Why are commitment issues so debilitating?

Commitmentphobia is a very complex issue. Best worked on with a good psychotherapist. A lot of commitment phobics follow many of the same patterns in life, and also have had similar childhood experiences. Find someone to talk to! It's not a mental problem but since it is impacting your life it is finally time to take action. Good luck!!!

IT TAKES TIME DO NOT SETTLE FOR LESS DO NOT BE PUSHY WITH ANY ONE ,

pls r men worth TRUSTING.am scare of falling in luv

love is indias no 1

What you've said here is very true. I just recently decided I've had enough with the third guy I've dated in seven months. I was beginning to believe that the problem is not them but me. I'm too picky and impatient. You've just reconfirmed that it's okay to have standards and when you know something is not a fit for you, it's okay to not waste anymore time in the situation. I've always believed that if I waste my time with Mr. I Know Won't Work, then I'll miss Mr. Right For Me. Thanks!

I am 39 and I am a commitmentphobic. I am like this in every aspect of my life. Even choosing a place to eat for lunch or dinner, this goes way beyond relationships...I was married for 9 years (I got a divorce 11 years ago) I have dated many men, most which I have had on and off relationships with for years, but the key word is "on and off"!
This is the first time in my life I have been at a job longer then a year...I have now been here 3 1/2 years...No one can believe it..I use to think it was because I got board, my relationships did not work because the men had problems..I have realized they are not the ones with the problems, because when I am in a good relationship I do something to sabotage it, causing the man to walk away..
This is a very miserable way to live life, I am never completely satisfied..As soon as I realize a man actually likes me, I find something wrong with him...I kid you not, I stopped dating one man, after I realized he was pretty into me, because his legs were too skinny...
I've tried to make a change in myself and pretend I was happy with things, but that was the problem, I was pretending...

be in touch with me ssme007@yahoo.com

I agree that commitmentphobia is a very complex issue. Will it ever healed mentally and physically? Even though i am in a relationship now, since getting divorced 3 years ago, i still have the fear to commit. The tears still come at night. The fear of loneliness is still there. The fear of getting cheated again is still there.

Keep up your spirits and good luck!!

The problem is not everyone else. The problem is you. If you are driving away friends and can't stay with a person or job very long it's you. You need to figure out what you're inhibitions are and release them or you're gonna end up old, shriveled and alone!

munna i love you

Oh my God! I have found a name for my disease! Honey, you are not alone. . .there needs to be a support group cuz this is me and there seems to be a lot of us. I'm scared to death of commitment down to picking a shade of lipstick. . . . . it's sickening.

ineed to see sex

Wow!!

I really understand where you're coming from @ golden and Rita

I'm 28 yrs old and I dumped a guy because he didn't put his glass on a coaster at my house.

I am definately commitment phobic. With my career life it hasn't been too bad because of educational reasons I was moving and leaving every 3-4 years anyway. Now is actually the first time I'm trying to put down roots And so far so good, but I've only been at the job 1 1/2 year. I can't speak until 3 years from now.

But with men...thats a different issue. Before 6 weeks was my breaking point. I would have to end it at 6 weeks. It was always different reasons/excuses that I had, but the same pattern. But then two years ago it shortened to 2 weeks. After 2 weeks, I'm done. And in the past 9 months I don't get past the 1st date!!! They want to see me again, I don't want to see them again.

You can say thats choosy, but I don't think so. You can't get to know a person in one date. Yeah there may be some people you just know right away, but most "normal" people need around 3 dates to get a handle on who the other person is enough to determine if they want to see them more.

I get this weird sensation like I'm wearing an itchy, tight uncomfortable sweater and I just feel like GET IT OFF!!!! Thats how I feel about the guy after the first date. Even when I had a blast. I'll go home glowing and we'll schedule the next date and I'll cancel or postpone it.

Its definately fear of another bad relationship. And it doesn't help that my parents are getting a divorce right now.

And I know people say everything will work out when you meet the "right person" Thats bullshit!!!! If you're messed up inside you can meet the perfect person but you're too messed up to see it or be able for it to last. Love comes from the inside out, not the outside in. And the foundation is trust, I have very big trust issues. I also live alone and run off many of my friends. I've just realized 4 months ago how bad I've gotten and I've been praying about it alot. But its difficult.

Ha Ha, I have to laugh.

I have been musing the fact that I may be a commitmentphobe for the last 2 weeks (after the breakdown of another relationship btw my average is 6 months)and after reading people's responses I related a lot and felt that i should contribute but honestly my first thought was that i had better not because i can't remove it when i want to.

I wasn't even going to commit to contributing to your blogs!! HA!!

And thank you to everyone who has contributed, I don't feel so alone or mad anymore.

Rita, you are not alone! I'm 27, and I've recently had similar realizations about myself, and I've come to the conclusion that it's something that can be changed if I can commit to changing these patterns that I have. That having been said, issues with commitment are easily confused with issues involving refusal to remain in a situation that is unhappy, unproductive, or unsuitable. Although an aversion to commitment is likely a part of the problem, some of us simply refuse to settle for anything less than everything that we want, and we don't like to waste time being unsatisfied. Some people would characterize this as giving up too easily, but leaving a situation that is unsatisfactory is simply making a choice. Another choice is to remain in an unhappy situation, whether it is a job, a relationship, or a living situation, and some people make this choice simply because they do not want to give up too easily, which I would argue is not the right reason to remain in a situation. Regardless, your feelings of dissatisfaction should not be minimalized, nor should your decisions to do what you believe is best for yourself at the time. Fear of commitment is only a problem if you perceive yourself avoiding commitment to situations that are actually in your best interest in the long term. Once you find yourself in a job, living situation, or relationship that makes you feel comfortable, you will find that your desire will be to preserve the situation, rather than to escape from it. Give close attention to your thoughts and feelings of dissatisfaction, and examine the origins of these feelings. If you really are truly unsatisfied by a situation, that's much different than feeling like you could possibly be much happier with something better. Make decisions carefully, and acknowledge your feelings rather than others' perceptions of your decisions.

BABY, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETING, IT IS NOT WORTH HAVING SEX OR FINDING SOMEONE THAT YOU THINK IS RIGHT FOR YOU.WHY? BECAUSE YOU DONT KNOW WHAT THEY HAVE IN MIND OR WHAT EVER ELSE THAT THEY ARE THINKING ABOUT. HERE I AM 19 AND TO BE HONEST I HAVE ALOT OF THINGS GOING ON WITH MY BODY BECAUSE OF SEX. BUT I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW JUST DONT GIVE UP, NOT NOW. WHY? BECAUSE GOD HAVE SOMEONE OUT THERE FOR YOU THAT WILL ACCEPT YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE. KEEP YOUR HEAD UP.

Hun there is still hope. Im 37 i have been divorced 2 times. I am having issues myself. Sometimes when we have expierenced bad things in life our brain and body put up a defense, a wall so to speak.... it makes it hard to trust and yes it makes it hard to do commitments.. Just hang in there and when the right person comes around that "wall" will come down and it will let you open up...hope you have a great day/week

I believe that you just don't find the right for you yet
when that person arrive all that anxieties will vanish
Had hope and keep it up