When the Spark Is Gone, Move On: Divorce Part 2

I threw in the towel and filed for divorce after 6 years of marriage and it was the worst mistake of my life. We hit a pretty rough patch, he started drinking ALOT and his job kept him from home a great deal. I spent holidays alone, weekends alone, alot of time alone, but it was because of his job (he is a cop, now promoted to homicide detective). It was very stressful as he had kids from a previous marriage and I took care of them when we was away. We tried to have children of our own and that didn't work out. I got so angry with life in general that I thought the best thing was to leave and start over on my own. He begged, we tried councling, we tried everything but I gave up on our marriage. If I could go back and change things I would. He was my best friend, my football buddy, my old 80s music lover, he was everything to me and I crushed him. I wanted it to be his fault and time has proven me so wrong. If I had any advice at all to anyone it would simply be, life is not better on the other side and don't fool yourself. The love of my life is gone because I was stubborn and foolhardy, I will forever reget that decision. BTW, we are in our 30s, so not young and silly, I unfortunately made this decision as a "grown women". I would give anything to have him back

For those that never accept divorce, how long do you have to keep trying? 10 years? Until you die? At some point, simply being along becomes preferable than living with someone who enjoys making you miserable.

I think a marriage should be a partnership, 50/50. BUT I don't think a good, sustainable marriage is one where you are each EVERYTHING to the other person. That would be stifling and too high an expectation or ideal. People need room to breathe.

I think too many people , men and women, have an image of what marriage is in their heads and have it totally wrong. A lot of people think just because they get married that they've accomplished the ultimate goal of "happily ever after" when that's just the beginning. That's why I don't understand why people are in such a rush to be engaged when most of the time they don't really and truly know the person they are settling down with. Hell, they don't even know themselves in most cases. I can't say I know how to make marriages work or how to keep the "spark", whatever that is, but I can say I take that level of commitment very seriously and won't just jump into it because someone says they love me and we've been together for 2+ years and feel pressured to do it.

I agree with you, Arlene. For a good and sustainable marriage, you need to be everything to each other: spouse, friend, lover. I made my one marriage mistake, and now I'm in a better marriage with all the right ideals. Staying in a marriage for the kids is just not right. My parents did that, and my brother and I knew better. And they're still married! And it's painful to watch and be stuck in the middle of. Sometimes divorce is just the easy out, which can be okay and normal. 50% of marriages end in divorce, so it's not like they're alone.

If you make those vows, it is up to you to stick with those vows. Unless cheating or abuse occurs, there is no excuse for divorce. I think there is always a way to make it work, whether it be through counseling, church, advice from family or friends. Couples who center their relationships around GOD have a much better chance of staying together than those who do not.

Andrea-Thank you for your response. I did get divorced, only it took me a year in therapy on my own to figure out the marriage wasn't my problem, I hit 35 and with no children I was feeling bad about myself. The dynamics of our marraige was changing, my best friend was murdered and I was mad at the world. I thought by changing my life I would find the happiness I was looking for. I found myself all alone and still angry, bitter more at the loss of my husband and the life I had than before. I think I expected him to "make it better" so to speak and no one could but me. We had a great life and I do believe that things would have gotten better had I not left him. We had been through so much. The stress of being a cop's wife is hard, the failed fertility treatments, the stress of our parents sickness and changes. We had stayed true to each other and I saw my life falling to pieces. I can honestly say that I blamed him for everything because I couldn't face the fact that things just happen. I miss him everyday, I loved him more than anything in this world and I let him go. I have chosen not to date at all now, its been almost 2 years since our divorce, but I don't want anyone else. I can only hope if anyone is riding a fence on whether to walk away or not, stop and look at the whole picture before making a decision. Decisions made during hard times usually turn out to be bad ones. I know the world isn't perfect and it is easy to blame other people, but he had no control of the circumstances. I think I found myself in that "I deserve it all" mentality and the only way to get was to start over. I was very wrong.

I diagree with Gina. Men are not the only ones who throw in their vows. And why must marriage be monogamous or permanent?

I think if you have the right person in your life, and you are certain of how things would be over time, then marriage is a possibility, but its also a choice.

You can be exclusive to one another, financially and emotionally support one another, and still have no official piece of paper "marrying you".

Our modern day construct of marriage barely resembles what it was thousands of years ago. Thousands of years ago, once insemination took place, that was defined as a "marriage", but polygamy was rampant as well.

Today, marriage like everything else is a business. That's what's sad. There's pomp and circumstance about it going in, and the legal system creates even more pomp and circumstance going out.

Historically divorces were handled through abandonment or writs of divorce issued by the husband or declarations in triplicate of divorce by the wife.

The rise of the Catholic Church created a more permanent structure of "marriage" through its edicts forbidding divorce. But let's face it, the reality is that marriage is an institution best left to the dead-on-certain. If not, 50 percent check out.

The spark is gone lets get a divorce, I am tired of fighting, lets get a divorce. It is to hard, The other person doesn't do half of the work, I'm tired, bored, upset, lets get a divorce. Why bother getting married. If you go into a marriage thinking if it gets to hard or boring or whatever you can just get divorced the your marriage WILL end in divorce. It is to easy to get a divorce and just quit when the going gets tough. People need to suck it up and do the work required and stop quitting.

"Often times a new person does not make a difference if you don't change your pattern of thought. "

I agree 100%. A good resource that I have found is “Getting The Love You Want” by Harville Hendrix, PhD; it delves into marriage expectations and wounds from childhood trying to be healed by your partner. I have been married 21 years and this book has helped us through some tough times and change our thought patterns and expectations.

Marriage should be a partnership between friends & lovers. If I can't consider you my friend, a confidant and a lover it can't work. I believe friendship/soul mates are very close to the same thing. I trust my friends and my husband should be the most trusted, someone I can trust with my heart, mind, body & soul. We may not always agree but we love and respect each other, so a lying, cheating man could never be considered a friend. Staying because of the kids is a huge sacrifice and if you can make it then hats off to you, & you can look at it like having a roommate! I look at staying for the kids as a count down to parole. My clock has 7 years left, I'll be 40 but my daughter will've had a stable home with both parents. When she leaves for college I should be prepared for a single and happy life.

Absolutelypositive, in response to your question, i think there is no set amount of time or years to making a marriage work. As long as if/when you do throw in the towel, you can honestly say to yourself that you gave it your all and you tried the best you possibly could to make it work. If after all of that, you are still miserable, then do what is right for you, and if that means divorce, then so be it. Just learn from your mistakes, and don't make them again.

there are signs before you get married that its not a good idea.

You know.... I honestly don't see what the big deal about divorce is.
If you marry the wrong person, for the wrong reason, what do you think will happen in the long run?
The best divorces are the ones where you mutually agree its just not working and you go your separate ways and wish each other well.
Just use it as a learning experience and pick a more suitable partner next time.

I thoughat you said no spark

I have a friend who has been divorced 3 times and is on her 4th marriage. Whenever things aren't perfect in her new marriage she throws divorce in her husbands face! Its seems like divorce is always the answer to her problems...

For all of you who have strict, unwavering, black-and-white opinions, I used to be right there with you...and I would caution you to be careful not to judge. You never know when you will be facing your worst nightmare within your relationship. Try to consider things from a different perspective. We all bring to these discussions our own experiences, but it is NEVER EVER our place to judge the relationships of others. We should simply try to understand and love people the people in our lives who going through difficult times... No one ever goes into a marriage expecting or waiting for a divorce.

Things are never black and white, nor are they always what they seem...

I can't tell you what makes it work. I know that I tried - probably too many times, but I kept telling myself "I'll give him one more chance." I did this until I was so miserable I couldn't face going home anymore. I did everything I could in order to avoid it. We tried counselors, priests, etc. and nothing worked.

Actually, maybe that's the answer - you need TWO people who WANT to make it work; two people who are willing to do whatever it takes to make the other person happy (within reason, of course). Both partners must work at it, and if only one is putting in the effort, it isn't going to work.

huh its so wierd that i stumbled upon this.one of my husbands cousin and his wife seperated over thanksgiving .the guy who ill call Matthew decided he couldn't take it any more and declared to his wife thanksgiving night that he had another girlfriend and he didn't want to be with her any more ohh and in two weeks she will be graduating from college with a R.N. they have been married 4 years but have been together 10. I couldn't believe that this happened i feel so bad for her . since then i haven't been able to sleep well .i keep wondering how does this happen they were so in love i envied there relationship Matthew always seemed so in love with her . my husband talked to him and he says i just don't love her any more im not happy but what does marriage have to do with love its supposed to be a partnership two people coming together for the common good of both. and sometimes its not easy but how do you just throw in the towel. why is it so easy for men to leave and not respect there vows . its so sad.

Hi all -

I appreciate all your comments. I am surprised at how many people are saying "if it doesn't work, it doesn't work." Then again, that's probably why there are so many divorces.

No one has really answered my question except for the last commenter, Steph: What do you think will happen if you get divorced? Often times a new person does not make a difference if you don't change your pattern of thought.

I truly believe our society has programmed us that "we deserve it!" and "we can have it all" and that's bs. We can't, plain and simple. If we say, "we have to accept our partners, warts and all" then many say we are settling. If we don't, many say we are too picky.

I love all of you for your honesty, but I'm also going to say that it is the very reason I am sticking with Rex, warts and all! (Not THOSE kinds of warts, people.)