Now that I'm writing a blog about sex, it seems that everything I see somehow relates back to it. Just the other day, Rex and I were watching Modern Marvels. This episode showed the behind-the-scenes constructions of the world's biggest super highways. (You'll never in a million years guess who chose that show?) About half way in, the voiceover started talking about the support beams for freeways in Texas. "Long" and "thick" with "wide girth" they are referred to as "erection gantries".
I burst out laughing like a kid who'd just heard a fart in church. How my husband kept a straight face, I don't know. I promised to behave myself, but when the following commercial spoke of the environment and "saving the beavers" I had to leave the room. I'm super mature that way.
A few days later, while at Disneyland, my mind started wandering yet again. Maybe it was because my column was due the next day. Or maybe there's just something about singing forest creatures that shift my libido into overdrive. Either way, every single ride suddenly had this double entendre related to men and sex. You might not have an annual passport to the Happiest Place on Earth like I do, but you get a free ride into the wack-a-doo region known as my brain, so let me share some scenarios with you:
1. Peter Pan: Who hasn't dated this person? You know the one. The guy with the hot legs that sneaks in your window at night to lure you into exotic and distant lands? The bad boy hooked on the pixie dust? The one who is an awful lot of fun, but who just can't grow up? And what's with the young boys he hangs out with? And the short green mini skirt? Kind of suspicious, don't you think?
2. The Pirates of the Caribbean: I'm not sure about you, but there's something about a burly man who will throw me over his shoulder and take me to his yacht that kind of does it for me. Sure, he's a bit rough around the edges. And he drinks too much. But you just know he can drop some serious anchor.
3. Dumbo: This is my least favorite dude. The oafish beast with the manic personality. Up and down. Up and down. Up... and down. And really, where is he going with his life? He's just flying in circles. Sex with this sort of person is always very predictable: One small take off and a quick, and an unimpressive landing.
4. Pinocchio: This is the tricky kind of guy. He might act like a floppy puppet to the world the kind little dude who's nice to small animals and old people. But he's really a cad. One note from a distant carnival and he's out of sight, out of mind. Sex might be pretty exciting, I mean, talk about a guy who can grow wood at a moments notice. Plus he can sing and dance. But don't try to get him to commit. He'll be the first to say, "I've got no strings to hold me down."
5. Mister Toad: If you're the kind of girl that thinks by kissing a frog you're gonna get a prince, this just might be your dream man. But if he makes love like he drives, it's going to get pretty random and all over the place. Fasten your seatbelt it's gonna be a bumpy ride.
6. Buzz Light Year: Here's a guy with big muscles who isn't afraid to wear lots of protective gear. But he's a big talker with a deluded sense of self. And I don't know about you, but I couldn't have sex with someone who, pre-love making, started shouting, "To infinity and beyond!"
* Note: Any male readers, if you're still tuning in, I know I've made a lot of fun of you. It's not like the girls are that much better. How many of you have dealt with Alice's of Wonderland? The type that act all coy, but freak out when you fall down their rabbit hole?
Or what about the Snow Whites of the world? Oh, sure, those types seem super sweet, but then you get to find out about all those men she lived with?
And then there's the Ariel's of the world. They're great at luring you into their cove, but talk about a hard piece of tail.
I'm done now. I promise. I'm going to see if I can Rex to grab me some dinner. Perhaps some nibbles from Inn-and-Out Burger. (Tee hee!) Or maybe Kentucky Fried Chicken. He loves a nice breast. (Ha ha!) Or perhaps will just stick to reheating some sausage and meatballs.
Okay. I'm done. Really. But erection gantries? Tell me that is not hilarious.
Posted by Andrea
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