I swear I've read, and written (!), a hundred of these "real deal" spiels about pregnancy and birth but this one over at Jezebel by Sarah Tuttle-Singer is definitely worth a gander. I'm tired this morning and weak in the brain, but I'm pretty sure it's one of the funniest bullet point descriptions of pregnancy and birth I've read.
I'm not sure what I like best: the shout out to the orgasmic, pornographic second trimester dreams (Rebecca and I actually wrote about these in our book, but no one else talks about them and they are awesome!); or the unspoken rivalry between women who want to know the sex of their babies and the "idiots women who don't;" or the fact that when you pass your mucous "plug," it looks rather like a "giant loogie" came out of your vagina.
Here some highlights:
From the First Trimester:
- Unless you're upfront about being knocked up, people will assume you had a boob job.
- Hormones are no joke, and should be a valid defense if you cut the b---- who took your parking space in front of Krispy Kreme. (Wadup, Judge Feldman.)
- There's an unspoken rivalry between women who puke and bitches women who don't.
From the Second Trimester
- You'll spend at least 20 minutes a day looking at your profile in any full-length reflective surface you can find. You will celebrate when your belly"pops." But really, you still just look bloated.
- The hormone defense should still hold water when your partner brings the wrong kind of ice cream home from the supermarket. And you cut him or her.
- You will have crazy-intense dreams. And not flying-with-unicorns-over-rainbows-in-outerspace-dreams. Unless you're into that sort of thing. In other words, you know how 14 year old boys have to change their sheets every morning? Well, you will too. And you'll love it.
MORE ON BABBLE:
10 Facts About Pregnancy No One Tells You
Top Questions to Ask Your OB/GYN or Midwife
10 Things You Must Know About Your Pelvic Floor
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