Revenge, should you or shouldn't you? This question has been asked and debated time and time again by infidelity victims. For some reason, victims feel as though they need to cause just as much pain to their husband, and especially to the other woman, as was caused them. Victims spend in inordinate amount of time fantasizing about how and when to exact the perfect revenge. Some methods of revenge merely cause interruption to the cheater and his lovers lives while other methods are much more destructive. Often times, the thought of revenge and the fantasizing which follows are far more satisfying than the act itself. The mere image of the other woman being mowed down by a locomotive or of the husband being publically tarred and feathered is usually enough to satisfy most women's need for revenge. But what about the ones who do follow through with it? Wouldn't you suspect they'd feel better having the opportunity to witness the pain and suffering of the ones who caused them such agony? Well, you might be surprised to learn that those who seek revenge usually don't feel any better and actually feel worse.
Let's look at this logically. Since it's easier to envision the other woman as the target of torture, we will begin with her. As for the other woman, she is going to experience an unimaginable amount of anger and pain if you and your husband reconcile. Remember, in most cases she wanted your man, wanted to be you, and wanted to have everything that you have. Most other women aren't happy in the position of "secret call girl", regardless of the image they portray. No woman in her right mind wants to be hidden in the closet while the wife enjoys the luxury of being in the spotlight. Therefore, if you and your husband reconcile, she is either sent packing or submerged farther down into the pit of the unclaimed. Now, you might be thinking, "Who cares about her or how she feels? She knew the job was dangerous when she took it!" Assuming she was aware she was involved with a married man, it is not unreasonable for the victim wife to be unsympathetic as to the other woman's pain. However, it must be noted that the other woman is indeed in pain, often abandoned, and left feeling used and unwanted. Isn't that enough satisfaction for the victim wife? The other woman especially looks like a fool if she introduced your husband to her family and friends, and now is left all alone and lonely. The fact of the matter is, if you and your husband reconcile and go on to have a happy, healthy relationship then she will always be denied what she worked so hard to get, your husband and your life. She will realize that she was lied to, deceived, used, abused and mis-led, all because he needed someone to pick up the slack and fill the gaps in his world. Sure, it's easy to concentrate on all of the pain and disruption she brought in to your home, but remember, she is not the one who did that...HE is. Therefore, it serves no purpose to continue to wish her a cold, lonely, tortuous life because each time she looks at the empty place next to her in bed, she realizes "her man" has returned to his rightful place, with you.
So what about when the affair ends your marriage, and how does one reconcile the feelings of needing revenge in those situations? First of all, know that any woman who becomes involved with a man who is cheating on his wife or girlfriend, lives with the knowledge that this man is predisposed to, and capable of, cheating again. She is fully aware that the same way he lied to and deceived you, he can and likely will do the same to her. The majority of these relationships don't last because they are based on a foundation racked with deception, fraud and betrayal. Although the other woman might convince herself that he cheated on you because you weren't satisfying him, because he didn't love you like he loves her, or because she and him are soul mates, the truth of the matter is that the other woman always retains a degree of insecurity...especially when it comes to you. The same uneasy feeling you had when you two were together and you knew he was going someplace where he'd run into her, that is how she feels now when he is bound to see you. Especially if you and your husband have children together. Believe me, she will never have a moments peace. So just remember, just like your heart skipped a beat whenever his cellular phone rang, and the way you'd become nervous when his trip to the store took too long, those same shoes now fit her feet far too well. The best thing you can do at this point is to carry yourself in such a manner that suggests you are on top of the world. Yes, you may be dying inside, but when you see him, or especially the two of them together, try your hardest to be pleasant, cordial, and upbeat. This will make them both wonder what you are up to when truthfully all you are doing is living your life and being at peace. Remember, the best revenge is living well.
In terms of exacting revenge on your husband, you first must determine whether or not you are going to try to reconcile the relationship. If so, then it will be a long, painful process in which revenge has no place and no value. Once you decide to work toward keeping your marriage or family together, you should not entertain the idea of doing anything which will undermine that. It is of no value for you to plot and scheme about ways to get revenge on your husband if you intend to remain with him and make the marriage work. Therefore, although it is pretty safe to visualize a firing squad, it is counter-productive to hire one. If, as previously stated, this affair is one which ends your marriage, then once again, you have to begin portraying the image of the best you that you can possibly be. Even though you may feel broken, torn, ashamed, and empty, you must always put your healthiest looking self forward. You must not allow him to see you walking around angry, depressed, homicidal, suicidal or pitiful. Your goal should not be to make him feel sorry for you so he will want you back, your goal should be to present yourself as the one who got away, or as if to say, "See what you're missing you fool". Therefore, try to always look your best, eat healthier, exercise, meditate, seek counseling, or whatever it takes to make you present yourself in a healthy, desirable and stable manner. Sure, when you get home and close the door you can let it all out, scream, yell, cry, do whatever. However, once you open that front door again, you have got to pull it together. This approach serves two purposes. First, it will give him the impression that you are doing just fine, or perhaps better, without him and the stress he brought to your life. Secondly, you will get into a routine of being healthy and feeling good. Consequently, at some point you will gradually transition into a place where you won't give a damn about what he thinks of you, because you will feel good about yourself...and isn't that what it's all about?
Now, please know that I am not dismissing the concept of wanting revenge as being foreign or unreasonable, it is simply counter productive to our mission here. Our goal is to get you on the positive, upside of this affair thing. This experience needs to be used as an opportunity to take a good long look at yourself and figure out what you can change and what you can control. You can never change or control another person, not your husband, the other woman, or whomever, but you can take this opportunity to focus more on yourself. Perhaps you never bothered to develop hobbies or interests of your own, or became so consumed with your husband, marriage, kids, or job that you lost the essence of who you were. My point is that even though discovering infidelity is typically not considered to be a good thing, it can, however, sometimes be a positive turning point in your life. There are lessons to be learned and knowledge to be gained. So let's embrace the positive, try to move past the anger, and focus on making YOU a better, healthier YOU.
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