The 8 Parenting Jobs I Wish I Could Outsource

By Charlotte Hilton Andersen, REDBOOK

Anyone who thinks taking candy from a baby is the epitome of cruel hasn't tried taking their binky away. After a proper shaming from my kids' dentist, I decided that the time has come to wean my 24-month-old off her binky before she gets too attached to it. News flash: too late! The look she gave me when I took her binkies and put them in a box on a high shelf will haunt me forever. It was like that moment when the Gremlins change from adorable bug-eyed critters to fanged flesh-eating monsters. All of a sudden I wanted someone-anyone-else to do this job. I briefly considered hiring a nanny for one week to be in charge of handling the Great Binky Depression. Then it occurred to me there are a few other parenting jobs I'd love to outsource. (Yeah, yeah I know it's good for me-I'm not really going to do it-I'm just saying it would be nice.)

1. Potty training. This is the bane of my existence. Even after four kids I haven't figured out how to do this without tears and accidents (on both sides).

2. Sleep training. Oh I'm not talking about when they're infants-it's oddly easy for me to let them cry it out (not sure what that says about me)-but getting my preschooler to stay in bed is like playing the least fun game of Whack-a-Mole ever.

3. Chuck E. Cheese birthday parties. Those animatronic characters were creepy when I was a kid, and they're still creepy now. Also, I once had a kid get stuck inside the basketball game. Instant migraine.

4. Shots. Nothing says awesome parenting moment like having to hold your sweet baby down while someone sticks them with needles so that your face is the one they learn to associate with pain.

5. Diaper cream application. This stuff is awesome because it makes your baby's butt impervious to moisture. Unfortunately it works the same on the finger you use to apply it. How do you wash that stuff off?

6. Pink eye. As if the contagiousness and green eye gunk isn't bad enough, you have to administer the eye drops every two to three hours-a feat which can only be done by sitting on your screaming child, holding their head still with one hand and prying their eye open with the other, leaving you with your teeth to hold the eye dropper.

7. Tooth pulling. Just thinking about that moment when my son's tooth was mostly loose but still attached by one strangely strong piece of flesh makes me do the heebie-jeebie dance. He begged me to pull it. Couldn't do it.

8. Cub scouts Pinewood Derby cars. It's fun whittling and all but since I'm the one doing most of the work, I feel doubly bad when his car loses. Every year.

What's the one parenting job you wish you could outsource?

Charlotte Hilton Andersen is a mom of 5 and the author of the book The Great Fitness Experiment: One Year of Trying Everything and the blog of the same name.

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