"Why am I still single?"
This question plagues just about every woman who comes to Dating With Dignity for coaching. Invariably, before coming to me for help, she has asked this same question of her girlfriends, her mother, her best male friend, and even her therapist. More often than not, when a woman comes to me for coaching, she has enjoyed success in so many other areas of her life, but has been unsuccessful at ﬁnding and/or keeping a loving relationship; and she is, to put it simply, mystiﬁed.
"It doesn't make sense," she declares. "Why?" she asks again. "Why am I STILL single?"
If you are asking yourself-and your friends, family, and mental health professionals-this question, I can help. The ﬁrst step is examining the often contradictory and self-defeating beliefs that lie deep in your heart-beliefs you may not have admitted to yourself, let alone anyone else. These beliefs are likely the biggest obstacles standing between you and the relationship you desire. Once you've uncovered these beliefs, you'll be ready to shed the "It doesn't make sense" mantra and get on with making the changes necessary to ﬁnd the relationship of your dreams.
So, Why Are You Still Single?
For starters, it is likely that you have carried the lessons you learned from past relationships and childhood right into today, and this unconscious junk is now hindering your ability to attract the right kind of man-a man who is capable of engaging in a healthy dating process and, ultimately, committing to a relationship. Here are a few of the reasons a typical female client of mine might uncover:
- Her "limiting beliefs" are so unconscious that she believes they are the truth.
- She believes she has to protect herself.
- She doesn't trust men, and she feels that she has to ﬁght to get what she wants.
- She needs to be right, and most often she doesn't even realize that this is affecting nearly all of her conversations and relationships.
- She carries the weight of the world on her shoulders and is in a constant state of worry.
- She doesn't respond. She reacts.
The good news is that, once you've uncovered your own truths, real and lasting change is possible. With a little work, you can adopt an entirely new set of beliefs and attitudes that can help you get the relationship you want and deserve.
Meet Linda. Linda was in her mid-thirties when she came to me. She felt worthless, hopeless, and tired of meaningless hookups. She didn't love herself, or even see herself as worthy of dating a man who would treat her like a queen. After working with me in group coaching and doing other relationship-readiness work, Linda is now dating amazing men-the kind of men she used to be afraid to even talk to. She is so conﬁdent in her new life that she chose to leave one special man behind in her hometown (something she would never have done in the past) to pursue a dream job opportunity abroad, knowing that it is important for her to create the life she loves now, and conﬁdent in her belief that if he is "The One," he will be there when she returns. Linda is happy, relaxed, extremely satisﬁed with her life, and looking forward to discovering what the future holds.
Meet Sheryl. Sheryl is in her mid-ﬁfties and is soon to be an empty-nester. Sheryl is successful at work and has been divorced for six years. She has never dated much, instead focusing most of her attention on her children and creating an independent life-something she didn't have when she was in her unhealthy marriage. Sheryl came to me because she knew that it was ﬁnally HER time, but she was terriﬁed that if she entered into a relationship she would lose everything she had worked so hard to create. Through both group coaching classes and private coaching sessions, Sheryl realized that she had been so busy trying to control, create, and manage her life as a single mom that she didn't even realize that she was unable to accept love, help, or generosity. She had a heavy heart and was terriﬁed of dating. Through our work together, Sheryl learned to relax, enjoy her life, and receive all sorts of love and attention. She learned to stop working so hard and to instead allow things to unfold. In just a few months, Sheryl was able to accomplish more of the things on her to-do list than she ever had before-and all without stress. She dramatically improved her relationships with her children and embarked on a trip she had long dreamed of taking. She began to know herself, trust her own judgment, and feel deeply. Sheryl now feels that she is truly ready to embark on a new era of her journey that includes dating.
The common lesson in these two stories is this: We are not broken. We do not need to be ﬁxed. The truth is, however, that many of us wear masks-learned default patterns or habits-that help us to feel safe and get by, but also keep us stuck. But we are much more than our bad habits or default tendencies. If you choose to remove the mask, anything is possible. By committing to developing a perfect blend of skills, intention, and action, you can have the life you've dreamed of. What actions will you take today to begin living an authentic life? How will you choose to live a life free from the trap of self-protection? What will you do to ensure that your future is more than just a repeat of your past?
Take time today to choose to live life as the blank canvas it is. You are the artist and director. Be bold, take a risk, and let go. The results will be nothing short of miraculous.