by Charlotte Hilton Andersen, REDBOOK
We've all been on first playdates that were awkward, stilted or ended with someone stuck up inside a McDonald's playland for 30 minutes trying to talk down a terrified toddler and being suffocated by the pee smell. First dates can be fraught but at least then you're only putting yourself in danger of heartbreak. First playdates on the other hand brings all the weirdness of relative strangers, intimate details and bodily fluids together but with the added bonus of children. To help you get from that first meet-and-greet (Do I program her number into my phone or will that seem stalkerish?) to the comfort of having a tight circle of mommy friends, here are Ten Things You Should Never Say on a Playdate
1. "He looks nothing like you." Maybe my husband slept with the mailman! (Also not good: adding on "Is he adopted?")
2. "Her name sure is, um, different!" Birth certificate is already signed and filed so you'd best just get used to it. At least when I yell her name 8 different kids don't come running.
3. "You guys didn't get invited to little Bethie's birthday party?" Uncomfortable silence says no. Especially since you just asked that in front of my kid.
4. "I know you said Lexi is allergic, but the cookies wouldn't have been the same without peanut butter." That's ok, all the times her lips swell saves us on costly kiddie-collagen injections.
5. "I swear there were 10 marbles in this game when we started." And Susie's nose looks strangely distended...
6. "My husband and I have sex five times a week." Well I told my husband that the OBGYN said we had to wait 6 years instead of 6 weeks after I delivered so we're good, thanks.
7. "I think it's really great you're able to just let the housecleaning go and not worry about clutter!" And I think it's really super great you have no filter between your mind and your mouth!
8. "My cousin's kid does that same thing all the time and he's autistic." I'm sorry, you'll have to wait until the third date before you are allowed to diagnose my kid.
9. "Johnny had some loose stools this morning so I just put him back in a diaper for the day." Nothing says new besties like sharing intestinal bacteria!
10. "Are your kids vaccinated?" Wait a sec while I grab the boxing gloves out of the dress-up box. Round 2 can be circumcision.
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Charlotte Hilton Andersen is the author of The Great Fitness Experiment: One Year of Trying Everything
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Reprinted with permission of Hearst Communications, Inc.