Recently there have been loads of articles, which would lead one to believe that marriage and a quality/quantity sex life do not go hand in hand.Most recently there was an article from Associated Press listed on Yahoo titled:
Survey: Sexual satisfaction ebbs for 45-plus set http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20100507/ap_on_re_us/us_sex_over45
The following are just a couple of quotes from the article.
"One intriguing finding: Respondents who had a partner but weren't married had sex more frequently and with more satisfaction than respondents who were married."
"These long-term married couples may get a little less interested," Schwartz said. "Older people in non-married relations work harder at it and enjoy it more."
Naturally it goes without saying there is far more to marriage than sex.
However what articles like this one are beginning to suggest is the decline of sexual activity of people over 45 has more to do with their marital status than with their age.
In the past it was always stated the longer you are together the less sex you have.
The implication was this was somehow "mutual", a "natural tendency", or fact of life.
Recent studies now suggest one-partner rejects the other enough times that their mate eventually gives up making advances. The following quote also comes from the aformentioned article.
"The big difference as people age is not that sex becomes less important but that a partner becomes less accessible,"
Even couples that decide to live together report having less sex than they did when they were living apart regardless of age. One reason for this is the loss of the "vacation sex" aspect in their relationships.
When they lived apart one person was packing a bag and the other was hosting a visitor.
Both people are looking forward to spending time together after not seeing each other for a few days or longer. Their time together is more focused on romance and passion.
It's an "escape" from their daily routine.
The person hosting plans dinner and other activities.
The person visiting is treated like a VIP guest.
After a while of experiencing those sad Sunday good-byes you start thinking it would be great to live together.Men are especially guilty of believing once they are living with their mate the headboard will play music against the bedroom wall every night.
"Everyday is Christmas, Every night is New Year's Eve! (WRONG)!
A couple living together or one that's married has to deal with the day to day issues of cleaning the house, paying bills, end of work day moods, and if there are kids involved a whole other set of responsibilities and issues are thrown into the mix.
Rocking each other's world quickly slides down the priority list when kids come along.
I once heard someone say:
"Single couples go to Las Vegas for the weekend, Married couples go to Home Depot."
Nurturing or Neglecting
In a long-term relationship you're either (growing together or growing apart).
A major decline in physical intimacy can be a barometer there are underlying issues in a relationship.
When the hugs stop and kisses run dry, it's not too long before love waves good-bye.
A marriage without sex is pretty much being roommates with the same last name.
Too many people approach marriage as if they have acquired a painting.
After making their selection they put a nail in the wall, hang it up, and move on to the next item on their list. Once the painting is secured there is nothing else to do.
I've heard many people say, "I'm so glad to be out of that dating scene. I can relax…etc"
Judging from what I see "relax" seems to mean stop going to the gym, pack on pounds, and stop caring so much about the needs, wants, and desires of their mate.
It's as though they weren't being their "true self" during the courtship!
How many times have you heard someone say, "He/She is not the person I fell in love with."?
Earlier this year I wrote a post regarding relationship beginnings.
A relationship is a living thing much like a garden, which means it, has to be nurtured in order to continue to grow. There is no such thing as "relaxing".
Just because you got the job does not mean your company has stopped receiving resumes!
Like it or not competition is here to stay!
If you don't want to make love to your spouse she/he will find someone who does.
If you no longer feel the need to communicate, be kind, understanding, loving, intimate, or romantic then you're creating problems.
When you neglect a garden it dies.
It's important to honor your needs and feelings.
There are loads of people with low sex drives that will berate you for wanting a more fulfilling sex life. They will down play the significance of physical intimacy in a relationship so much so that you'll begin to wonder if there is something wrong with you for wanting more.
Ironically these will be the same people buying books and signing up for workshops on how to put "the spark" back into their marriage, how to rekindle romance & passion…etc
The best way to avoid a passionless/sexless marriage is "work" at never losing it.
If necessary create a "lover's calendar" to keep you on track!
If you are unhappy with your sex life whether you want more or less, odds are you have selected a partner who does not want what you want.
This does not mean you're right and they're wrong.
It just means you may be wrong for each other.
If this is a "deal breaker" then get the hell out.
If it's not a "deal breaker" then learn to live without.
Life is too short to spend your time trying to change water into wine.
The only person you have control of is yourself.
People change if and when they want to change.
After communicating you'll have an idea if your mate wants to keep things as they are.
The choice is yours to accept them as they are or venture out to find someone else.
Just as you chose your mate you can choose another one that is more compatible.
Cheating is a selfish cowardly act.
It takes more courage to end an incompatible relationship.
Ultimately you are responsible for your own happiness in life!