Here's what real guys think about bedazzling "down there" with crystals.
- Carrie Seim, BettyConfidential.com
You've tried everything to spruce up your lady parts. First, you made sure your garden was neat and tidy. Then, you trimmed up the hedges. (Read Does Bikini Razor Commercial Go Too Far?) Finally, you decided to go for the gold and deforested all of "virginia." Where does a girl go from here?
One sparkly, special word: Vajazzle.
Vajazzling is a burgeoning beauty treatment, popular with celebs and kinky Martha Stewart-ites alike, that involves ladies bedazzling their freshly waxed lady parts just as they would their neato neckerchiefs or fancy fannypacks - with tiny, magical crystals.
So women aren't just obsessively coiffing their "areas" to look like pre-teen Barbies - they're now glue-sticking Barbie's earrings down below, too?
Jennifer Love Hewitt sparked this sparkly trend a few weeks ago when she announced her labia luster on Lopez Tonight. "After a breakup, a friend of mine Swarovski-crystalled my precious lady," J.Love said, while discussing her new dating book. "It shined like a disco ball, so I have a whole chapter in there on how women should vajazzle their vajayjays."
It's the 2010 equivalent of slapping on some lipstick when you've got the sads.
A bonus? These "labia sprinkles" (yes, that's what I'm calling them) seem to serve double duty. They cover up those unsightly skin reactions that appear after no-nonsense Natasha rips hair from your body with her pot-o-molten-wax. Vajazzling also masks all evidence of childbirth.
Bryce Gruber, a writer from TheLuxurySpot.com just gave the old vajazzle dazzle a whirl. She underwent a vajazzling treatment to cover her C-section scars. Here's a description of the service she received from New York's Completely Bare spa, the artists behind her pretty private-part art:
"Accessorizing your privates is the hottest rage. From crystal flowers to customized favorites, you too can now decorate your own jewels. Whether it's a special occasion or you just want to sparkle everywhere, you can choose from an assortment of real Swarovski crystal designs so you can shimmer and shine."
Real Swarovski? Your vagina could shine like the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree!
Bryce has posted some shimmery spots of her "area" for all the world to see (see photos, above and on the next page). And for all of us to giggle like seventh graders about.
Here are some of the initial (hilarious) reactions from editors at BettyConfidential:
"God knows where those stones may end up - eeeeewww!"
"What if the guy ends up bedazzled too?!"
"First of all, it's got to itch. Secondly, if a stone falls out and wrecks the design, do they have an emergency number you can call to get a patch, stat? And thirdly, isn't there a chance you could wound your partner? Inquiring minds want to know!"
So of course, we also asked real guys how they'd react if they had a close encounter with a vajazzle:
"I'd give the owner of said vag a heartfelt compliment on her commitment to style in these tough economic times," said J. from Atlanta. "Then I'd appraise the cut and color of the stones, and document the arrangement for posterity."
"I'd tell her to go back to rehab," offered A. from Eagle Rock, CA.
Said P. from Los Angeles: "Just remember, there are no stupid questions when I ask, 'Glued or pierced in place?' I might add that if you do this to yourself, you have waaaaaaaay too much free time."
"Say to her, 'I'll show you mine if you show me yours,'" quips H. from New York.
As J., a female BettyConfidential reader from Florida, says:
"The only words I can think of come from the great Dolly Parton, 'I may have been born just poor white trashy, but Fancy was my name.'"
Tell Us: Would you vajazzle?
Carrie Seim, Betty's L.A. Correspondent, is a writer and comedian keeping it real in L.A., New York and @ carrieseim.com.
To read more from BettyConfidential: