11 things my new daughter will not be wearing

So, I'm six and a half months pregnant with a real live kid, a girl, they tell me, due around the first of May. And, I'm to the point where I feel her kicking every day and every day I can't help but think: What will this little person be like? What will she look like? What clothes will she wear? The first two are a crap shoot, obviously, a lot of nature, maybe some nurture, but mostly out of my control. However, for the first couple of years at least, I will have complete say over her wardrobe. Which is a weird responsibility, when you think about it--I'll be dressing my own human doll!

To that end: Man, there's some scary-ugly crap out there for little girls. It's as if we actually want them to become miniature shopaholics, or spoiled rotten divas, or bratty princesses, or weight-obsessed vanity cases or any number of sad, uninteresting personality clichés that give females a bad name. That, or we'd like to see saucy little infants with fashion sense and sex appeal. I can't wrap my head around either. And some of this stuff makes me want to stab myself in the eye. Above, a slideshow of the very worst.