1. Picture Pages Pen (1980s)
Oh, the rich, sweet music Mortimer could make! When the mailman brought us the pen that would change our life forever, we tore into the package, ready to make our drawings come to musical life - only to discover our "Mortimer" did not create a symphony of sound at our doodlings, but merely went "BEEP BOOP" every time we touched the felt tip. BEEP BOOP?! This is what we got for $23.95? (NOTE: $23.95 adjusted for 2009 dollars = $7,000).
2. Cool Toys Work Bench (1992)
All kids want to be handy like Daddy. You might think you can actually build something with this tiny work set, but the only thing you'll be building is a life of disappointment.
Related: Care Bears, Mr. Potato Head and 18 other toys still in our rooms
3. Robotix (1985)
Man, wouldn't it be awesome to own a robot dinosaur you could ride? That's what this commercial suggests. Imagine terrorizing the playground with this bone crushing, fire-barfing, prehistoric-futuristic machine. Oh, you can't ride it? It's actually quite small? Never mind then.
4. Knight Rider (1982)
"This car can even do things K.I.T.T. can't do," Hasselhoff boasts. Oooh, burn! Stick that up your tailpipe and smoke it, artificially intelligent car. But what "things"? The Hoff is confoundingly reticent on that front. I'll take a guess: Not suck like the new Knight Rider show? Hmmm, probably not.
Related: Go Play! The best kids toys for 2011
5. Photon Laser Tag Set (1986)
Dude, how cool would it be to shoot fat, red laser beams at your dog? Too bad this thing isn't actually a laser, but works like a remote control, which means it doesn't do anything when you shoot. You have no idea where your shots land, so you're basically pantomiming having fun.
6. Dukes of Hazzard Race Set (1981)
Yes, electric stock car racing - with a jump? Good luck keeping those cars on the track. Go ahead kid, continue putting the car back on the track after every time it crashes, telling yourself, "This time it will work." That's the kind of wrongheaded persistence in the face of certain and perpetual defeat you'll need in the future when trying to find a job with your liberal arts degree.
Related: Are "As Seen on TV" products worth it?
7. Nerf Mad Hornet (1997)
Supposedly, you could actually hurt other kids with the sheer velocity of this gun's little nerf darts. A troubling selling point, but fortunately a lie. I mean, c'mon, you couldn't hurt somebody with a nerf dart if you launched it from a particle accelerator.
For 11 more outrageous toy commercials, visit Babble!
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