1. Dating don'ts: Showing up shirtless. Showing up in an animal mascot suit. Showing up in earnest.
2. Don't ever, EVER, let your Dad touch your date more than you've touched your date.
3. Similarly: If you ever want to have sex again, do NOT, under any circumstances, get a nasal adjustment on national television.
4. No need to throw away a perfectly good ring for sentimental reasons: eBay exists for a reason.
5. It's officially inevitable: women always fall for the wrong men and let the right ones go.