Why I Got A Divorce

Hi Andrea

From what I have read it seems to me that you got that little itch that most women get and you decided to get it scratched by someone else other then your husband. Like every Tom, Dick, and Harry in town. You were right when you stated that you were to immature for marriage. I feel soory for this Guy that has attached himself to you now. He will regret it later.

Andrea,

You used the experience of the first marriage to learn about yourself and what it takes to make a marriage work. Obviously, you and Rex have put a lot into your marriage to make it work. That is the best any of us can do. You realized that you got married before you were ready for it the first time. The second time, you were ready. No one should get married with their eyes closed. As for the divorce statistics, I would not be surprised if they are accurate. Too many people do not learn from their past mistakes. They repeat the same ones because they fail to see the underlying truth behind the failure of their marriage(s). You did not repeat your own mistake. That is why I feel you will be fine the second time around.

Personally, I have never been married. Just never found someone. At 48, I have a different set of issues. Vexed by a situation for which I am not well equipped. You are welcome to read my most recent post, it might make you glad you don't have my problems. Best wishes to you and your family!

http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/none/where-is-my-kaishakunin-when-i-need-him-545415/

sc5417,

I totally feel your pain and my story is similar. Met my wife when I was 19 & we married by 23. Then had a great, not perfect, marriage for the next 9 years. We loved & supported each other; we raised a family, went to church etc. We were of envy of all of our married & single friends. But something happened in our early 30's and then I was replaced. The pain was unbarable & unimagineable. Five years later I still wonder how she could so easily have replace me for someone who doesn't love her or treat her the way I did. So don't be too hard on yourself, 18 months is not that long and the road to recovery & healing is long. I am still stuggling with abandonment & forgiveness issues, though I'm in a much better place now than I was a couple of years ago. I too don't know if I will ever remarry. It just seems like people don't want to put the time & effort into making a relationship work. Hang in there!! Be alone is okay as long as you're surrounded by the people that truly love you!!

SC5417 - your story sounds scarily similar to mine. I've been divorced for 3 years now and I haven't had a date yet either. Of course, when I think really hard about it, I realize I don't want to. I'm perfectly happy with my life the way it is - without a man.

SC 5417- At least you know what you need to work on. It's not too late to get help with that. Keep us posted, kay?

Another Hockey Fan - 3 Times the Charm! Glad you are in a good space. Lovely to hear.

At least you know your first husband loved you. I was married for 16 years and separated last year and divorced this year. I was replaced by a new woman in a flash it seemed, so of course I question whether I was ever really loved by him at all. I loved him-he was my first love, we were only 20 when we met-I sometimes wish things never started between us. Part of me says he did love me and he only replaced me so soon because he has a hard time being alone, that's actually part of what he says. He also says that he did not replace me, that no one can, he just thought I needed better for me cause of the hurtful things he did during the marriage. Obviously, I cannot do better as I've been alone for 18 months and haven't done at all. I get to know how happy he is with someone else and how he does things for her that he rarely or never did for me and I'm alone. Sometimes I feel ok and other times I feel like I'm dying inside. I know i will never remarry-hell, I can't even get a date, so remarriage is definately not in the cards for me. Maybe one day , I'll feel better and be able to stay that way-maybe 18 months isn't that long when how long we were together is taken into consideration, but it feels like this loneliness will never end. I just really wanted things to work between the two of us, but I guess he had other plans. Divorce is very painful and kills self-esteem and hope. If people can work on things (NOT abuse) then try to do so, the feelings from divorce are hard to get over. I know I will be ok on my own, I've already lived alone and handled business on my own for a while now, but it just seems to take so long to be ok with the fact that I AM alone and probably will be for alot longer.

I also am divorcing my husband after 8 yrs. of marriage and 13 yrs total. I was young ,I married him 2mths after my 21st birthday. He was 28. Our relationship from the beginning wasn't the best , but he asked and I foolishly said yes. Only to find out last year that he wasn't in love with me and that he only asked mt to marry him so that I would stay in Arizona and not move back to California with our oldest child. He also told me this on my birthday. I helped him raise 2 other children that weren't mine, but that I cared and love as though they were. His family disrespected me and him as a family, although there was never any physical abuse, there were the moments where I questioned my emotional state and our relationship. I finally knew that there was no love or a stable relationship between us. I could no longer hide my emotions and our children sensed that also. I always felt that I would be a failure if we didn't stay together, or that I couldn't leave becuase of our children. I then became mature and realized I was only hurting myself, him , and our children by staying in this relationship. We are now better to each other , and better models to our children. He is not dating by his own admission that he is not prepared, I am dating, but searching for another marriage. If that is the true plan that God has for me, it will come to past. I continue stay faithful to the truths that love doesn't hurt or feel bad. Love is true,kind and unconditional. I know what mistakes not make in all future relationshis from here on out. I do thank him for always being a great father. He is not a good husband, boyfriend, or lover, but in my opnion no better man to be a father than him. I truly love him for giving our children what we didn't have.

The stats say it all about why there are more people choosing not to either remarry or get married...The American dream of having the house with the white picket fence, etc is becoming more of a regular nightmare because through the words of the contract 'for better or worse...well it looks like Marriage now-n-days is in the for the WORSE!. There was one girlfriend from my past, who told me a secret; there is not only one perfect fit of an opposite for you, there could be several fits throughout one's journey in life for you. And with this in mind, is exactly why and IMO Marriage is becoming more obsolete. People change, and when they do, they too whatever they change into find that connection as the search for one's fulfillment or should I say, filling the empty space in our hearts. I see within too, my mother and Father who have been married for over 50 years, how they 'change' and do so for the sake of various factors that will help eliminate the Boredom factors of being with the Same partner year after year, etc. Only those who are adaptable to this this kind of 'change' will probably be the ones who will (IMO) be successful in marriage and be together for a long time. However, the words of success and happiness are still coming from the factors of Money and materialisms which are really a Vain thing, and therefore with this stressed, there comes about VAIN relationships that too by proof of hollywood marriages...never last a lifetime. Too much pretties, too much vanities, too much temptations...that lead a lot to change and wander off into another direction in LIFE.

I've never been through a divorce so I can't directly relate. I'm 23 and had the opportunity to marry at 19 to a guy "I thought was the one". Fortunatly, the cosmos came together and with a bit of luck that was all destroyed. I always thought there was something wrong with me because all my friends have been married with children since like 20. I'm the only one left. I go back in forth between relief and the feeling that maybe no one will ever love me enough to ask me. Now, I have someone whom I can honestly say might make that leap one day but currently I do not feel the same. I wonder mostly what is wrong with me but I find your posts inspiring. Sometimes, It just takes others mistakes to remind me why I don't jump in to things and I am truly happy that I could walk away no strings attached right now if need be.

WOW!!! I knew about the first marriage having a 50% success rate, but the second and third being so high for failure surprises me. Being divorced myself once, I decided IF I remarried, I would be smarter, choosier, and more realistic so that I wouldn't be divorced again. And I think I made the right choice when I DID get remarried. We're all allowed our one mistake, but I wouldn't want to make another one.

I know you're right Andrea-unfortunately, I have struggled with self-esteem issues for most of my life and this situation has not helped that sturggle. I had made progress in that area during the course of the marriage, even when some of the things he did set me back a bit, and now it seems that I'm right back to square one with that. I know what I need to do and have even done some of the work it takes to get thru this, but I sometimes still get really down about it, especially with the holidays coming up. We were separated last year, but were still working on things. this year, however, he is spending it with the woman that ultimately ended the mariage for good and that's a little difficult to deal with-that's why I'm so sad about things right now.

OH WOW, LADIES LIFE GOES ON... I HAVE BEEN MARRIES BEEN DIVORCED FOR 13YRS... IM 36... AND WHAT A RELIEF... AT FIRST I THOUGHT LIFE WAS OVER BUT I SERVE A GOD THAT WILL OPEN AND CLOSE DOORS NO MAN OR WOMEN CAN OPEN ... STAY IN PRAYER... IT HELPS... ALSO MY MARRIAGE WAS TOUGH LETTING GO HE WAS ABUSIVE I WAS LOYAL THEN I FOUND OUT HE CHEATED I WALKED AWAY AND DIDNT LOOK BACK.... SO DONT EVER FEEL LIKE THERES NO ONE OUT THERE FOR U... GOD DIDNT MAKE US TO BE ALONE... JUST BE PT... SOMETIMES WE GOT TO GO THRU SO THAT WE CAN APPRIECIATE WHAT BETTER THINGS GOD HAS FOR US...I DO HAVE A GOOD MAN IN MY LIFE WHO I DO LOVE

SC5417 - I am sorry for what you are going through. My own take: If you don't want a relationship in the future because you're happier alone, by all means, that's awesome! That's a very valid choice. But if you're basing your future on your present, combined with a negative "I'll never" attitude, you're guaranteeing you won't have happiness. I'm just offering the concept that if you visualize a difference, and start changing your attitude (since you can't change your circumstances) things could go a whole different way. Good luck to you! Hang tough!

Mauna - I suppose the real question is WHY people are unwilling to change with the people they are with.

Chez - I'm sorry for what you're going through. It's not easy.

Coug - I know - aren't the statistics staggering? I heard it on a news program and then found this statistic online. I'm going to dig deeper to be sure this is correct. Either way, the point to take from it all is that we probably won't learn from our mistakes unless we really really really decide to make changes within.

Scoot - We all make mistakes. Good luck with your next relationship. I'm sure it will be better with a more mature take. That's what worked for me.

Rolanda - Best to you during this tough time.

None - I wouldn't call Rex my soul mate. That term, in my opinion, is what makes marriage so hard. Another post on that to be sure.

Sophia Marie - Glad you're checking in and figuring out a bit early what works for you.

I got married at the YOUNG age of 22 and my marriage only lasted 3 1/2 years. I was young and stupid, and i had this idea of the way life should go... First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in a baby carriage. BOY was i wrong. My husband never truly loved me. He's got one of those personalities like a smalll child. He's infatuated with this new toy (me) until it gets boring and the next new great model of that toy comes out! I have a very strong commitment to marriage. My parents are two of the only people i know who stayed married of all my friends parents. So of course i tried to work on the relationship. He would have nothing of it, and said that he was hopeless and i would be better off to move on. So...I did. Now when my silly little friends come to me and say that they are engaged, I go on a tangent about the seriousness of marriage. How stressful, expensive and painstakingly long divorce can be. In the end, although i feel some form of shame for not thinking it through before getting married, i feel ive taken something away from this whole situation. I've learned a huge life lesson and i know that i will NOT jump into a marriage in the future. I want to take things slow and be absalutelly sure next time. If in fact there is a next time.

Andrea: Both my current hubby and I have been there. We both married young the first time. Me 24 and him 21 (but the times were WAY different for him, it was 1971 when he married and 1989 for me). Anyhow, my marriage lasted 4 1/2 years. It wasn't a bad marriage, just realized I got married too young and really only wanted the wedding. So, needless to say, my current hubby and I both respectively waited to get married a long time. He remarried at 32, but unfortunately for him wife #2 didn't last either. It was 16 years though vs his short lived 2 year first one. I'm 44 now and he's 58 and we married last year. Obviously, we both have been through a LOT between the two of us and believe an "older marriage" is the best marriage, at least for us!

The higher rate of divorce in second and third marriages is attributed directly to the first divorce - in short, you've "learned" that when the marriage gets really challenging, you can call it quits. If you don't work on improving yourself after the divorce, the same or similar issues will come up in future relationships.

I myself am twice divorced - first marriage lasted 9 months; we were both too immature to commit. Andrea's description of feeling trapped is an accurate description how I felt when I chose to end my second marriage. I still don't regret that decision.

The statistics that I'm curious to see are those of people who have divorced and chose not to remarry (but are in long-term committed relationships). I wonder if those relationships have the same high failure rate as second and third marriages.

Ron, who broke your heart to make you so cold???????

Life is hard...I hope you find happiness..Ive been with same man 15yrs,im only 31. Just have fun!!! I would! Party, meet new people!Take your time and find Mr.Right..Just think of you now!! Take control..

Ya men always leave a woman for something young that comes around, and wow, how did you get married if you were still in process with the last guy, thank you for pointing out that you have to be happy first WITHOUT ANYONE, then you can share your life with someone when you truly love yourself and complete that happiness. Glad you found your soul mate!