It's no secret that I am fan of some really god-awful pop music. I've shamelessly danced in the car to a Selena Gomez song. I find that blasting "Party in the U.S.A." makes cleaning a toilet much less of a chore. I volunteered to take my son and his friend to see that one girl from "iCarly" on her singing sensation tour. I even cried in the Justin Bieber movie.
My tolerance is remarkably high for terrible lyrics about first love, drum machines, and dance moves every kid in America will try to replicate at prom. Or at least I thought so until I heard "Friday" by Rebecca Black. Not only is this song cringe-worthy, it is a mind-worm that will get in your head and stay there until...well, next Friday.
This adorable teen girl doesn't walk into a public bathroom without her shoes or take a huge hit off an "herbal" bong or wear something that would make her mother's eyes fall out of her head. But what she does here is sing a song that is worse than a 15-year-old's diary -- it's a list of each move she makes between her front door and the street. There's no creative rhyming, no complex harmony, or even a tune that you can cling to justify continuing to listen.
Just "Friday Friday Friday" over and over and neck-stabbingly over. Followed by "partying partying partying". And wrapped up with some sort of strange recitation of the days of the week.
And just when that seems tortuous enough, the video plays. You know the video -- the one that has a squintillion hits on YouTube. The one where Rebecca Black debates about which seat to sit in with a car full of friends, then chooses to squeeze in the back of the convertible and ride down the highway. WITHOUT A SEATBELT. I'm not sure why that made me shudder more than the video of High Miley, but it did.
Is this heinous video presentation or the nails-on-chalkboard song to be blamed on Rebecca Black? Of course not. Black's mother paid Ark Music Factory $2,000 to produce the vanity video for her daughter's song. The Los Angeles-based company apparently puts together a pop song and video and places it on the interwebs in hopes of launching a rising star, Bieb style. Oh yeah, and to make buckets of cash.
Ark Music Factory's Clarence Jey and Patrice Wilson have recently responded to bad press about their strategy of profiting from teens who want to be famous, including Rebecca Black. Watch three minutes of this Ark Music Factory launch party, where bright-eyed, hair-curled, sweet tween girls squeak out songs with lyrics like "I've got my girl swag on" and you will understand the criticism.
Jey went so far as to email the Daily Beast to say Rebecca Black is "an amazing singer with a unique tone and a fantastic fun person." While this may be true, I wonder why no one told that fantastic, fun, and clearly impressionable person that the song was horrendously ear-bleeding, that the video isn't boosting her budding brand. Not Jey. Not Wilson. Not her mother with the checkbook.
Not even in your own horrible video.
Just so I'm not the only one with the teen-bopper mind-worm, here's Rebecca Black's video.
And here's Conan's perfectly adult parody.
Finally, to Rebecca, I say. Sorry, kiddo. Seriously, you can write better songs on the sidelines of gym class dodgeball. Hopefully. Also, for the love of the world we live in,never, ever ride on the top of a seat in a convertible with no seatbelt on.
What's your parental advice for the girl who sings "Friday"?