Recently I wrote about Move-a-Body-Friends. You know, those people you would do anything for, like say, move a body? Since that's a metaphor (sorta), I thought I'd make a list of things I would actually do (and in most cases already have) for my nearest and dearest. I think most women I know would, and that's why the fairer sex is kinda awesome!
1. Be designated driver on a girls night out because I know you need a glass of wine (or shot of vodka) more than I do, and trust me, I need one.
2. Hold your hair if you're throwing up in a club, which probably wouldn't happen because we're so, not that cool anymore.
3. Call your parents/children/husband to have an intervention if you get hooked on Meth, Crack, or One Direction.
4. Pretend I need you to fix my bra strap to save you from a tedious conversation with a boring mom at the playground or that annoying guy at Starbucks.
5. Despise someone I barely know because of something they've done to you, and then treat them kindly if you decide to forgive them.
6. Say, "That skirt/dress/jumpsuit makes your butt look big," when that skirt/dress/jumpsuit actually makes your butt look big.
7. Explain that jumpsuits only look good on Rihanna and Rachel Zoe - and encourage you to stop wearing them.
8. Watch your kids when you need to go to the doctor, have a night out, do errands, or simply take a long shower.
9. Alert you when you need said shower.
10. Bring you tampons, diapers, or my prescription for cramps at one in the morning, or at the very least hang a bag with those items on my door.
11. Rehash the time you or I got dumped/embarassed/balled-out/hurt… because there's a really funny private joke in there that always makes us laugh.
12. Never mention the time you or I, got dumped/embarrassed/balled-out/hurt… because we both know how painful that was and besides, no good jokes came out of it.
13. Pluck your eyebrows, bleach your mustache, and shave your legs if you had surgery.
14. Apply ointments to areas that are unappealing and unfortunately unreachable by you.
15. Be at your house in seconds flat at 4AM, and allow your dog to maul me, so that you can take a trip to the emergency room.
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16. Eat your cooking and love it, no matter how it tastes, because I know cooking is a bitch. Frankly, no one should critique anyone who takes the time to do it, no one!
17. Jump in a pool wearing a silk dress on your birthday because you did. Whether you were reclaiming your youth or just super drunk - I wouldn't let you float around alone.
18. Go with you to meet a doctor about Botox, fillers, lasers, boob lifts, tummy tucks etc… and tell you, even though you don't need it, that I'd never judge. (What? I'll want you to come with me.)
19. Say, "I love you" with the same sincerity with which I say it to my husband, maybe more.
20. And yes, move a body for you … no questions few questions asked.
Feel free to send this to your "Besties," as an "I Love You," but be warned, you may be held accountable for doing any or all of the above.
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Jenny Isenman AKA Jenny From the Blog is the humorist behind The Suburban Jungle.com. Twelve years ago she answered this ad: "Seeking highly motivated person, who requires little sleep, to cook, clean, wipe tushies, noses, and countertops… oh, and provide occasional sex. Person will be overworked and under-appreciated. Prior experience is frowned upon. Always on duty. Will pay nothing." I mean, she got married and started a family.