I'm a monogamous creature by nature. One is the number of failed marriages under my belt. Ten is the number of years I was with the "was-band." Three is the number of "real" relationships I've had since that time. Two is the amount of times I've been proposed to in the past couple of years. Eighteen months is the total combined amount of time I've ever spent in my adult life truly single. Three is the average number of men that I recommend women date at a time.
This past February I broke up with a perfectly lovely guy. He was a sweetheart and we had dated for seven months. He was of Lebanese descent and one of the nicest people I've ever met. However, 11 is the exact number of family members living in his home. He had no plan to end this arrangement. He felt that we were in a serious relationship leading to marriage. I did not. I broke up with him because he was shifting into proposal mode. As I said, I have been proposed to twice in the past few years. Each time I've had to say, you're awesome, but I don't see this happening.
It's only been a year since I decided that I even want to be married again and probably want children. Now I know for sure that I want a life partner.
One of the tenets that I reiterate to women when I teach dating classes is that a date is just a date. Dating multiple people at a time makes that clear. Dating does not mean sex. I am generally celibate and multi-dating when I'm not in a relationship. Multi-dating is dating more than one person at a time.
Sex can cloud your judgment when all of those feel good chemicals flood your bodies. Do what works for you but if you are looking for your life partner I do not recommend you having multiple sex partners. Put it this way: If you had diamonds in your pocket, would you be giving them out on every date? I think not. There is nothing casual about sex.
Until you are in a monogamous committed relationship you should not be dating only one man. I call that putting all of your eggs in one man's basket. To be clear, this is not about keeping one eye over your shoulder to see if someone better is coming along. That's not fair to anyone. If you're doing that, you may be a commitment phobe. I was. It's also not about being sexually manipulative.
Think of non-monogamous dating as a basketball game. When one man is in the game you need at least two on the bench. Things happen, right? When I really like someone, I temporarily turn into a giddy, unrecognizable, hot mess. If you are dating only one person pre-relationship, you might be putting too much pressure on the situation. Love monogamously and date promiscuously. To reiterate, dating is not sex.
In this game of dating musical chairs, when you like someone and they like you the music stops. Then you begin your journey toward having an awesome life together. When you're in, you should be all in. If you're monogamous by nature you will have to force yourself to date more than one person but, trust me! It's the healthiest approach.
Someone told me recently that he had a six month statute of limitations window to see whether someone is "the one." That's way too long to decide whether you really like someone. If you're dating someone for 6 months and don't know whether you want to be monogamous with them then you are probably trying to convince yourself of something. When you meet "the one" you want the next part of your life to begin. On the other hand, I am not saying you should meet and marry someone within six months.
Multi-dating allows you to become more clear about what you want. Comparing folks is inevitable and positive when you're single. Most importantly, multi-dating reminds you that dating should be fun.
Always be clear and honest with the people that you are dating. Never insinuate that you are dating only one person if you aren't. "Don't ask, don't tell" is a lie. If someone you see a future with wants to be monogamous with you, this should be made clear. If you agree, everyone else should be cut off, effective immediately.
It's not a competition about the best man winning. It's about the best woman winning - you! In fact, when it's right, you both win.
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