The Children of Affairs

My previous marriage did not survive this transgression. I consider myself a very strong, Christian woman who will (and has) forgive a lot of "sins." But to bring a child into the world as a result is something I just couldn't accept in my situation. We'd been trying to conceive for a while and I had two miscarriages. So for him to impregnate another woman with a child that could have been ours was the straw that broke the camel's back.

I know people in many marriages and relationships who've been able to overcome this but I just couldn't.

breezeway5 - thank you, thank you, thank you. my blood was boiling. and i am an extremely kind, forgiving, rational human. i realize all you Other Women (Alice) out there are getting defensive. sorry. it's a different, fantasy world you live in where husbands complain about how hard they have it at home and you believe them. you should hear my H talk about what a joke his relationship was with the other woman, he doesn't even like her. she thought they "were best friends." he can hardly understand a word she says with her foreign accent. i feel sorry for all of them. he was so full of crap and feeling sorry for himself. he seems like a really nice guy who would never hurt anyone unless he had it really bad...wah, wah...i was 8 months pregnant, supporting him, giving it up to him still, as he pretended to be the doting, expectant father...all while he was drinking and sick and lying and screwed up his entire life. he fooled her and then threw her under the bus in a second when the news came out.

it's not about the child, i realize she is innocent and that's why i'm likely leaving my H, no matter how remorseful he is. i don't want to carry that resentment and inevitably have the child feel it. i'm not leaving the other child, i'm leaving the other woman and the heartache - i didn't marry her or their b------ child, nor all the drama she will create in his life, legally and emotionally. and theirs was not a "love child" - she was truly an accident, a "tragic fluke" as her father says now, not having met her yet. my H has to get to a point where HE doesn't resent the little girl after losing the family he always wanted because he knocked up a promiscous, no-condoms flyer. and in case you thought you were special - this is the THIRD accidental pregnancy he's caused (the other two before i knew him, just the first time someone has held him accountable). of course, other woman thinks she's special and my H just couldn't resist. she has no idea. get in line. when he needs an ego boost, there are plenty of takers, he's very charming.

i'm the one that keeps pointing out that she is his DAUGHTER, and no different in feeling or in her heart than our own littlebean....convincing him that he needs to face that and be accountable. she's a daughter, like me, like all women who will wonder about their father one day if he doesn't "show up" in her life. i feel so sorry for that OC with a disgusting, man-hopping, unstable mother and reforming alcholic, ADHD, Bipolar dad who can't support the child he has with me, though he does love her. the comments made here by Alice (if i was a good wife -- HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA! you have no idea) are the same made by the trashy other woman my H chose to impregnate.

i have so much softness and sympathy for the other child that i have to back off. i will end up caring so much that when other woman is on abusive husband number 7 and we've bonded with the little girl, i will be the one footing the legal bills funded with my own daughter's college fund to get the other child out of hell. i love children, deeply. i plan to suck up all my pain and allow my daughter to have a relationship with her half-sister (8 months apart) if appropriate. but as for the wife's feelings this is a pain you can't know if you haven't been there. keep your judgements of me and all betrayed spouses in your pants, and keep those pants on in the presence of other womens' husband, please. you've gotten one very selfish side of a story, most of which is "oh poor me" bs.

you have no idea what the wife goes through. it's finances, energy, strength, love, sadness, grief, all spent outside the marriage, all spent on a child other than the one we created in our marriage. i'm not asking anyone to hate themselves, we all need peace in our hearts with our actions. but if i were you, i would ask for forgiveness first and leave the blame and bitterness out of it. that's what i'm doing, i want to forgive everyone, including myself, before i die...sooner if possible. you and the cheating husband are responsible for the bitterness. YOU, not the wife. YOU. YOU. YOU. you both should have thought about the pain caused and the potential shame a child might feel when they realize later how they came to be...before you made one with another woman's husband.

i came out here looking for perspectives from the other child. i don't want to ruin a child's life, no matter how they came to be. i have so much love in my heart that i'm trying to push out any bitterness and leave only love and forgiveness. I'm the one who told my H he shouldn't go no contact, especially because of me, that i wouldn't be responsible for that girl not knowing her father. that he couldn't use me as an excuse to sweep her under his rug of mistakes.

so keep your wife comments to yourself alice. really. oooh i want to curse at you. but i won't. i have more class than that.

incidently, i just got back firm paternity results the day before yesterday. this is all very fresh to me.

matthewfaith - spoken from the mouth of a betrayer, obviously. you have NO IDEA what you are asking of your ex-wife. YOU are bitter? that's laughable. no, HYSTERICAL. you need some serious prayers if you think your wife is the one who is at fault for not finding it in her heart to want to love and nurture your b------ love child.

i have a totally remorseful spouse who would give ANYTHING to take back his selfish actions. i know it's not the child's fault, God bless her, but it is not MY responsibility to live with the pain of his betrayal everyday and sink my love and resources into the family he created when he stepped outside our vows.

we women who question our husbands' love have NO RESPONSIBILITY WHATSOVEVER to spend the rest of our lives trying integrate your colossal mistakes into our hearts and care for them as our own, trying never to show them our unending pain. you sir, are a very, very, very selfish man. i feel sorry for that child and whatever women he is a scourge upon when you are done corrupting him. there is NO HONOR in what you are asking of your exwife.

i'm so appalled. it makes me want to vomit.

Danine, I know this comment is VERY late to say the least. I googled this topic and came across your article. I have been on both ends of this subject. When I met my now husband, he was married with kids and hid it from me. We are best friends, soulmates... We instantly clicked, non-stop conversation, and a lot of things in common. It wasn't until we were out one day, and I saw some mail with the wife's name(who I thought was just the baby mama) and his last name on the envelope. At that time, I called down to the Vital records office and asked if they had a marriage certificate on file for them. I heard a ringing in my ears and froze when the woman came back to the line and confirmed the marriage. He tried to sugar coat the whole thing, and then finally told the truth. I had a decision to make. I had finally found the man of my dreams, and he is married. I made the decision to stick by him. I endured years of a back and forth relationship with him. His kids knew me and liked me, his wife knew me after a while. I got pregnant, and had his first son. Living with my Ma, and still intertwined in this whole web of stuff. It is so crazy, when I think about it now. His wife used to drop off the kids with me to babysit. They separated and we have been together ever since then. They divorced, and he got custody of his 2 daughters. I have raised them like my own and I taught them to be family.(his daughters & our sons). I never wanted them to feel like one child was better than the other or anything like that. We got married, and after all of the circus we had, things got normal. Then, I started feeling like he was acting one way at home, and another way while he was away from home. We lost a child, dealt with that pain. And we were blessed to have another a year later. But, I still had the feeling he was out there. So, in my mind, I'm like I deserve this crap! I'm with a cheater. This is who he is, I guess. A woman started calling a lot, he claimed she was just a friend. He told me, men can have women who are just friends. He's right. I started as just a friend. So, when she called, I answered, she asked to speak to him, I obliged. I even met this woman face to face. He bought a car from her. We met to pick it up and sign the bill of sale and all that. She was always in some kind of predicament, and she would call my husband for help. Then, she called one day and he didn't answer. She left a voicemail, so I called to get the messsage. I knew from what she said, and the way she said it that she was saying she was pregnant. And asking him, if he was going to leave them. She had a daughter already. I immediately confronted him and he denied it. I called her, and she said you need to talk to him. I never knew yea or nay. Time passed and nothing else happened. We went on like nothing. We moved to another state and it was like the start of a whole new life. His ex-wife didn't want to be bothered either. She paid her child support and that is it. One evening, I go to the child support website to check on the payment(regularly something I do) and I almost fainted! On the screen, I was looking at the woman's name and a child almost 1 that she had put in for child support for my husband. It was her. It was true. Why? I had done this to myself. You dummy, you should have known!! How could you be so stupid?!! I stuck by him through the whole deal. The paternity testing(there was another guy involved), the truth, and trying to find forgiveness in my heart. Is this what I had done to his ex-wife? their family? Secrets? lies? But, when I was in the hot seat, it seemed so different. I wasn't this evil woman out to tear up a family. Now, being on the other end, maybe this woman wasn't either. Bottom line, now he has a daughter with this woman. How would we tell our family? our kids? This is the true meaning of you reap what you sow... We are still together, but I think I really haven't dealt with my feelings. We still haven't met his daughter. She just turned 6. She is one year younger than our youngest son. We found out, the woman and her mother decided that they were struggling to take care of her, so they sent her to the Dominican Republic to stay with the mother's sister. She dropped the child support case, saying she just wanted to prove that my husband was the father. And that she didn't know how to contact him. We haven't told anyone, and it is like this BIG HUGE secret. I don't really know if she wants him to be a father to this child or not, or whether she just wants child support and that is it. He seems like he wants to act like it doesn't exist. Every time they have tried to coordinate a meet, she backs out. My husband is saying he doesn't want years later for this child to come and knock on his door and ask why weren't you a father to me? When he has never been given the opportunity to try. I don't know if this woman thinks I'm going to be mean to this child because I threatened her once in reference to my family. But, when I talked to her, she said we were like a blessing to her. I would never take anything out on a child, no matter the situation. Yes, I'm hurt. Lots of things hurt. But, I feel she is an innocent child, who didn't ask to be here in this situation. Maybe it is better for her to not have to deal with all of this. But, she is going to grow up living a lie. I know this is a long story, but I just wanted to share my extremities of both sides with you. I am trying to find peace within my heart, for myself, and all parties involved.

Wow, Alice. I wish I could know what happens to you down the road living with a known cheater. You participated in breaking up the home of two kids and yours will be broken, too.

I am sorry for you that you ended up with the cheater, but happy for his wife who now can rebuild her life. Her life will be rebuilt just about the time yours comes crashing down around you!

Karma....

theotherchild.com

theotherchild.yuku.com

I was "the other woman" who had a son to a married man. So yes, we have a love child. The wife was so ruthless about it and is so mean about him. She has two daughters (therefore he has two half sisters) who adore their younger brother. Yet still, she hates him but tells everyone she would never hold anything against a child yet she does. Thankfully my son is only a baby right now and doesn't understand.

Anyway, they divorced due to our affair and we are together raising what everyone would call our son "the love child". The ex wife moved on and found someone else yet still holds so much against us and our son. I can understand to an extent, but I don't treat her children like that or say mean things about them. In the future, my son could hear the things she says about him being an embarrassment. That would seriously hurt him and maybe even his sisters.

This is my opinion on the wives: clearly, no marriage can be truly saved after an affair. You will always wonder and always prod and be nosy. If your husband were truly happy with you and you were being a good wife, he wouldn't have strayed to look for love from someone else that made him feel better. Granted some men are sick and just do it because they're sick minded and like having more than one woman. I believe though, that after an affair, you can't really bounce back from that in most cases. But you still shouldn't take ANYTHING out on a child REGARDLESS of how the child came about.

Sure, it's hard, but you know what? IT'S A CHILD. They are truly as someone posted, an innocent bystander. If you hold a grudge against an innocent child then how do you think you will be able to save your marriage if you could never let that go or never be okay with him being a father?? If you can't accept a child due to the way they were created because you're too selfish and can only think of yourselves, then maybe look back into your marriage and question that maybe that's why your husband had an affair to begin with...maybe you were too controlling and closed minded and mean about a lot that wasn't right. Maybe you just didn't treat him well. And if he still told you he loved you and cared for you after the affair then it's probably either A: you have kids together and he's afraid you will be nasty about them or threaten him with the children or have already threatened him. B: you're that controlling and manipulative that he is too scared to tell you he doesn't love you and wants you out. Or C. both and/or maybe he's just intrigued by having more than one woman. But seriously consider that and if you can't accept the child due to an affair, then maybe you need to re-evaluate your priorities and quit thinking of yourself and how YOU feel. Think about the ultimately innocent child!

I rest my case.

I am also an affair child, like "lovnlife", and am trying to find something on the web about it. There is so much stuff for the spouses but never anything for the kids, on either side. I don't think people realize how abusive these situations are to kids. This is our foundation in life.

Alice,
In a perfect world, the betrayed wife would readily accept your child as a half brother to her children and treat him with the consideration an innocent child deserves. But infidelity causes wounds that run very deep and take many years to begin to heal.

Your post expressly scolds the betrayed wife and blames her for putting your son in the position of being called an "embarrassment." I can certainly understand that she would feel embarrassed by her husband's cheating. She had NO CHOICE in creating your out of wedlock son. That choice was made by YOU and your son's cheating father, yet you seem to bear no responsibility for creating the situation you're in.

How considerate of HER children were YOU when you decided to have sex with their father, knowing that it could destroy the young girls' family. You want the betrayed wife to stop thinking about herself and "think about the innocent child." Did you think what your affair would do to his daughters? Did you realize that they would be devastated to lose their daddy? Did you understand that they, too, would feel betrayed because their father lied and cheated on their mother?

Of course not. Your concern is yourself and your son. Before you call the betrayed wife "selfish," take a look at your own actions.

What kind of mother brings a child into the world without the benefit of a solid, committed, two parent family who value traditional morals like marriage? Years from now, your son may blame YOU for having him with a married man who has not committed himself legally (as in marriage) to you. Instead of choosing a good strong man with character, integrity, loyalty and honor, you chose a cheater as a father for your son. You chose a man who lied and sneaked around. How proud of you will your son be when he learns that he was conceived while daddy was married to another woman?

When a parent cheats, ALL the children are innocent victims. ALL of them suffer the pain and humiliation of being the offspring of a parent who has no integrity, no honesty, no loyalty. THAT is the kind of parent YOU'VE chosen for your child.

So before you continue to blame the exwife for not embracing your son, look at who is responsible for causing pain to two young girls by having an affair with their father and who is responsible for producing a son with a man who already had a family.

My heart breaks for your son. He has a mother who doesn't think sleeping with a married man is wrong. He has a mother who blames others instead of taking responsibility for her own situation.

I wish you luck in keeping your man. Your little A.,B.,C., explanation of why he was telling his wife he still loved her after your affair began sounds like he was lying not only to his wife, but to you also. You may think because he's with you, that you've won. Frankly, I think the exwife came out ahead. She's moved on and left a cheating man behind. YOU are left living with a cheater.

I've never dealt with this personally, though I will say this:

The child is a innocent bystander.

Be angry at your spouse, and understandably so, however, if you stay married, be "at peace" with the situation. Meaning, when you get angry about again , ( cause you probably will) be dissapointed with him and not the child.
Always put the love and understanding first, towards yourself, the child, and yes, even the transgressor.

AFTER READING SOME OF THE COMMENTS I AM FEELING GUILTY AND WISH I COULD GET PAST THIS. I KNOW THE CHILD IS TOTALLY INNOCENT. BUT HOW DO I GET TO THE POINT OF ACCEPTANCE , HOW DO I GET PAST THE HURT? FORGOT TO MENTION THE MISTRESS WAS SOMEONE WHO WORKED WITH MY X AND WAS A FRIEND TO ME AND MY KIDS!!

I've never dealt with this either and while I agree with MochaMama that the child is innocent, I don't think it will be easy for me to accept him/her. Personally, my husband and I have been trying to have a child for a while now and after a miscarriage and more than a year with no success, if I were to hear he had an outside child, I don't think I would be very receptive to the thought. Every woman is different, every circumstance is different and with time, I might be accepting, but if I'm not then I seriously don't think I can be blamed for it.

Not only would I be completely UNABLE to deal with my H's "love child", but I also could not fathom how his mistress would trust the child being around me, the woman whose husband she screwed. Not saying that I would or could ever do such a thing, but if I was the mistress, I would be afraid the wife would mistreat my child. In any event, it is a very sad situation and one that is not discussed very much.

i am in a similar situation. 1 month after we seperated my x got someone pregnant and to top it off i didnt find out till two and a half years later. we have an adopted 9 and 11 year old . so him having a biological child now just devastates me. it may sound selfish but i want all the attention on my kids from there father. they see him every weekend and also during the week. i am not dealing well with this at all!! and now he and this woman are getting married and my kids are in the wedding!! i am very depressed as i know life is going to change....and i want no part of this kid as mean as that sounds...

Hi. I'm the child of an affair. My dad was married at the time and my mom was in a committed (although abusive) relationship with the father of my older brother (they eventually had 2 other children after I was born). I did not know that I had a different dad from my siblings until I was 13 yrs old, when my mom checked me out of school to meet him. The way she did it was unforgivable to say the less...no apology, nothing, just "oh, that's your dad". I'm 25 now and still haven't gotten over it. Not only that but I was always treated differently by my "dad" (my siblings' dad) and could never understand why (he has a tattoo of my sister's name above his heart and I could never understand why it wasn't me since I was the 1st born girl, for example).

Anyway, a month or so after meeting my real dad for the first time he came back down to visit me, this time with his wife. Everything seemed to be going fine although you can tell that she was uncomfortable, so was I!!! My whole world had been turned upside down! I remember we went out for dinner and I left the table, when I got back they were arguing over when he first found out about me. He told her that he had just found out but when I met him a couple months earlier he had told me he used to come see me when I was younger (even described how my mom used to braid my hair). I was so embarassed! Being denied to my face like that. Later that day I found out I had other siblings (3 brother, 1 had recently died in a car accident, and a sister). I heard from my dad once more a few months later and then didn't hear from him again until I moved away to college and found his number online (I was living 30 minutes away from him now).

A few months later he came and got me to spend the weekend at their house. One afternoon my step-mom's niece came over, saw me, and asked who I was. My step-mom told her who I was and then said she had just found out about me. I wanted to cry. I walked out the house and called my boyfriend who wanted to come and get me he was so upset. I never went over there again. I only called my dad a couple more times when I needed help with rent (he has never paid child support). His wife works at the mall around the corner from my house and I run into her sometimes. Half of the times she says "Oh, your dad and I were just talking about you"...you know, all fake and stuff, and the other times she just walks past me like she doesn't know me from Adam.

It's heartbreaking. Never having a real father. Being disowned over and over again...and for what, because YOU'RE embarassed...what about me? It's definitely a blow to a person's self-image/perception of self-worth but I'm dealing as best I can. I also think that it's ironic that I'm the most successful of all my siblings...I guess I'm driven, life has made me that way. I just wanted to give you the perspective of the child produced from the affair.

Oh, and I found THIS post while searching the web for a support group/forum for children of affairs. So far I haven't found anything.

I don't think that my marriage would have a chance, although when I took my vows I did agree to better or worse. I wouldn't blame the child, however, I would have trouble with the mother and my husband. All trust would be gone and it would be really hard for me to accept that situation like it never happened. I dont't think I would stop my husband from taking care of his responsibilities, but I think the strain would cause us to separate eventually.

My husband had an affair that resulted in a child. She is now 7 years old. We were separated for 5 years, and he had the child during that time. (We separated because of the affair.) We reconciled when she was about 1 year old, but I have known her since she was a baby. He would bring her to my house to visit with our children. I love her as my own daughter, and it doesn't bother me that he still has to see her mother. She is at the age where she is questioning the relationships in her life. Her mother has two other children that live with their dad, but she knows that my husband lived with her mother and siblings at one time. I think her mother may have told her that I am the reason that her dad doesn't live with them. She has a lot of questions, and I don't know how to answer them. Any advice?

I feel guilty as well because the child is innocent, but i just can't get past the betrayal, after many lies and some cheating, my then boyfriend who is 7 years my junior married me. At the time, i had our son, he has one 10 months older than ours. 2 weeks before we married, he told me his other sons mother was pregnant by him. I decided to stay with him because i could see that he really wanted to try and make it work. A few months later we found out i was pregnant also, i was ecstatic because i really wanted to give him a daughter, i love seeing him with our son who is his twin. Then we find out she's having a girl, which upsets me since it will be his first and his family already favors the other son in my eyes. a month later i had to have surgery because the pregnancy was ectopic and in my cervix. I don't know how to deal with losing my baby, while she's having hers in 12 days, i feel like we're growing apart, and i know its because of me. But i refuse to acknowledge that child in any way. i told him that from the start and hes like ok, i know he thinks i'll change my mind down the road, but i just can't do it.. i'm so mad, i really just feel like walking away from it all... ugh