Finally, I have figured it out. For the longest time I thought a had a problem with commitment: I've been terrified to get into another doomed relationship. God forbid it lasts more than two weeks at which point I get bored and intimidated to tears. I couldn't stay at a job for longer than a year and the last time I lived someplace for over 9 months was in high school! And friends? Don't even get me started on friends: I keep jumping from one to another...finding new and even more creative ways to chase them away.
Sure, it's difficult to get past the first two weeks of dating a new guy, and when you're working entry level administrative positions it's very easy to get bored quickly. Living somewhere? I just figured out that room mates are not my cup of tea (probably has something to do with not being able to keep friends). But I mean there is a limit to how paralyzed one should get by fear. I'm starting to think this isn't by choice! What's wrong with me?! Do I have a sign above my head that screams "STAY AWAY!" or is my aura black with uncertainty...can people tell? Why isn't anyone trying to save me anymore? Have they given up right as I'm ready for them?
I wish there was a quick and simple solution to this played out dilemna. I'm commitmentphobic (yes, it is an actual phobia) and here is what all-knowing Wikepedia has to say about that:
"Commitmentphobia is a real disabling fear, that can be manifest in many areas of life, including career, home ownership, or even shoe shopping. This fear can make simple every day decisions into a tremendous burden.
To assuage their anxieties, many commitmentphobics become fantasy-driven, using their active imaginations to fill in for the lack of emotional security and closeness in their lives. Of course, these fantasies pose additional problems because no potential partner, car, or job can ever live up to the fantasy. Commitmentphobics are also prone to self-destructive behavior, such as walking out on partners or jobs without notice, leaving themselves and the people in their lives in untenable situations."
How bad is it? It can take me 20 minutes to pick a beverage from a grocery store aisle! But I'm so tired of it...I do want a relationship that lasts, I want a place to live that I love, I want to be able to tell people that I've been at my job for more than 9 months and I want people to be able to tell that to! Truly and honestly and for everything that has ever mattered to me...I want to stop running!
Why does it have to be so debilitating?!
Photo by Andy Reynolds.