You know "Momisms," those phrases we turn to get a short reprieve, to conceal criticism, to maintain our sanity or simply because we have no clue what our child just said and we're trying to go with it? We've all used them, so I thought I'd give you a handy decoder to translate what we say --> what we REALLY mean.
Do not let this fall into the hands of your children or it'll ruin it for the rest of us!
1. Maybe --> Probably not
2. We'll see --> NEVER
3. Let's play the quiet game. --> Stop talking, my ears are bleeding.
4. I love the outfit you put together. --> Please spill something on it before we leave the house.
5. Where did you hear that? --> Your information is completely false.
6. One day you'll thank me. --> Hopefully, you'll forget this ever happened.
7. Can mommy have some privacy in the bathroom? --> Mommy needs a glass of wine.
8. Mommy needs a glass of wine. --> Mommy needs a shot of tequila.
9. Do you think that's a good idea? --> That's the worst idea EVER!
10. Uh-huh --> I have no earthly idea what you're talking about.
11. Wow, that's great sweetie! --> I still have no idea what you just said, but you sounded excited so I went with it.
12. Really? Really? --> WTF is wrong with you?
13. Because I said so --> I'm losing this battle and this is my last resort (or I'm tired of explaining stuff).
14. You are the best --> Millennium mom speak meaning anything from you really are the best to you are thoroughly average.
15. Just a sec. or In a minute --> I'm not stopping what I'm doing or moving from this position until you scream for me again.
16. Your forehead is as cold as ice. --> Get up, Get dressed, Get the f*&^ to school.
17. Go ask Dad --> His turn to be the bad guy ... mwa-ha-ha-ha.
18. The dog loves you the most. --> I will guilt you into feeding/walking that dog.
19. Yes, you do sound like Beyonce. --> Please let my child have other talents.
20. I love you --> There is nothing on Earth I could love more!
OK, print this and keep it in your purse for a quick reference. In case you wanna say something and don't know quite how to put it.
I know you have some doozies ... what are your favorite Momisms?
Jenny Isenman AKA Jenny From the Blog is the humorist behind The Suburban Jungle.com. Twelve years ago she answered this ad: "Seeking highly motivated person, who requires little sleep, to cook, clean, wipe tushies, noses, and countertops… oh, and provide occasional sex. Person will be overworked and under-appreciated. Prior experience is frowned upon. Always on duty. Will pay nothing." I mean, she got married and started a family.