When you're smitten with a special someone, it's hard not to gush. But saying too much to your besties about your dates, hook-up sessions and intimate pillow talk could actually be harmful to your budding relationship. To find out where to draw the line on the sexy scoop you dish to your pals, we chatted with Janice Christopher, a relationship expert, coach, consultant and founder of What's Ideal for You. Keep reading to find out if you are guilty of committing relationship TMI and, if so, how to change your spilling habits.
Life2PointOh: Is it possible for a woman to reveal too much about her relationship to her friends and family?
Janice Christopher: It's really important to be choosy and careful when revealing information to family and friends. Sometimes we just need to vent in that moment, but the moment passes. Then we leave our friends and family with a bad impression of our guy. Let's say you have a concern or suspicion he's been texting other women. The first thing you do is reach out to your two best friends to report the offense. You and your friends get into an uproar, and declare yourselves the judge and jury, convicting him of infidelity without a trial, or even so much as a conversation. Here's the problem-when you have your epic chat with him, you realize you were wrong. It was your own insecurity creating this story of infidelity. The conversations were innocent and now you realize your man has women friends. It's all good and you realize you made all of this drama and pain for yourself for nothing. But your friends now think your guy is a jerk, and you don't. You were the only one who heard his explanation first hand, saw the look in his eyes, and heard him declare his undying fidelity. Oops!
Life2PointOh: Where do you draw the line in friendly gossip versus relationship TMI?
J.C.: Friendly gossip is best done when you're saying complimentary things about your guy. Gossip about how sexy he is. Talk about what you really dig about your man. This can only make your friends love and respect him for making you so happy. They may even get jealous, which could be fun under certain circumstances. TMI is when you hear the gory details about sex, bodily functions, or when you're violating his trust.
Life2PointOh: When is it OK to ask your friends for advice on issues within the relationship?
J.C.: I always like to talk about (my proprietary definitions) Red, Yellow and Green lights. It's really helpful to debrief your dates or your relationship with your friends in the context of running your concerns through their filter. They have your best interest at heart and may be able to offer you some good perspective. Let's say you're concerned about how a man is treating you. It might be a yellow flag for you. Does he take too long to respond to your call or text? Ask your friends what they think. Let's say you've attracted yet another loser. Ask your friends if this guy seems like the last relationship mistake you made. Let them help you notice negative patterns you seem to keep repeating. Is the relationship moving too fast or too slow? This is a good topic to review with your friends. Then draw your own conclusions.
Life2PointOh: And what topics should be reserved to be discussed only between the two people in the relationship?
J.C.: Intimate details of your sexual practices! Nobody needs to know exactly what he whispers in your ear at that critical moment. That's private, intimate and sacred between you two. Repeating it diminishes its sacredness. Second, fights. There's no reason to air your dirty laundry to your friends. It's just not fair to your man to diminish him by bringing up negatives with your friends. And third, awkward financial situations. It's no one's business and it's embarrassing to your guy. Would you want him revealing your weak spots to his buddies, sharing your mistakes and missteps in public?
Life2PointOh: Good point! So, in a world where oversharing has become the norm (just look at Facebook and Twitter), how does spilling too much to your friends affect the trust in your relationship?
J.C.: I know my man hates when I share stuff about us on Facebook. He wants to feel free to express himself in private. Men especially don't like sharing so much. They're more private. So be careful about what you share. Keep it light, keep it brief, and make him proud. Post a complimentary picture of the two of you, include a sentence that will make him feel like a stud and leave it at that.
Life2PointOh: Why do women constantly compare their relationship to their friends' relationships? Is this based on insecurity or is it a natural human instinct?
J.C.: We are naturally competitive, so we want to see how our relationship stacks up against our friends to make sure we're getting 'enough' from our guy. And yes, this is normal. It's not necessarily healthy, but it's normal. Having said that, comparisons help us decide if we feel good about our relationship. When we look at other relationships and notice the difference between ours and theirs, we see if what we have is satisfying us the way we want it to. Maybe your friend's guy takes her out to dinner religiously every Friday night while your guy sits on the recliner burping up beer all weekend. The comparison may help you realize you're not that into spending the rest of your life with Mr. Beer Belly. It is helpful to see what is possible in a relationship by looking around you.
Life2PointOh: How do you stop the comparisons and turn the focus back to keeping some privacy in your relationship?
J.C.: You laugh, tell your friend how happy you are for her, and then change the subject. 'Hey did you guys ever try that new wine bar on State Street last weekend? I heard they have the best hummus there.'
Life2PointOh: If a friend is oversharing, how should you respond?
J.C.: Well, you could totally enjoy it, and then go home and giggle about it with your man. Use her behavior as a way to talk with your man about how the two of you do not want to conduct yourselves around your respective friends.
Life2PointOh: What should you do if a friend is asking about your relationship, but you don't want to reveal those details?
J.C.: Dodge the questions artfully! 'How big is Darrell's thing?' can be answered with 'Big enough to keep me smiling!' 'Does Vinnie earn a lot of money at that job?' can be answered by saying 'I think he has a comfortable lifestyle, plus he seems to handle his money really responsibly. I like that about him.' 'How often does Vinny have an orgasm' can be answered with 'Oh…my gosh, he's so sexy…I love what we do together!' You've satisfied her need for intimate details while complimenting your man, yet not revealing any real details. And then there's always honesty. You can always say to a good friend, 'Tony and I really like to keep our intimate relationship just for us. There are certain things we've agreed not to discuss, even with our best friends. What I am comfortable talking about is all of the things I love about him, or plans for the future and the dreams we share.'
Have you said too much about your relationship?
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