Heart-Shaped Stupid: The Worst Valentine’s Day Gifts for Your Baby Mama

Love is backWell, it's that time of year again.

Coldness. Darkness.

Silence.

Boredom. Illness.

Frozen barren landscapes.

Sadness.

You got it! It's time to celebrate love!

Yep, Valentine's Day is here! A day unlike any other; a day devoted to spending money on the people we love the most (who are already the people we spend all of our money on anyways). Still, the Hallmark family has to have their Zillion Dollar Day, so we might as well just get on with it.

As a father and a husband, I want to let my wife, my Baby Mama, know that I appreciate her. And so, every years in the weeks leading up to today, I tried to let my imagination climb the high peaks of possibility and conjure up wonderfully original gifts that I could give her to celebrate our eternal bond.

Unfortunately, I have fallen on my face nearly every single year. So this year, instead of putting all of my Mega-Valentine Energy towards disappointing my wife, I've decide to step outside the box, and help other guys like me actually get it right.


Heart-Shaped Steak
1. Heart-Shaped Steak
Don't be this guy. Sure, to some folks nothing says 'I love you' like a special Valentine cut porterhouse. But chances are that person isn't the one who shares this life with you. If you have to buy this, I totally understand. Just stick it in the freezer for yourself for another day.

Related: 8 things dads want for Valentine's Day but are too afraid to ask for


Love is Back
2. Love Is Back
Putting Baby Mama's name in ink is sorta cliche at this point, huh? Tons of fellows have the name of that special someone, or that special ex-someone, living forever down next to Bart Simpson on their calf. So, when you decide to take it up a notch or two, and nail something even more original to knock her socks off (and maybe more!) when you come home Valentine's night, just remember I warned you that you are going to freak her out. And not in a good way.


The New Spice/The Wrong Spice
3. The New Spice/The Wrong Spice
So-called experts claim that monogamous couples need to find new and exciting ways to liven things up in the sack. And they're probably right. I mean, it doesn't necessarily take a skeevy Dr. Phil to shine a little light on the fact that physical romance ebbs and flows with time, right? Okay fine. But, please. When you are out there shopping around for that spicy little Valentine gift for the little lady, make sure it's something super right for the job. Otherwise you might end up in these with one of your buddies, as she points the revolver at you.

Related: 8 awesome X-and-O shaped foods for Valentine's Day


Wino Charm
4. Wino Charm
For a lot of wonderful Baby Mamas, there is nothing like a glass of wine at the end of the day to take the edge off the chaos of parenting. However, allow me to subtly inform you that there is a fine line between the delicate flower who enjoys a glass of Pinot Grigio or two and the type of wild sauce guzzler who needs a crocheted glass holder on a lanyard to make it through the night. Although, if you're looking for Christmas ideas for moi...


FaceBookFace
5. FaceBookFace
Perhaps your sweet gal enjoys her private time out in cyber space? Perhaps you notice that she really revels in her 'alone' time catching up on her favorite blogs and websites, watching YouTube videos of squirrels who water ski. Well, if that's the case, at first glance this little creation seems intriguing/warm/ and fuzzy. But then, reality kicks in, and you realize that unless your Baby Mama is hanging out in the rec room of a sanitarium, the giving of this gift to her this Valentine's day will likely haunt you for the rest of eternity.


A Royal Screw (Up)
6. A Royal Screw (Up)
On rare occasions, we cross paths with the sort of gag gifts that we, in the deepest crevices of our senses of humor, believe will both make our Baby Mama chuckle and feel a little frisky at the same time. Beware. This notion is completely false and fake and there is not even a drop of truth contained anywhere within its bird-brained conception (pun intended). Gifts like these "condoms of distinction" are called Gag Gifts for a reason. Plus, if they don't work: she might end up giving birth to a King or a Queen and how the heck are you going to afford that?

Related: Top 7 places dads don't want to hear your advice


Worth Your Weight in Love
7. Worth Your Weight In Love
Chocolates used to be pretty foolproof. There was a time when a box of bon-bon's was a one-way ticket to "At-Least-I-Didn't-Forget-Ville". But times have changed, man. So, something like this - a goofy chocolate gag involving her weight - although it might seem kind of funny, it's not. It's not funny at all. Trust me. You give her this and the cops are coming tonight.


The Cabelas Rule
8. The Cabelas Rule
There is nothing in Cabelas that your Baby Mama wants for Valentine's Day. There are things that you want her to want. But that is a much different thing and to confuse the two would simply be the tragedy of a simple fool.

- By Serge Bielanko

For 12 more of the worst Valentine's Day gifts for your baby mama, visit Babble!

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