Will somebody get this mama a Stache Guard?My son was up all night. Why is still a mystery to me, as usually that kid sleeps a solid eleven hours without switching positions, but last night, perhaps sensing that I needed to be extra alert to celebrate his birthday, he decided to howl every half an hour until 5 a.m. As a result, I had some not-that-smart thoughts as I was walking home from dropping him off at day care. For example: I wish I could walk and sleep at the same time.
No, really. I mean, I walk a lot. I don't sleep nearly enough. What if I could just take the nap on my way home? Why hasn't anyone invented something for that?
Queue full on sleep-deprivation brainstorm, and the 6 things that would make my experience of motherhood a whole lot easier:
- The Naperciser-Robot that moves my limbs AND knows how to cross the street safely, making it possible for me to jog home while I snooze.
- The English Speaker-Tiny button behind my left ear that, when squeezed, says totally nice, coherent, and appropriate things to my well-meaning, well-rested neighbors.
- The Stache Guard-Electronic fence around my door that senses when my facial hair has gone too far and takes care of it, mosquito zapper style.
- Self-Cleaning Fridge-Tosses out old food and sends it to compost which fertilizes crops that feed needy orphans.
- Pedi-cure-all-Unique system that takes care of my most hated chores every time I get a pedicure, reward proportionate to reward. Got the no frills groomer? The laundry is done! Got the the paraffin jobby with the chocolate mango toe treat? The taxes are done.
- Face Replacer-What happens to Jane in 0:39 of this video. Technically, it's not my idea, but I've been dreaming about it since the 1980s, and I'd really like someone to make it a reality, if that's not too much trouble.
Okay, so what did I miss? Anything you all would like to add to the list? Add 'em.