Stupid Arguments and How to Banish Them Forever

Get ready, because I am going to let you in on a scary little secret: when you and your boyfriend/husband/significant other argue about something stupid, you have only your own ego to blame. Nothing more, nothing less.

This is not to say your arguments aren't valid, but the
anger
sadness and
frustration

that surges inside of you during these arguments are really just the result of feeling
unloved
alone and
invalidated.

This simple concept is one that most of us feel that we know already, but how many of us actually think about it in the middle of an argument? For example, here's one situation we've all been in before. Say you and your man are on your way to a dinner date. You strongly suggest that he take Route 101, yet he insists on taking Route 202. This situation could potentially escalate into the Great Silent Treatment of 2010. Over the next few days, you might sit around stewing, wishing that once, just once he would take Route 101 because it's both quicker and scenic. You can barely even fathom his rationale that Route 202 is a better shortcut.

Of course, this argument has nothing to do with routes, roads, cars or even him. It's only got to do with you and your ego. Now don't even try to slap me through your computer screen, because it's true! Let's play "You Advocate" for a second, and say that he's completely wrong and you're completely right. So why be angry? Really? What's the reason? The reason is simple: when he doesn't agree with you, it makes you feel unloved, alone and invalidated. Somehow even something as small as deciding which road to take can turn into a measure of self-esteem.

Luckily, there's a way around this. By isolating your "true" issue, the anger for the current, more minor situation will melt away. If you continue to butt heads about the minor issue, the major issue will develop and gain more control over you. By getting to the core issue, you can dissolve trivial arguments and work on resolving real conflicts right away.

Here are some tips for "keeping it real" instead of drowning in argument minutia:

1. Stop, drop and roll.
When arguments start, stop the natural instinct to fight back. Drop your defenses. Trust me - in meaningless arguments, you won't need them anyway. Then roll with your emotions. That means acknowledge their presence, and then allow them to subside. Emotions are there for a reason - to indicate there is a problem. Feelings like rage and despair make sense during times of crisis - but don't allow them to grab hold of you when you're arguing about nothing.

2. Agree with him.
This may seem like the most foreign concept in the Universe, but I bet there is something about his argument that has merit. Look for it. Instead of wasting time yelling and fighting, look at what he's saying and see if there's any validity in his argument. The more energy you spend trying to see his point of you, the more productive energy you are producing. If you allow yourself to entertain negative emotions like exasperation or sadness, you drain yourself of positive energy.

3. Make a joke.
Nothing stops meaningless arguments like a good joke. Have you ever been embroiled in a heated, but ridiculous battle and decide you don't even care about the whole thing anymore? Even though we may see the utter uselessness of the spat, sometimes it's hard to get out of the darn thing once we're smack in the middle of it. Many of us are too proud to simply say, "I'm sorry", shake hands, and be done with it. If you're one of the proud ones, try to make a joke out of the situation, and if you're lucky - the two of you might end your argument in laughter. It's the perfect way to exit a bad situation without a scratch.

Lisa Wright is the author of Instant Love Advice for Women, available on amazon.com. Visit her website at: www.instantloveadvice.com and write-in advice blog http://relationshipper.blogspot.com.

Follow "The Relationshipper" on Twitter: http://twitter.com/relationshipper