Eight years ago, just a few weeks before Thanksgiving time, I remember getting a phone call from one of my nephews. While I saw him often, I did not regularly get phone calls from him. We chatted briefly, but soon he got to the heart of the call. "Aunt Tina, the reason I'm calling is I wanted you to hear this directly from me." There was a slight pause, not quite a hesitation, and then he just said it. "I'm Gay. I wanted to tell you myself. I also wanted to tell you because at Thanksgiving time I'm going to be bringing my friend."
My initial reaction was not shock but concern. I was worried about him. Would he be treated fairly? Would he be able to handle any sort of discrimination? Would he be treated the same as anyone else at work after he graduated and got a job? Would he be bullied? And then my more immediate realization was do I tell my three daughters? We would all be together in a few weeks for Thanksgiving. Knowing he was going to bring a friend could raise questions. Would it be better not to say anything to my children? Or would it be best to tell them?
While I am conservative in many ways, I realize in my 20 years as a parent that I am quite liberal when it comes to discussions about relationships. This is one area I'd rather be frank about with my children, and maybe especially because they are girls. I don't want to leave room for question. Knowledge is definitely power in the case of this subject. So while I did deliberate for a few seconds about whether I should say anything to them, I chose to be upfront and not gloss over the subject. I told them flat out.
At the time my three girls were 12, 9, and 6 years of age. I could have told them one by one, appropriate for their age. But my thinking at the time was that if I tell them all together it might elicit a conversation that they should all be part of. My 9 and 6 year old were mature for their ages, especially the 6 year old. Plus the conversation did not have to be explicit, it really centered on how and why two people LOVE each other.
I asked them if they knew what it means to be gay. My 12 year old had some inkling, but it wasn't something that came up other than kids using that word at school as in, "That's so gay." I told them that unlike our family some consist of just a single parent, either a mom or a dad. Or that some couples are same-sex couples. I told them that some relationships consist of 2 women or 2 men. At their age all it meant was that some families consist of 2 moms or 2 dads. It was an open discussion and they were slightly curious but not fazed.
Then I told them that their cousin, who we would be seeing at Thanksgiving time, is gay. That he would be bringing a friend, a boyfriend, to Thanksgiving dinner. I also told them that our longtime friends who we saw that summer, I'll call them Sally and June but that's not their real names, are gay. Sally and June have a son that is the same age as my oldest daughter.
I waited for questions, any questions at all. Between the 3 of them, the conversation went like this:
Them: "So you mean our cousin, he's gay? He's got a boyfriend?"
Me: "Yes."
Them: "Will they get married?"
Me: "I don't know. Most people wait until they know each other a while before stepping into marriage. I want you all to wait and really get to know someone before you get married."
Them: "Where did they meet?"
Me: "I think at school."
Them: "What's his name?"
Me: "Oh, I don't know, I forgot to ask."
Them: "That's too bad, what are we going to call him when we see him?"
Me: "We'll ask his name when we meet him."
Them: "Can they have kids?"
Me: "I think that's a long way from now. But if they want to have kids they can adopt."
Them: "Oh, that's good."
Me: "Do you have any questions about what it means to be gay?"
Them: "So Sally and June are gay? I always thought one was an aunt and the other was a mom. That's interesting."
Me: "Does that change how you feel about Sally and June? Or your cousin?"
Them: "No."
And that was it. End of discussion. It wasn't a big deal, and it wasn't mind boggling. Kids get it. Kids are accepting and non-judgmental. I think especially when you are accepting of things like this yourself. Any worry I had about what it means to be gay to a child were overlooked by one simple thing in their mind. If two people love each other, that's all that matters.
I do have to mention this as a point of reference. In my own family I am Asian and my husband is Caucasian. While this seems like a non-issue these days, it wasn't always the case. Bi-racial marriages, especially between African-Americans and White-Americans, was controversial just a mere 50 years ago. The case of Mildred and Richard Loving (Loving vs. Virginia), elicited such public debate and outcry. It took almost 10 years for the Supreme Court to rule in favor of interracial marriage. That was in 1967.
Does anyone else see the irony that their last name is Loving? And when it comes to relationships, isn't whether two people LOVE and RESPECT each other all that really matters?
Tina Case is a professional photographer. Check out her work where she focuses on the HEART of the subject. She's also a proud Yahoo! Shine Parenting Guru and a Yahoo! Shine Get-It-Guide Guru.
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