Why Do I Attract Emotionally Unavailable Men?

Dear Nina: I just bought the book Temptations of the Single Girl and it couldn't have come at a better time. My boyfriend of 8 months and I broke up today. We both cried a lot today together and I discovered that I attract emotionally UNAVAILABLE men. I don't know why and hopefully can get an insight to why? Billy has been divorced for 4 years after being married for 21yrs. Why does a man make his heart hard and afraid to love again? I would love to hear from you. Thank you and I look forward to reading your book. Pepper


Dear Pepper,

I'm so sorry for the pain you're going through right now. I have been in the exact same position in the past - crying my eyes out over an emotionally unavailable guy. In fact, crying WITH the guy (a strange scenario, as I couldn't help but wonder why he was grieving so heavily if he didn't want our relationship). I'll comment on that part later.

My journey to a wonderful marriage with an emotionally available man began with confronting the same reality you are dealing with - I, too, attracted the emotionally unavailable men in droves! I had to go inward a lot to uncover the "why," and for me it was familiarity. I grew up without the presence of a loving and strong father, so my "blueprint" for relationships with men was all about trying to fix things that couldn't be fixed.

The paradox was that out loud I said I wanted an available guy, but deep down I didn't feel deserving. You see, I finally realized that when a woman truly believes she deserves an emotionally available guy, she doesn't need to talk about it, she lives it. The wounded guys, the aloof men, the still-attached-to-someone-else guys, the guys trapped in the past of a love that got away, or WHATEVER it is that keeps them from committing - those guys lost their appeal for me. I simply was no longer attracted to those kinds of guys, or if I was, all I had to do was briefly reflect on how that had turned out in the past and the attraction was gone. That was my breakthrough. How did I get there?

All of the processes that I recommend in Temptations of the Single Girl- those were the practices that gave me my inner compass, the unyielding resolution to never again settle for an emotionally unavailabe guy! It was that very strong commitment to ME that broke the pattern.

Women who attract emotionally unavailable men do so because someone significant failed to stand up for them earlier in life. Someone essential to building a healthy blueprint wasn't there, or was abusive, or was neglectful. What women in this situation come away with is the deep-down feeling that they are not worthy of a great guy who adores them, that relationships are a struggle.

The good news is that you can change that blueprint! That's why I wrote the book - to help women change the course of their lives so that they never again settle for anything less than a great relationship. So, hang in there, Pepper! Keep taking little steps in the direction of loving yourself first, men second. Build that inner compass that tells you early on that he's going to break your heart so you just don't go there.

Why do these guys shut down at some point? Their blueprint for relationships is also damanged. They get scared and run away because they don't have an inner compass that assures them that they are strong enough to handle the ups and downs of an intimate relationship.

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