakes and of the parts we play in our lives and relationships that might be less than perfect. You have an opportunity to love someone as Christ loved us. We are all here to learn to love, if we miss that we have missed the meaning of life.

Sister you still speak about religion, all the answers to life are in Gods word, the bible. The reading the bible will teach you how to better love people, including your spouse.

It is not unreasonable to want your husband by your side. As women in general we want our husbands to share in all areas of our lives. If not why get married? You are in a very difficult position for a Christian woman. When you have faith in God and know the miraculous things he does in your life, of course you want your husband to know it for himself. The message of Jesus has been complicated for far too long. It is simply to accept Jesus as our Redeemer, believe that he loves us so much that He died for our sins, and that He rose from the dead and lives. The greatest way to win your husband over is to walk in the love of Jesus and to continue to pray. Keep raising the children in church and t

GO ON SIS!THE ESSUE OF RELIGION DOES NOT MATTER,BUT WHAT IS IN YOUR HEART AND YOUR INTENTIONS MATTERS MOST.YOU BELIEVE THAT BEING CATHOLIC PREACHES EVERYTHING AND YOUR VERY VOCAL OF WHAT YOU WANTED AND WHAT YOU FEEL,BUT MAYBE YOUR HUSBAND FEEL THE SAME,BUT CAN'T EXPRESS BECAUSE OF EGO.WE ALL KNOW THAT MAN ARE EGOISTIC CREATIONS,SOMETIMES WE SHOULD UNDERSTAND THE DEEPER MEANING OF LOVE AND SACRIFICES.FOR ME, AS LONG AS MY HUSBAND WON'T HEAT OR PUNCH ME OR COMMITED EXTRA MARITAL AFFAIR,NO BIG DEAL AT ALL,WHAT IS IMPORTANT IS, HE IS RESPONSIBLE AND LOVING TO THE FAMILY. ANYWAY,WE BELONG CLOSELY TO A CATHOLIC FAMILY.GUD LUCK!

I'm a Pagan and my husband is, well he really doesn't have any beliefs even though he was brought up in a Christian household. I don't force him to see things from my spiritual point of view and he doesn't bash how I see things and what I believe in. We love each other and accept each other for who we are. And no, sex and religion are not similar in any way shape or form. No matter if you may not be in the mood early on and then halfway through feel the heat and passion and get all horned up, I can guarantee without a shadow of a doubt that your husband will not suddenly "see the light" halfway through a Sunday sermon. Your spirituality comes from your heart while your passion and desire for sex is driven by your groin. Last time I took a biology class those things were located in 2 totally different areas.

Yeah now people are going to be clammering about how sex has to do with emotions like love and I say to you...BULLSHIT! DO you think that the first human beings to have sex were in love? No. They wanted to survive. It was about survival of the fittest. Thus why animals procreate. So yes, I am comparing us to animals. When it all comes down to it, and I really want you to stop and think about it. Be honest now. When you have sex, are you thinking about if your partner is enjoying themself? I know I'm not. I'm thinking about how good it feels to ME and what he can do to make it feel better for ME. So please stop comparing religion with sex. It sickens me to think that someone out there is actually that stupid to think that getting down on your knees to pray can compare to getting down on your knees to suck your man's johnson.

My first question would be, has he EVER been to Mass with you? I'm a Catholic too and love it and my heart would be broken if he has never at least gone with you once. Maybe you can just ask him for one SUnday a month to be with you and the family at Mass and I always sweeten the deal with friends who are fallen away Catholics by saying we'll go out to breakfast together.
The one thing you should be doing about it is praying about it and hope that God puts on his heart that he should go with you and the family at least once in a while.

Good luck!

The idea that one must be religious to give their kids good advice in times of crisis is kind of ludicrous, Emily Jane-- unless, of course, it's a spiritual crisis. I give great advice to people that actually works (without divine inspiration or intervention) and I think the last time I was in a church was roughly 1999 for one hour for a wedding. But anyways. . . .

A lot of people don't go to church except for weddings and funerals. If you married Rex knowing he wasn't church-goer, then you have to accept it. Church isn't for everybody. And everybody isn't into it. Forcing people to go to church when they may not believe in God or they may not support the idea of organized religions (there is a difference) is actually being preachy in a very subtle way and it's a quite disrespectful and perhaps even offensive to the irreligious.

Seriously, forcing somebody to go to church may violate their very sense of who they are and it may insult their sense of their own intellect or their own sense of where they fit in the world. I find church offensive because it tells me how to think and how to behave-- when I don't need God's emissaries to tell me to treat people right and that mistreating people will only bring me heartaches and headaches. That basic message (along with may of the others that religions contains) is common sense in my world and I don't need it to be backed up by God when my personal experiences with real people in the real world are proof enough for me.

And the idea that church and sex are similar is also pushing it. Coaxing your long-time lover to have sex is merely foreplay and both of you usually end up enjoying it. Plus if you actually insist on saying no, he would back off if he's as wonderful a man as you say he is. In contrast, forcing church on somebody is forcing your values, your way of thinking, and your ideals on another person. That's pretty disrespectful, especially since Rex doesn't seem to poke fun at your godliness, he doesn't seem to begrudge your church attendance, and he has no issues with allowing the kids to be raised in the church. And I would bet money Rex would and has backed off on the sex thing when you have said no and meant it.

So if he insists on not going to church, maybe you should be just as wonderful as he is and respect his stance on religion. He respects yours.

you knew and loved him for how he was when you married him period. To expect that he should "kneel" to your wants now is putting undo pressure on your marraige. Perhaps you married too quickly without reviewing all the posibilities that may arise from different religions. Let him be and don't hold sex back because he won't go to church with you. That is just childish! If now years later with children your standards have changed perhaps you should rethink your marraige or work on getting that old flame back and continuing to have your own images whatever that may be. Don't ever marry or stay in a relationship where you think you can or even are going to try to change someone.

The idea that one must be religious to give their kids good advice in times of crisis is kind of ludicrous, Emily Jane-- unless, of course, it's a spiritual crisis. I give great advice to people that actually works (without divine inspiration or intervention) and I think the last time I was in a church was roughly 1999 for one hour for a wedding. But anyways. . . .

A lot of people don't go to church except for weddings and funerals. If you married Rex knowing he wasn't church-goer, then you have to accept it. Church isn't for everybody. And everybody isn't into it. Forcing people to go to church when they may not believe in God or they may not support the idea of organized religions (there is a difference) is actually being preachy in a very subtle way and it's a quite disrespectful and perhaps even offensive to the irreligious.

Seriously, forcing somebody to go to church may violate their very sense of who they are and it may insult their sense of their own intellect or their own sense of where they fit in the world. I find church offensive because it tells me how to think and how to behave-- when I don't need God's emissaries to tell me to treat people right and that mistreating people will only bring me heartaches and headaches. That basic message (along with may of the others that religions contains) is common sense in my world and I don't need it to be backed up by God when my personal experiences with real people in the real world are proof enough for me.

And the idea that church and sex are similar is also pushing it. Coaxing your long-time lover to have sex is merely foreplay and both of you usually end up enjoying it. Plus if you actually insist on saying no, he would back off if he's as wonderful a man as you say he is. In contrast, forcing church on somebody is forcing your values, your way of thinking, and your ideals on another person. That's pretty disrespectful, especially since Rex doesn't seem to poke fun at your godliness, he doesn't seem to begrudge your church attendance, and he has no issues with allowing the kids to be raised in the church. And I would bet money Rex would and has backed off on the sex thing when you have said no and meant it.

So if he insists on not going to church, maybe you should be just as wonderful as he is and respect his stance on religion. He shows a modicum of respect to yours, after all, simply by refraining from ridicule and allowing his kids to be raised in the church.

Michael - I appreciate all your comments. You don't happen to be married to someone that begins with the letter "A" and have two children, "M" and "I"? Like how surreptitious I'm being? Either way, thank you. I value your comments very much.

Hi all - Just checking back in. I've enjoyed reading all of your comments. I have mixed feelings at this point. While I agree that it would be nice to have Rex attend church with me (no, he does not go even once a month) I also am aware that I married him for who he was, and who I was. I didn't know that I would become more religious as time went on. It's like many things: We marry and then we change personally. It's not okay to suddenly force someone to change because I have. But at the same time, it doesn't mean I can't ask here and there.

Some of you have called me manipulative because one night I didn't want to have sex with him. I was angry. I'm not a doormat who can just open her legs and have sex just to have sex. I can guarantee that if I did that, the same people who say I'm manipulative would say I'm a weak person for having sex when I wasn't in the mood.

99% of the time I'm okay with Rex for who he is. And we have sex on a regular basis. But for me, it's more about him having an absolute objection to church that bugs me. It's not just about the God thing. I am very open minded always. So why is it okay for me to say yes yes yes to things I'm not interested in, but for him to say no? And yet, like I said before, marriage is a give and take. Maybe he just doesn't want to go to church now, and I have to accept it.

Finally, I understand that many of you don't feel sex and religion/spirituality are linked. But I have to disagree. At least for me, anyway. I'm not one to biologically just want to have sex. Emotions are tied in also. And if that's the case, and I'm not feeling supported, it's hard for me to be in the mood. But as someone else said, it's about my relationship with God, not forcing my partner to feel the way I do. That is very very true.

Anyway, people, thank you for your thoughts.

I am Pagan and my Fiance is Buddhist. Though he doesn't beleive in my Gods and Goddesses, he still respects that I DO. He comes to church functions with me, and though he doesn't paticipate in ritual, he's there to socialize and soak up the good vibe that a group of like-minded people can put off. He has even gone so far as to talk about having a Pagan Handfasting ceremony, because he understands how important it is to ME. We all do things we don't necessarily want to (or believe in???) for the ones we love. Marriage is a compromise like that.

I'm not saying Rex should be there every Sunday morning, (remember, compromise) but once a month wouldn't hurt, would it??

"So why is it okay for me to say yes yes yes to things I'm not interested in, but for him to say no?"

What are these things you are not interested in, but you say "yes, yes, yes" to? Sex? That's the only thing you mentioned in the article. Seriously, you aren't -interested- in sex? Even a little?

Based on your other writings, I am making the assumption that you have a libido that is at least nominally "normal", but that you are occasionally not in the mood. That's a rather different proposition than for Rex and religion. He is NEVER interested in religion. That would be as if you were NEVER in the mood for sex, and he insisted that once a week you be "a doormat who can just open her legs and have sex just to have sex." He should just open the car door and show up at church just to show up?

I wouldn't call you manipulative for not wanting to have sex that night because you were mad. But I would be careful about drawing an analogy that broadly.

I once read unconditional love asks for nothing in return. That isn't how most people get into relationships. Indeed, love often arises after conditions are met. But people change.

Commitment is a pledge to do something in the future. For example, to love them when those conditions are no longer valid.

What I believe most people aspire to on some level is unconditional love of self, and by extension others. While I also believe this supports commitment, especially in the long run, in practice very often the opposite is true in a relationship. It is hard work sometimes finding solutions that are not mutually exclusive, which can erode commitment.

Here's one idea. Have him take you and the kids to church for your time together and pick you up afterward. Then you all do something together. It'll be up to him to decide whatever that may be.

And another thing for all of you who want to grandstand and make this some sort of philosophical showdown. She said he doesn't oppose the children being raised in the church, he just doesn't want to go.

Wow, how manipulative of you.
He came to you, up front and honest about his disinterst in your religion. And you were fine with that, fine enough to marry him. And now you want to hold it over his head. I feel sorry for him. Religion is not everybody's cup of tea. Maybe you should have thought about these things before you got married and made a life with him.
If I was married to someone who nagged me to go to church when they knew all along that I wasn't interested, I would question our relationship. You either take someone for better or worse, or not.

Honestly everyone has their own views on religion. It had never done anything for me. I was born and raised Catholic. And when I was 15 years old I began to question the church's principles and question whether God believed in them or not. I left the church at 17 and vowed to never return to the immense guilt and blindness that i was thrown into as a child. I am still a child of God; however, God and I are working things out spiritually and at my own pace. Religion does nothing but divide people. We should bring together people not segregate them based on their religions. If you husband chooses not to attend then don't bother him about it. Him and God have their own relationship to worry about. You should not intervene. And by you using mild threats and punishments seems kind of mean and non understanding of you. Everyone deserves to have their own relationship with God.

I'm in a similar situation like you, where my fiancee does not have any religion and I was born into a Catholic family. And religion has never played a major role in our relationship. If you married him for his "human" qualities, not religious ones, then who are you to tell him or URGE him to go to church w/ you? Religion should be a choice. You married him and accepted the fact that he wasn't your religion so why bother now? He'll go if he wants to go...no force or urgency is necessary.

It is hard to raise and family why being divided due to religion. I do feel for you since I have been there myself. Worshiping as a family unit is important and even though you married him being of a different faith I am sure a small part of you always hoped he would soften towards your faith and the faith you are instilling in the children that you both parent. I agree with Amy An and see if there is any compromise that can be made and throw in an incentive to give him something to look forward to. Eventually he will see what you are wanting him to see. Take Care

You are who you are What makes you sucessful or unsucessful is your experience in life. Relegion of any kind is nogthing---Guidance

This is so interesting to me and I like reading everyone's comments. I especially like the comment religion divides faith unites.

Believing in something is intimate. I've always been curious about different belief systems and am honored when a friend wants to share that part of themselves with me. But the issue for me isn't about his or her beliefs per se. It's about his disinterest in a community to which his wife and children belong. Feeling validated and supported rather than isolated. Beliefs might be private and personal but putting them into practice often isn't. Maybe he's done enough by not opposing their participation. I'm a romantic to believe people in good relationships grow with each other rather than apart from each other. Leaving this unsettled doesn't follow the former in my opinion. I hope Andrea writes how they settle it, and that there's plenty of knees and johnsons in it.