Real Guys talk about what they want and what they don't want to hear when it comes to sexy time.
- Justin DeMarco, BettyConfidential.com
My friend, Andrew, started making out with a girl right before the Times Square ball dropped on New Year's Eve in New York. Not even one minute into 2011, he stopped kissing her, laughed in her face, and walked away.
What prompted that reaction?
"She told me our kisses created fireworks," the 26-year-old New York lab technician said. "I thought it was a hilarious thing for her to say and couldn't make out with her anymore after that."
I'm assuming a few too many drinks probably played a factor in Andrew's decision making process, but he's right with one thing - that was a really funny comment. In this girl's defense, that cheesy line could have made complete sense when they were making out though. Maybe Katy Perry's song, "Firework," was playing at the bar and she became inspired and decided to use the word - "firework" to express her emotions? I don't know.
What I do know is to be careful what you say at all times, especially when you're in the middle of making out with someone or are in bed together. This is coming from a guy who's said a lot of dumb things in his day.
One of my buddies, Jeff, who has said even more dumb things in his day than I have, created an easy-to-remember guideline for things women should never say to a guy in bed.
"Girls should never say, 'I'm bored,' 'You're not good,' some other guy's name, or anything to distract me or make me think of some other dude," the 24-year-old New York accountant said. "That's just unacceptable."
Then again, Jeff pretty much doesn't want the girl's he's hooking up with to talk while they're doing the deed. Period.
"I don't like when girls talk during sex," he said. "Moaning is the only thing that's okay. There's usually something in her mouth to prevent her from talking anyway."
Like I said earlier, Jeff has said (and continues to say) a lot of dumb things. I can guarantee you that not all guys want to have sex at the same noise level you'll hear in a Charlie Chaplin silent-era film.
"I'm all for women letting me know how I'm doing in bed," Ian, a 22-year-old Boston radio producer, said. "If she's quiet, I can't enjoy the moment with her. It would be like hitting a home run in Pirates stadium. If no one is cheering, who the f*** cares."
So, what exactly do guys want to hear in bed?
"Truth is, nothing specific comes to mind," Marc, a 29-year-old writer living in Massachusetts, said. "But I like when a woman tells me how she feels and I can tell she isn't lying. I don't want a woman to say something just because she thinks it's what I want to hear. I just like to know that they are into the moment and are not giving me some canned response."
Okay, so now we know guys don't want to hear, "Oh, baby-baby. That feels so good. So good," in a monotone voice, unless of course, it's "so good, so good!" and screamed at the top of a woman's lungs. Saying the guy's name and personalizing the experience for the both of you is usually a nice touch, as well.
Matt, a 27-year-old media-buyer in New York, added: "I like to hear anything that's affirming what I'm doing in bed is good. "
One of the simplest ways for a woman to turn a guy on is to say exactly what she's doing to him at that precise moment. I'll never forget the time my first girlfriend whispered in my ear, "I'm f****** you in your childhood bed." I was so turned on that I had to instantly pick her up off of me and then change my sheets from all of my excitement. (See, I still say dumb things too.)
Women be warned: once sexy time is over a guy's mood may change. While Jeff went from no talking in the bedroom during sex, he enjoys pillow talk afterwards.
"I will talk to girls after sex so it's not awkward," Jeff said. "If it's really good I'll compliment them on their efforts. If it sucked, I'll change the topic."
Meanwhile, talkative Ian during intercourse turns into mute Ian once he's reached his climax.
"Girls just start talking and all I'm thinking about is going to sleep," Ian said. "When you leave it all out on the field like I do, the last thing you want is a long post-game press conference. I just want to hit the showers and call it a night."
Maybe we'd all be better off if we just stopped talking…
Tell us: What's your favorite thing to tell your man in bed?
Justin DeMarco is a New York City-based writer. He co-wrote Hockey: The Musical with Rick Wilson, which premiered at the Toronto Fringe Festival in 2008.To read more from BettyConfidential: