1. Averting Anger
Avoid tantrums by identifying circumstances that put your child in an irritable state. Common tantrum triggers include fatigue, lack of attention and unpredictable situations. Prepare your child for situations that are likely to trigger tantrums. Say, "We're going to be out late and you may feel tired. When you start feeling tired, ride in your stroller and have some juice or a snack." Prior to phone calls or other events, that takes attention from your child, pull out some fun activities for your child and tell him that you'll be busy for a few minutes. Remind him that you'll do something fun together when you're finished. Give positive reinforcement for good behavior during activities likely to produce tantrums.
2. Coping With a Child Who Can't Cope
The holding strategy frequently works best for young children without verbal skills. Hold your child and say, "You're mad right now and you're doing things that aren't safe. I'm holding you until you're okay." Verbal toddlers may get too angry to use words. Remind them to use their words instead of their hands. If they still can't verbalize, then model for them by saying, "You're angry because you can't have a cookie and you really want one." Provide older children with positive messages, such as, "I expect you to stay seated while in the restaurant."
3. Toddler Time-Out
Use time-out when tantrums don't respond to other interventions, such as warnings or efforts to calm the child. Do time-outs in designated locations. Carry a mat to create a time-out away from home. Place your child in time-out and briefly explain why she's there. Match the length of time-out to your child's age (i.e., three minutes for a three-year old). If your child moves from time-out, put her back without saying anything. Don't talk to your child until the time-out is complete. If you're in a public location, return to your car or find a discrete location.
4. Parenting With a Poker Face
If you're going to survive a toddler tantrum then you have to find your poker face. Tantrums elicit feelings of anger, embarrassment and failure. Public tantrums make these feelings even more pronounced. Even though you feel all eyes upon you, don't show your stress and don't take it personally. Instead, remain calm and use a calm voice. Model the behavior you want your child to use. This is especially important if you suspect that your child is throwing a tantrum to get attention.
5. Tantrum Debrief
Look at tantrums as learning opportunities for you and your child. Once the tantrum is over, and your child is calm, it's time to debrief. Discuss the chain of events that occurred and each of the resulting behaviors. Talk to your child about what he could have done differently at each juncture. Role-play the situation again. Thank your child for working through the problem with you and end with a hug and "I love you."
About this Author
Mary Dyer has 10 years experience in grant writing, research, evaluation and motivational interviewing for various development programs, including the National Institute for Drug Addiction (NIDA) Clinical Trials Network and Kaiser Permanente Center for Health Research. She is an avid walker and swimmer.
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