Manic Motherhood: If it's Labor Day, You Must be Camping...Or Crazy

Manic Motherhood

Labor Day is nearly here and you know what that means. Yes, we must stop wearing white shoes-although to be honest I've been never stopped. Does anyone really stop wearing white shoes just because of an arbitrary date on a calendar? That aside, to me, what Labor Day really means is that summer is nearly gone and many people are getting ready for their last chance to experience a terrifying thing called "camping." Sure, it looks like fun. But what person in their right mind wants to abandon all of life's little luxuries, like indoor plumbing and HBO, for a weekend in a pup tent with four kids, a spouse and the family dog?

Not me. I have a strict no-camping policy. If Hubby and Junior are insane enough to brave the outside world without a working toilet, running water or air conditioning, that's their deal and they do it without me tagging along. Personally, I've never understood the allure of the great outdoors. And I certainly have never understood why people actually want to leave their nice, comfy beds and working toilets to go to a place where neither is available. It's mind boggling to me that people who are otherwise perfectly sane would want to spend the night sleeping on the cold, rocky ground in a tent that doesn't have WiFi access or-this might be the worst part of all-a shower.

And then there's that whole nature thing. Look, let's be real here. Nature is pretty, but frankly nature is just as pretty when you are looking out a window at it as when you are standing in it. And nature, pretty or not, can be downright mean. Who among us hasn't suffered from allergies? Who hasn't walked out in nature, reveled at the majesty of the trees and the sky and the land and then stepped in some sort of animal doo? Listen, you can revel from a dang window and only step in doo from your own animal. Trust me. I speak from experience.

There is a reason why we live in houses. Nobody really wants to sleep outside. It can be cold. It can be hot. It can be muggy and filled with mosquitoes. And yet, crazy people leave the comfort of their homes to travel long distances just so they can sleep outside in a tent. Why? Why would people do this? What's the point? You have a nice warm bed in a nice warm house. You leave it to sleep in a smelly old sleeping bag on the ground in a tent. Am I the only person who thinks this is nuts?

Why did people invent mattresses if we were just as happy sleeping on the ground? And why invent indoor plumbing if a tree would do just as well? And showers? Heck, if a river was just as nice as a hot shower, why bother? I'll tell you why. Because nobody wanted to live their entire lives sleeping on the ground and using a tree as a commode. Let's not even get into the river thing, because we all know that you're living in " de Nile" if you think a river and a hot shower are the same thing.

And let's talk about cleanliness, shall we? It is quite apparent to me that nature abhors a vacuum. It also abhors a dusting cloth and washing with soap and water. Nature is dirty, people. It is made of dirt, for pete's sake. There are no sanitary facilities in the great outdoors. In fact, people who camp usually start their trip clean and fresh and end up dirty and stinking to high heaven. I don't know about you, but there's something about it that just doesn't say "vacation" to me.

And what about bugs? Many of us have pest control guys--those masked heroes of suburbia, who rid the neighborhood of all kinds of icky, crawly things. And yet, some of you venture out into the wild, to places that have never, ever been visited by a pest control person. I think it's insane. You pay a guy to get rid of pests, then you vacation in a place where pests can crawl up your nose while you're sleeping. Does that make any sense to you at all?

Oh, I know I won't change everyone's mind about camping. There are those of you, my husband and son included, who believe that we should all spend time in nature. And there are those us, myself included, who believe that nature is stunning and beautiful and best viewed through freshly washed windows.

------------------

About Manic Motherhood: Laurie Sontag is the author of the popular humor blog, Manic Motherhood at http://lauriesontag.com and has been a humor columnist for California newspapers since 2001. If you can't find her at Manic Motherhood, check under the sofa. She's not there, but she likes it when somebody else tries to find the lost socks and freak out the dust bunnies.