The Great Mom Debate: How to Deal with Tantrums (New Research Has Answers!)
By Charlotte Hilton Andersen, REDBOOK
Ha! In what is probably the first instance of this ever, science has proved me right and Dr. Phil wrong. First, I have to say this: "I told you so!!" This week intrepid scientists from the University of Minnesota published a study in the journal Emotion in which they had studied the tantrum patterns of young children. Just having the sympathy of someone who is contractually obligated to listen to my kids scream would have been good enough, but the scientists took it a step further and used their findings to offer - what else? - parenting advice. Specifically, they tell parents the one thing I want for Christmas more than my 20-year-old body back: how to end a tantrum quickly.
We've all been there, in some public space where acting like a zoo animal is generally frowned upon (weirdly, that also includes the zoo), when your child loses their nut over something like a shoe lace they can't tie or a sucker they can't have. Screaming, crying, throwing their little bodies on the floor, and other histrionics soon have every person's eye on you. Your heart is pounding and you feel your own anger rising. So what do you do next?
According to Dr. Michael Potegal, the lead researcher, "The trick in getting a tantrum to end as soon as possible was to get the child past the peaks of anger. Once the child was past being angry, what was left was sadness, and sad children reach out for comfort. The quickest way past the anger was to do nothing. "
Back when I first became a parent, the venerable Dr. Phil popularized the advice to immediately remove the child from the situation. "If you're in the grocery store and you have to leave a full cart to take them out, then do it!" Mothers around the nation nodded their heads in agreement. I might have thrown something at the TV. First, my kid very often threw a fit because he wanted out of the grocery store/church/the Nirvana Memorial (hush), and wouldn't giving him what he wanted only encourage more fits? But more importantly, I'd noticed that if I ignored my child, the tantrum ended a lot sooner and I didn't have to redo all my grocery shopping. And so in the following decade that's what I've done. I've stood by, and as long as they aren't pulling things off shelves or kicking strangers, I ignore them. Even when people glare at me (I'm good at ignoring them too, it turns out).
Of course the huge downside to this is that it works better if other people understand, which they rarely do. It is, of course, more comfortable for them if I immediately remove my child or give him the sucker, even though this is not what's best for the child or for me. And I'm a people pleaser: I hate being at odds with society.
What has your experience been like? Help me out and let me know what you think:
- I always take my child out. It's common respect
- It depends on the situation. (Church, yes. Grocery store, no.)
- I ignore them and remind myself this is just a phase.
- I have some other technique I'll share in the comments!
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