Top 10 Vintage Games that Hollywood Films Will Ruin

Photo by: Broadway Antique Market
Old Maids Gone Wild
Can "Old Maid: The Movie" be far behind? It could certainly be the final sequel to "Sex & The City.:

By Danny Alias

As Tim Burton gradually works his way through the obliteration of our collective childhoods, perhaps its best to stop and ponder what's left (if anything) to cherish. Vintage Games-- Board, Playing Card or otherwise filled our innocent yesterdays with hours of silly, mindless fun.

Who amongst us didn't shout out the words "You sunk my BATTLESHIP?" $209 million has been sunk into a Summer movie of same name that is more blockhead than blockbuster. The question echoes: "Who sunk $209 million into this probing alien extravaganza... and are they still taking phone calls from Hasbro?"

In this dicey game of reinventing memory, nothing is sacred. Classics such as MONOPOLY and CANDYLAND have already been optioned, as if WALL STREET (#1 & #2) or SEX IN THE CITY (#1 & #2) didn't already fulfill are need to be greedy and/or diabetically shocked.

So the question remains: Can Hollywood ruin much more from your chaste childhood? You bet your sweet tooth decay they can. And the Top 10 Nominees for the Summer of 2012 are:

1. OLD MAIDS GONE WILD. Originally a hit in Victorian America, Kathy Bates turns up notch in this re-imagination of a card game classic. The decks are stacked against her from the start, but Oscar winner Bates has a trick or two up her gruffy, puffy sleeves. Premise: Inheriting the family's condom business late in life turns out to be a second coming for a woman who rarely came in first, if at all. Also starring Jack Black has her nefarious brother and all of the Baldwin Brothers, except the far-right religious one. Foreign Release Title: "OLD, BUT MADE."

2. CLUE TOO. Though initially a badly steered Tim Curry vehicle in 1985, this prequel flashes forward 30 years where all the reality stars from LOGO are reunited in a giant mashup of egoes. Premise: Though none of them have a CLUE where their careers went since 2006, each must achieve a personal breakthrough that is simultaneously fashionable, yet disgusting. Dr. Phil ("How's that workin' for ya?") McGraw unconvincingly plays himself as a most irritating life coach for those that don't have a life... which includes the entire zero star studded castoffs.

3. MYSTERY DATE. Optioned as a Drew Peterson slasher pic might he be acquitted of killing all of his wives AND the jury that released him... this project remains in limbo-- mostly because the police are still looking for limbs. Premise: Snooki and Kim Kardashian make their Broadway debuts, except its on film which makes their hair hurt just thinking about it. Speaking of hair: Donald Trumps does a walk-on all by itself-- Perhaps the greatest appearance by a non-hairpiece ever to be combed-over! It single-folically wins a Life Time Achievement Award by AquaNet and Drag Queens Everywhere (DQE).

4. UNCLE WIGGILY. Pitched as a cross between "Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory" and "Boogie Nights," Johnny Depp cashes yet another $25 million paycheck and laughs all the way to the swank. Premise: Following the naughty adventures of Depp, now a highly sexed rabbit... he breeds indiscriminately with other players traveling between Uncle Wiggily's house of ill-repute and John Waters' Baltimore abode. Says Women's Wear Daily: "Playing Dr. Possum has never before been defined in such explicit terms in this lubricant-supplied 3-D opus to barnyard hijinks."

5. CHUTES & LADDERS. Nicholas Cage continues his downward spiral like a corkscrew noodle in this soon-to-be-career-ending cinematic orgy. Retitled "Shoots, Then Laughs About It" this groiner is an all manly man action parody that is more homoerotic than an open casting call at John Travolta's hotel room. Quite bluntly, it puts the massage back into misogyny. "Shoots" is purportedly as confusing, convoluted, self-indulgent and embarrassing as every Cage film since "Leaving Las Vegas"... which is probably the best review this dick flick will receive. Pauly Shore plays himself in a small cameo, pinned strategically to the cleavage of Sharon Stone. Former President George W. Bush is brilliant as Stone's failing pilates instructor, Mister Accomplished.

6. OPERATION. Chasity, Chaz, Charles, Chuck ("Ray Jay") Bono portrays a man so confident in his own skin that he fabricates that of another to create a really life-like penis. Really! Rounding out the cast is every actress who ever did a reading of "The Vagina Monologues" except Whoopi Goldberg because of her inability to keep a straight face while repeating the word "Kegel." The good news? The patient lives! The bad? Men are officially obsolete.

7. TWISTER. Not to be confused with any other weather related disaster film, this long overdue tribute to the late Chubby Checkers relaunches the career of Arsenio Hall in a fat suit. Clay Aikens co-stars as Chubby's brother (just go with it) and does all the voice-over work. Mr. Hall will win the Oscar for his heartbreaking performance and Clay will get a high heeled boot for the third time... which, of course, is the charm.

8. THE GAME OF LIFE. Disappointments abound in this Albert Brooks bio-pic of himself. Depression, addiction, guilt, insomnia, gingivitis and bad lighting will hamper production. Woody Allen will be called in to rework the script, fire Mr. Brooks, marry his wife and re-title the film "New Jersey Redoubt." Mia Farrow co-stars as a knife wielding ex-wife, but only for the money.

9. RISK (and/or) SORRY. Director Michael Moore turns away from the buffet and points his lens toward Wall Street once again in this riveting faux-documentary of the mortgage crisis. Jamie Dimond of JP Morgan/Chase plays himself almost as convincingly as he's played everyone else. Moore expounds for 90 minutes on what $3 billion dollars can buy, which is surprisingly little if you have a revolving account at Tiffany's, a fairly serious drug habit... or both. Morgan Spurlock borrows the fat suit from Arsenio's "TWISTER" and stands-in for Michael Moore, saving him considerable time at Sundance's multiple concession stands.

10. SCRABBLE. Believe it or not this flick was once pitched as "Words With Friends"-- as if anyone would play a game or see a movie with that title! The original cast of the popular TV show "Friends" were assembled to play various characters, but conflict quickly ensued when all of the "A" list actors demanded to play vowels... and the "B" listers were relegated to playing consonants. In the end only an "F" and a "U" were left to be played by David Schwimmer, strangely misspelling the word "catastrophe" in the snow with the help of co-star Mr. Bono. Matt LeBlanc was aptly without comment.

Enjoy your Summer!

Copyright Danny Alias, 2012