Let me start by saying that I actually do love my kids. All of them. Most of the time. Okay, all of the time. But some days . . . Well, some days, I don't really like them. Some days I want to place an add that reads like this:
For Sale! One Slightly Used 14-Year-Old!
He's housebroken and he doesn't waste time in the bathroom by doing any frivolous things like changing the empty toilet paper roll.
He Doesn't Require Laundry!
You won't have to do his laundry because he's perfectly happy wearing any dirty ole thing he finds on his floor even if he's already worn it a time or two or ten.
He Knows Everything!
If you want to know the answer to anything (ANYTHING AT ALL), just ask him because he knows EVERYTHING! Seriously, he's better than Google. Never again will you have to feel foolish for thinking you know something important when, in fact, you have no clue. He'll be happy to point it out when you're wrong.
Related: 14 little ways our kids drive us majorly crazy
He'll Take Care of Your Leftovers!
Tired of having leftovers that go uneaten? You won't anymore with this amazing 14-year-old who can pack away food like a goat. Or an elephant. Or a garbage disposal.
There's No Need to Cook for Him!
And if you ever do forget to feed him, not to worry. He can live off the remnants of past meals that cover every surface of his room. One bite of a hotdog, nacho cheese crusted on a plate, a few sips of Dr. Pepper remaining in the 2 liter bottle discarded on his floor.
He'll Protect Your Family!
If you ever have a zombie invasion, he's your man. Thanks to countless hours of practice playing Call of Duty: Black Ops, he'll be able to defend you from the brain-eating, walking undead.
He'll Mow Your Lawn! Sort of...
When you tell him to mow your lawn, he'll not only mow it, but he'll make a pretty pattern in your grass by only mowing every other row to save time.
He'll Provide Entertainment!
He'll provide hours of America's Funniest Home Videos-type entertainment! You'll sit on the edge of your seat, as you alternately cringe and laugh while he scales the side of the house, jumps off the roof, lands in the bushes, and then tries it once more because the first time wasn't stupid painful enough.
Serious inquiries only please.
Interested parties, should inquire within.
No warranties, refunds, or exchanges.
Due to the many requests I've had regarding a trade: No thank you; I'm really not interested in trading my slightly used, attitude-riddled teen for one of your slightly used, attitude-riddled teens since that sort of defeats my purpose, but thank you anyway.
-By Dawn Meehan
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