Now that I'm past the whole gestatin' kids thing, my friends are all amping up to have their first babies. Having started younger than everyone I know, this isn't terribly surprising, but it does make for an interesting case study. My friends, of course, don't have any idea that I'm watching them gestate, taking notes and remembering those days not-so-fondly. I imagine if they did, they'd probably unfriend me.
(Probably a wise move on their end.)
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Here's my list of things I wished someone had gently bothered mentioning before I'd gotten knocked up.
1. People brag about getting knocked up on the first try. This is especially problematic when you're one of the lucky few (raises both hands) that doesn't.
2. Water can give you wicked heartburn.
3. Your growing belly will become public property. While it starts off as kinda cute, if you're one of those PERSONAL SPACE people, like me, it gets tiring.
4. Everyone wants to share their most horrifying birth stories -- especially if it's your first baby -- the moment you drop the "I'm knocked up" bomb. It's like they want to scare the crap out of you. Try and ignore them.
5. Your hormones are completely obnoxious. One night, as you're lying in bed, fetus kicking the crap out of your internal organs, you'll become obsessed with the idea of baby diapers and insist that your partner drag ass out of bed and go buy some.
6. Your liver can, in fact, be bruised by tiny baby feet. Feet that feel like bombs.
7. Your ass gets pregnant too.
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8. Your toenails will grow at a ridiculous pace. However, you will not be able to cut them on your own.
9. Personal grooming will go from being well-put together to *sniff, sniff* GOOD ENOUGH.
10. If you have more than one child and are obviously pregnant, people will point out that "you're going to be busy." Restrain yourself from punching them. Mama doesn't need to go into labor in jail.
11. Everything will annoy you. This includes air, gravity, and everyone you've ever met.
12. You will obsess about going into labor 24/7 even though you know nothing feels like labor except, um, LABOR.
13. During the last weeks, take your phone off the hook and go offline. Because the constant bombardment of "HAVE YOU HAD THAT BABY YET?" will make you want to stab everyone in the eyeballs.
14. Unfortunately, not all pregnancies end in a happy birth. If you're in that group (raises both hands), please let me say how incredibly sorry I am.
15. You will realize how few things pregnant women can eat. Mostly because you'll begin craving them.
16. You may start lactating well before there's an actual baby. It's a good party trick (assuming you're still lively enough to party).
17. Your maternity underwear can be used as a sail for a boat. But only in an emergency.
18. Anyone who takes your super-secret baby name will become your mortal enemy.
19. Dessert will become a meal.
20. Pregnancy IS magical, but don't trust anyone who doesn't mention that parts of it suck. Hard.
What do YOU wish someone had told you about being pregnant?
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