My answer would have been an unequivocal yes...5 years ago. (That's right famous, rich, sexy, musical savants: you could have had me!) But between Brett Michaels' close encounters with herpes on "Rock of Love," and 90 percent of the cast of "Celebrity Rehab" it's becoming a tougher sell.
Relentless groupies, incurable addictions to as-yet-uncategorized drugs, and an opportunity to turn your nether regions into a petrie dish of STDs? Is that really what it's like to be a rock star's wife? All that and more, we learned last night on the premiere of the new E! reality show "Married to Rock."
The four women betrothed to bandmates from Jane's Addiction, Guns N Roses, The Cult, and Billy Idol's group (that one's really pushing it) offer a window into the pros and cons of a husband who shreds.
- Maternity leave is a lot easier. Susan Holmes, wife of GnR's Duff McKagen, was a model before she got pregnant and had to rethink her career. That took all of two seconds. "I started my own swimwear line," she says, all chipper like. Having an army of loyal female fans devoted to her husband can't hurt when it comes to hawking a product. A link to her wares on the Velvet Revolver website will guarantee a sold out shipment of thong bikinis.
- You get your own show. Odds are these four women weren't bombarded with mainstream media offers before they hooked up with their musical men.
- You get a record contract. If your husband has his own label, he better give you more than a three hour karaoke room for your birthday. Mrs. Farrell has launched her own recording career thanks to her hubby. Perry and Etty's song "Go All the Way" was on the "Twilight" soundtrack.
- You live the teenage dream. Farrell's wife gets an all-access pass to Lollapallooza plus 20. Just imagine your husband writing a song for you, and turning away from the 50,000 person audience to sing to you as you stand on the side of stage. (Who cares if that song's lyrics include "we'll make great pets") Know which 20 friends are getting invited to the concert? 10 Ex-boyfriends and 10 high school arch-rivals.
- People assume you're in an open relationship. On last night's episode, some "good friend" of Farrell's grabbed his wife, muttered through whiskey breath "I don't know what your situation is with your marriage" and then proceeded to force a kiss down Etty's throat. As if any wife of a rock star is a wife of his. Maybe it's because rockers seem to have won the lottery, the rest of us feel entitled to a fraction of the spoils. Unfortunately, their wives, actual human beings, are considered spoils by deluded hangers-on.
- Your husband also assumes you're in an open relationship. Perry didn't seem too miffed about his friend, explaining that he's just going through a hard time. "He needs some love, so give him so love," he joked to his wife. But was it a joke? Meanwhile, The Cult's girlfriend (not yet wife) seems to have resigned herself to the cult of rock star romance. Commitment, or lack thereof, she says, is the truest stereotype when it comes to their dynamic.
- Groupies don't really count: Steve Stevens' wife, Josie, who looks more like Amanda Lepore than Amanda Lepore at her Leporiest, explains that if you don't keep your husband satisfied on the road, groupies will. So apparently, the blame falls on the wife if a rock star cheats. That means spending thousands of dollars on porny lingerie and thousands of hours on skype showing off that porny lingerie while your husband looks on from his iPad on his groupie-loving tour-bus. Sounds like a lot more time in the home office than in the bedroom.
- You have to dress the part. It's not enough to adorn the outside of your body, you've got to dress it up from the inside: Josie sports a pair of double G's and lips that mother nature intended for a duck-billed platypus. "I know I look like a bimbo," she states. "But I'm not quite as stupid as I look." So looking stupid was her choice? All of the women have blond extensions that fall down around their upper-butts which probably gets in their food a lot. And for the most part, their fabric of choice is pleather. I don't even want to know the sounds and smells their skin emits when they're undressing at the end of the day. Here's a band name: full body yeast infection.
- Your man also dresses the part: That silver lamé jumpsuit in the closet? That's his. While I almost put this in the pro section, (have you seen Perry Farrell in a jumpsuit?) after careful consideration I figure it's kind of a problem. It's a lot of pressure to compete with a man who special orders his clothing from a Saudi Arabian Sheik's tailor. And say you want to wear a pair of Gap Jeans and a tank top for lunch with the kids at Applebees? You're going to end up getting mistaken for the nanny. Or he's going to get mistaken for your kid's imaginary friend. And consider family holidays, funerals, weddings, black tie events. They all require the same sit-down talk entitled "I've map-quested Men's Warehouse."