Forget "50 Shades of Grey," Nicole Polozzi has been captivating the country with the humiliating side of sex for a few years now. Only instead of spanking, it's vomit, and instead of handcuffs it's flatulence.
At heart, Snooki is a fetishist. A real-down-and-dirty-advanced-placement-hardcore fetishist. When she first vomited during a hot tub make-out session in the early days of "Jersey Shore" we assumed it was something she regretted, until we got to know her. Now we know she's titillated by the sloppier moments of intimacy largely blotted out of romantic films, literature, and our personal memories. She loves a puke-infused smush, she relishes in a drunken fall that leaves her magpie exposed to strangers, and she gets off on sharing all the gag-worthy exploits with the public at large.
It's a give and take. We obviously like hearing about it. Her second novel, seriously called "Gorilla Beach," out May 15, is stamped with all the gross-out sex nuggets we've come to expect from our Snooki brand. (We've also come to expect she has ghostwriter.)
"Gorilla Beach" is about two hot meatballs, Gia and Bella, and their summer misadventures in southern Jersey. There's an Atlantic City poker heist, a tarot reader and some ESP thrown in the mix. But really, the best parts of the book are the counter-intuitive turn-ons, or Snooki fetishes. Here are some of them:
Turn-on 1: Wedgies. If you read this book you will learn that having your swimsuit stuck in your crack makes men dizzy with excitement. See Ponzi, a no good schemer with a thing for Gia and her ill-fitting swimwear.
"Many of the booties he'd beheld were bolder than this girl's. So why in the hell had he reacted so strongly? She seemed clueless of her wedgie. The black suit, the tanned sweetly rounded butt, and her adorable artlessness stuck him in a tender spot..."
Turn-on 2: Burps. It is totally possible to produce a sexually-charged burp. This happens during a dinner date between Gia and Ponzi.
"'You like your meat?' said Ponzi licking the corner of Gia's mouth. She burped lustily in agreement."
Turn-on 3: Food in your teeth. Men like Ponzi want to suck your leftovers from your gums.
"He pulled her in for a pouf-quaking kiss. Then he smacked his lips. 'I think I just sucked the last bite of lobster out of your teeth...maybe there's some steak in their too," he said coming in for another mackwich."
Turn-on 4: Zero foreplay. Contrary to popular belief, some women find it disrespectful for a man not to grind them immediately. After a night of courtship, our heroine Gia put it too Ponzi straight.
"I appreciate your being romantical and how much you love to make out. But if you really loved and respected me, you'd smush me raw tonight."
Turn-on 5: Weird Stalker Art. Will, an artist with an obsessive crush on Bella, reveals a series of paintings he's been working on in homage to his crush.
"He put her head on the body of a panther, an eagle, an exotic dancer with six gigantic boobs and in a crest of seafoam. Since she was thirteen, boys had been telling her she was beautiful but Will made her believe it...A little later Bella explains her affinity for Will this way: 'Your orgy scene scene really turned me on. That chick with six boobs...mad sexy.'
After reading "Gorilla Beach," I found something liberating in the whole Snooki persona, approximated for posterity as the book's protagonist, Gia. Yes Snooki drinks to much, and she pretends to be stupid because people find that endearing, and from what I've seen, she wouldn't be my first choice for a mom if I was currently implanted in her belly. But she's a realist who finds pleasure in the things that disgust the rest of us. So in a way, she's a radical free-thinker. If you've ever wondered what you can learn from Snooki, and you probably haven't, hear this now. Gross sex is good sex. Never be embarrassed. And it's okay if you need to vomit.
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