Men show their appreciation through achievements, women through words.
In one of my seminars a woman asked, "How do you know how much a man loves a woman? They certainly don't seem to tell us every day, do they?" I asked my husband the same question that evening. He thought about it for a brief moment and then said, "By what he is willing to do for her." Plain and simple.
In relationship coaching, this issue comes up in almost every session. Men and women show their love differently and not only does this create conflict it also causes huge amounts of pain. Women want to talk to men about their feelings. We create environments of pleasure and relaxation by sharing and talking. It relaxes us. The problem is, it does not relax men in the same way. On the contrary, it creates tension for them and confusion. Don't get me wrong, men do want to please us, do the right thing and say the right words, they just don't know how. They only time a man knows what to do is when a woman has shown him how. In most cases, men will remain silent and women will feel hurt.
Why is it so painful when a man does not respond with attention, words, smiles, and those little gestures that make us feel better? As women, we are aware of what goes on around us at all times. We pay attention to the mood in a room, to the mood of the people in the room, we smooth out ups and downs in the energy, we smile, we touch, we play and we make sure everybody is happy. It's a natural flow for us, it is easy and it feels good. We are used to showing our affection that way and it creates a void when a man does not respond in kind.
What can we do about it?
Below are several ways to bring out the love in your man:
- Don't expect him to be something he is not. You can be angry at your guy for not getting it (and be miserable for the rest of your life) or you can accept him for who he is. It's up to you.
- Don't talk to him about your feelings. Period. Especially not when you are down, upset, stressed out or otherwise tense. It's going to end badly. Instead, take a hot bath, chill out, watch a movie, or talk to a girlfriend. Women know how to comfort and make you feel better.
- Ask him for help. Remember, men like showing their love by doing things for you. Learn to ask for support. Tell him about a problem you are confronted with and ask him how he would handle it. You will be surprised how fast he comes up with a solution. This is where men are brilliant. They love to think strategically and solve problems. It's easy for them and it makes them feel good about themselves.
- Acknowledge him. Tell him when he does something you like. Instead of complaining about what he is doing wrong, tell him what he is doing right. It will go a long way.
- Give him a chance to win. Men like to be heroes and they like to win for you. Let him show his brilliance and have the last word. So many women have to constantly prove that they can do it themselves. It's exhausting. Give in and relax. Realize how much he wants to impress you, how much he revels in your admiration and enjoy your feminine power.
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Photo Source: Katie Tegtmeyer via Flickr under a Creative Commons License