Readers and Cosmo staffers submitted their goofy and hilarious messages from the mothership. Here, a few of our favorites...
By Jessica Knoll
You can always count on Mom for a little TMI and an honest reaction to your new bangs. And now that she's got her e-mail account up and running, she's in touch 24/7. Gmail just wouldn't be the same without you, Mom.
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Subject: Protect yourself
Thank God you are not traveling this week! You need to talk to your manager about masks. They should be looking out for employees. They should supply them. This virus is attacking young, healthy people. The concern is that it will mix with other viruses and become more dangerous. Refrain from large groups of people or if you can't, wear a mask. It's not about looking good. It's about being smart!
I love you.
Subject: Just a thought
Don't think I'm being nosy, but after meeting Dan the other night I wondered how you're going to deal with explaining your "false advertisement" when the time comes? (You know - your padded bra!) I know you roll your eyes when I say this, but you have a BEAUTIFUL body and you should accept it and love you for YOU. Then you wouldn't find yourself in such an awkward position with your boyfriend! Call me tomorrow, Mom.
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Subject: Need your help
Please describe me. I am trying to write my Internet dating profile.
Subject: Before you leave next week...
I know you don't want to hear this from old mom, but PLEASE bring condoms on your trip (you can't trust foreign brands). Bring more than you think you need, you can't underestimate the fun you'll have on vacation!
I love you.
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Subject: Sick Kitty
Hi Kids - I wanted to give you an update on Annie's condition...
Annie was diagnosed with a hyper active thyroid. She's lost 3 lbs or 25% of her body weight in the last 60 days (jealous, Carrie? lol!). She's very boney and her fur has gotten very scrappy. Although we all agree that she was on the plump side she's gotten way too thin. She's scheduled for surgery next Friday to remove her thyroid and surrounding tumors which hopefully will restore her back to normal.
Your cards and gifts can be sent directly home. She'll be in the hospital for 5 days but they don't allow any personal items.
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DON'T MIX ALCOHOL WITH YOUR ANTIBIOTICS. XOXO Mom.
Subject: Where's My Daughter??
Hey - We haven't heard from you for a while - and I saw on the news that there's bad weather in your area. Remember not to talk on the phone during thunderstorms (you'll get zzzzzapped! Ha!) or carry an umbrella - better wet than electrocuted! Other than that, how's it going? Any big plans for the long weekend? Your dad and I will have dinner with friends and hopefully golf on Sunday. Your Brother is in the dog house - overdrew his account with $100 in service fees and still NO JOB or even job prospects - the boy is LAZY!!! He was my favorite when you kids were younger but no longer! We had to replace the upstairs AC (bummer) along with a motor on the Furnace (double bummer) - the joys of home ownership. Anyway, give us a call this weekend - love, Mom
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I stopped by to see your boyfriend yesterday and talk about that girl Nicole, who he says you are "crazy jealous" of. On several occasions he has told me that when he's honest with you and tells you that she has stopped in that you always ask "What's she doing there?" and "Why is she there?" and get upset over it. He says he's honest about telling you when she comes in because he figures you're gonna hear about it anyway.
Perhaps he WANTS you to be jealous of him so that it proves to him that you really care for him, (which means he is really insecure about you and feels threatened by other men/all men). The only way to fix that is for him to learn to trust you. All he wants is what ALL people want, which is 2 love & be loved. Enough words of wisdom from your mother! gtg, Mom
To read more crazy messages from moms (like, "If you see a frozen baby, don't give up!"), check out Postcards From Yo Momma.
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