World's Worst Dating Advice: 8 Terrible Tips from Love Experts

Anyone have advice on love? Anyone besides the guy in the furry hat and goggles?There's questionable dating advice and then there's unquestionably bad dating advice. This Valentine's day we've hand selected some of the worst, off-color, and unintentionally amusing feedback from self-proclaimed experts in the art of romance. In an over-saturated market of relationship how-to's, it's almost easier to isolate the worst advice and avoid it at all costs. We can't promise it will lead to love, but at least you'll be able to live with yourself.

Bad Advice #1: Speak inaudibly
Men love it when they can barely hear a woman's voice, even when she's speaking directly to them. This useless nugget from the recently published "The Geisha Secret: Ancient Dating Rituals Proven to Win a Modern Man's Heart." Author Hanako extols the virtues of being a woman of few words and much face paint. "Don't speak too loudly. Kyoto Geishas speak a special dialect that is much softer than the modern Japanese language because it is more attractive. A loud, harsh voice is unfeminine." Know what else is unfeminine? Confidence. "Avoid appearing aggressive. It's okay to be confident but soften your confidence so it's unthreatening."

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Bad Advice #2: Act like everything is such a coincidence...an insulting coincidence.
Women aren't the only targets for bad advice. Our boy Mystery (i.e. the former TV dating guru who looks suspiciously like the lead singer of Stone Temple Pilots) has created the world's worst pick-up tactics for guys. Overall, he believes women turn to jelly when a man speaks sends mixed signals in under 10 seconds. Here's his sample conversation tactic from "The Massive Complete Book of Mystery's Pick-up Artist Routines":

Guy: "What nationality are you?"
Girl: "French"
Guy: "Seriously? No Way!!! The girl I had the biggest crush on in high school was French!I Can't even talk to you now."

An important clincher, as you may have noticed above, is for guys to express that their own enthusiasm has in effect totally turned them off to a woman. Confused? Here's another example:

Guy: "If you could be anything in the world with no chance of failure what would you be? And don't say ''princess' haa."
Girl: "Um an actress."
Guy "Really? When I was little I wanted to grow up and be a magician!...I bet you'd be an amazing actress. But what if you get more attention than I? I can't even hang out with you now."

Here's what would happen next, not according to Mystery, but according to reality:
Girl: "That was weird. What just happened?"
Girl's Friend: "I have no idea."

Bad Advice #3: Don't act like you won an election, or anything
"In our household, Jim is the president, and I am the vice president," writes Real Housewives of Orange County's Alexis Bellino on her blog. "This is what we have found to make our lives run most smoothly. Please understand that this does not mean that I do not have my say or that I don't have my opinions." That's awesome that she gets to have her opinions, but let's be perfectly clear as to who has the veto power.

Bad Advice #4: Don't cook for him until you're married
"No title, no chicken," Tionna Tee Smalls, author of the gruesomely titled,"Men Love Abuse: The Guide to Losing the Nice Girl Image & Getting the Man You Want," advised in an interview with S2S Magazine. "You don't cook for a guy that you're dating. You don't know nothing about this guy to be sitting here and cooking for him. He needs to earn that. If he wants you to cook for him, he'll make you his girl." It's like the old saying goes, why buy the cow when you can get the chicken cooked for free.

Bad Advice #5: Stop nagging and just let your husband enjoy his affair
The dating doesn't stop when you're married, according to a nifty advice book for couples (but mostly men) called, "Your Affair: How to Manage Every Aspect of Your Extramarital Relationship with Passion, Discretion and Dignity." In addition to over-reasoning why cheating is totally natural and perfectly within your rights as a man, there's a chapter just for the suspicious wife who ruins everything. If you think your husband is having an affair, author H. Cameron Barnes suggests the following tactic. "Don't investigate. Don't ask. Don't tell...[Confronting your spouse] is a futile exercise that will only make yourself feel more miserable than you already do. It's true that some men crave and are fascinated by variety and isn't a heck of a lot that you can do about it." Any questions? Yes this book was published this past year.

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Bad Advice #6: Date like an aggressive realtor
In an interview about her book, "Secrets of Jewish Mother," Jill Zarin (another Real Housewife with a thing or two to say about love) extols the virtues of online dating. But buyer beware: before you agree to an online date, Zarin suggests you do a credit check, "to make sure they aren't pretending to be someone else." If there's anything a man loves about a woman he's never met, it's her eagerness to check his credit score. Zarin also compares dating to working on commission: "Like a good sales girl, never leave a cold lead. If somebody says, 'I have a guy for you,' you have to go on every single fix up you get. You are not allowed to say no-even if you don't like him, you may like his friend." Remember the matchmaker is always right.

Bad Advice #7: Over-think your outfit
"The Geisha Secret" offers another gem, this time in preparation for meeting the man of your dreams who thinks talking to women is icky. "Wear feminine clothing and shoes: skirts, dresses high heals...Every time you get dressed, ask yourself if you look feminine." If the answer is no, lock yourself in the closet to shield others from your hideous lack of maiden-flowery-ness.

Bad Advice #8: Have your feelings surgically removed from your brain
Jezebel called our attention to some advice from Samantha Daniels, a New York City matchmaker, on how date a Wall Street guy. Ironically, she makes a better case for why NOT to a Wall Street guy. But if you're really curious what Daniels thinks it takes to attract a man who takes the six train all the way downtown, know this: it's not going to be pretty. "You need to be prepared that the volatility of the markets might make your guy's mood unpredictable," writes Daniels on CNBC, "especially on a day that his personal portfolio went down dramatically." So unchecked mood disorders, unpredictable bouts of rage. That all?

Unfortunately not. He really hates when you have friends. "You need to be accommodating of his schedule and time constraints or he will get frustrated and find another woman," writes Daniels.

Also, ladies, please shut your trap. He doesn't want to hear it. "Tell stories that are short and sweet because the mind of a Wall Street man is always moving so rapidly and focusing on so many different things that his attention span for social stories is very short."

Finally, if you really want to seal the deal with this mythological figure, you may need to quit your job. "Wall Street men tend to be attracted to women who are in industries other than Wall Street," adds Daniels. "This does not mean that if you work on Wall Street, you won't end up with a Wall Street man, however his eye tends to be looking towards non-Wall Street women." In other words, just become a Geisha.

Copyright © 2012 Yahoo Inc.

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