Lessons Learned from a Silent Soccer Game

All of us likely have a few parenting goals in mind for 2012. One of mine is inspired by, of all things, a soccer game. My seven-year-old joined an AYSO (American Youth Soccer Organization) league this past fall, and she's been learning to play little by little. We brought her to the games in beautiful Central Park every Sunday, and rooted for her team like all the other parents.

The parents have a large presence during the games: they are the coaches, team managers, refs and spectators alike. They provide snacks during the game, and also plenty of vocal commentary and direction to the kids playing. Not knowing a thing about soccer, I kept pretty quiet. What could I possibly say from the sidelines that would be helpful? Yet as I listened to the others cheering and shouting bits of strategy, I wondered if maybe there was something I should be saying....

Which is why I was relieved and delighted when the league's Silent Soccer Weekend rolled around in mid- November. This is an AYSO tradition in our league and many others across the country. Parents and coaches are all expected to stay quiet throughout the game except when calling for substitutions. Here is an extended excerpt from our league commissioner's email on the subject:

Silent Soccer Weekend is one way for the league to encourage parents to let our kids play the game their way rather than the way we want them to play. It's an opportunity for coaches to notice how players learn from each other during the course of a game and appreciate all the subtle ways the game teaches. We expect coaches and parents to let our kids explore their potential by making their own choices on the field instead of being told what to do throughout a game. We want our players to be free to set their own level of competition rather than play to our expectations.

This is the essence of a child-centered sports philosophy. The best players in the world affirm that their early "street soccer" experiences were the foundation for becoming highly skilled and inventive players with a real love for the game. While our objective is not to create world class players, there are enormous benefits to giving children the opportunity to enjoy exploring the game's possibilities without the distraction of being micro-managed from the sidelines.

The American youth soccer system has recently recognized that over-coaching our young players stifles their creativity and development, which the international soccer community has been telling us for years. Silent Weekend is an opportunity for parents and coaches to learn that youth prefer to be stimulated, rather than instructed. A player's opponent provides all the stimulation they need to develop good soccer instincts, which is further enhanced if the game is structured to be age-appropriate. In such a game players have many opportunities to make decisions, move the ball, explore their primary roles, and adjust their play.

Coaches and parents will always see more than their players do, so it requires patience and self-discipline not to say what you think they should be doing. Let the players play the game their way. They are all doing their best, given their age and experience, and don't need to be urged to play harder or smarter than they already are. Build an appreciation for the patterns you see in their development. Once you do, you will discover many subtle moments to applaud.

When I read this, something suddenly fell into place, and it has only a little to do with soccer. Rather, it has to do with silence. As parents many of us feel duty bound to instruct our children continuously, to talk to them, to explain and to inform. There is so much they need to know, and how else will they learn it unless we tell them? As it turns out, there are many other, often better ways. And while there are certainly times when our children need to hear directly from us, there are also times when we need, bluntly, to shut up please.

So when are those times? How do we know when to direct our young kids and when to let them make their own mistakes and discoveries? As we move through the days together, are we "over-coaching"? Or are we practicing patience and self-discipline and letting them "play the game their way"? And are we, along the way, building our own capacity to appreciate our children's unique process of development? We'll be exploring these questions in the coming days, and hope you will join us in giving some thought to the benefits of keeping quiet as a parent

And about that silent game: it came off beautifully. The girls played neither better nor worse than they usually do, but a layer of tension had evaporated. And so we parents and kids alike were the quiet beneficiaries.

When has silence worked for you?

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