The One Word Parents Never Want to Hear Again

The one word we all really need to stop saying"I hate when my son says that word," the mom of a 10-year-old griped to me. "I tell him not to, but he keeps using it!' We'd been talking about the word "retard" and how offensive it is to me as the parent of a child of intellectual disability-and to my son, too, even though he does not yet understand the meaning of the word.

Today is a national awareness day for Spread The Word To End The Word, a campaign created by the Special Olympics. Even as parents of kids with special needs have pleaded with others to just use a different word that's not demeaning or offensive, kids and adults still aren't getting why it's a crappy word. Doubters claim it's perfectly fine to use as slang. Others say we're stomping on their freedom of speech. That we're being too politically correct. That we're being overly sensitive.

Thing is, it is personal when people basically equate my son, Max-who has cerebral palsy and cognitive impairment-with a word that means stupid or loser. In case you're wondering, "mental retardation" was once an accepted clinical diagnosis. It no longer is because the words "retard" and "retarded" have become derogatory, yet the ghosts of its past linger on. When someone jokingly calls a person a "retard" or describes a situation as "retarded," they perpetuate the stereotype that people with intellectual disability are stupid or uncool.

Related: 10 things you should NEVER say to the parent of a child with special needs

I told that mom that she might need to better help her son understand why the word is demeaning. And then, in hopes of helping lots of people get it, I asked other parents of kids with special needs to speak their minds-and their hearts-about why the word "retard" is so, so offensive.

These are the reasons they can't stand the word. Read. Absorb. Understand.

1. Because it makes people think kids with disabilities are inferior
"Eliminating the r-word wasn't really on my radar until my son, Nathan, was four months old. I was standing with a group of friends and associates having a business discussion when one of them, a female friend, blurted 'That's so retarded!" It cut me to the core. In the moment I couldn't quite put my finger on why, because I knew she wasn't thinking of my son when she said it. Later, as I wrestled with my hurt feelings, it occurred to me why it had upset me so: By using an accepted medical/clinical term to describe a situation she thought was ridiculous, she had indicated that my son and every other person to whom that term might reasonably be applied are ridiculous. With one casual and careless remark, she said to the world that people like my son are 'less than.'" --Andi Sligh of Bringing The Sunshine; her son, Nathan, has Down syndrome

2. Because it's so NOT cool to use the word
"It may seem 'cool' to use the word 'retarded' or 'tard' or 'f#@&-tard' to describe people, places or things. But how 'cool' does it make you to use the word 'retarded' when you know that, even if you're using it 'ironically,' the very people it insults may not be able to defend themselves? Not very cool. Would you look a sweet little boy like my son Gavin in the eyes and use that word? Or would you rather look into his little brother's eyes and explain that you 'didn't mean it that way' or 'it's all about free speech' or 'don't be so sensitive?' Think about it. Is it really worth it to you to defend your use of a word over defending the feelings of another human being?" --Kate Leong of Chasing Rainbows; her oldest son, Gavin, has developmental delays

3. Because the word really, really hurts
"Once, an old lady at Safeway pointed to my daughter and said 'mongoloid retard' with a question in her voice. My jaw dropped. I think she mistook my jaw on the floor for incomprehension, because her next move was the international gesture for 'stupid' or 'crazy'-the swooping circular loop alongside her head. Tears sprang to my eyes. My heart felt like a billion pounds of hurt. Shock rippled through my system-how could anyone possibly associate such ugly words and gestures with my beautiful daughter? My shock and hurt was lightly guilt-laced: I wondered if being the recipient of the old lady's words was payback because years ago, I myself casually used the word 'retard.' That moment in Safeway may or may not have actually been karmic retribution. I'll accept it as such and forgive that woman for the pain her words caused me, because I know firsthand now how easy it is to not know any better, to be ignorant of the hurt we spread by using words that wound. But this is the thing: Once you know, once you are aware of it, then to use the word makes you something else: a sadist." --Meriah Nichols of With A Little Moxie; her daughter Moxie has Down syndrome

4. Because we don't want our kids to be the brunt of negativity
"My son Charlie, who's five, loves pop music and one the greatest treats for him is to listen to something like Lady Gaga while we're in the car. If he does well in therapy, I will often reward him by letting him listen to the local pop station. Imagine my dismay when the DJ declared something to be 'retarded' and she clearly didn't mean it as a compliment. I quickly changed the station, but in my mind, the damage was done. My child hears everything and I know he heard that. As he gets older, he'll learn that other people think that he carries that same negative label. I'm sure the DJ didn't mean any harm, but the word carries with it a host of emotions and issues that most people don't even realize." --Katy Monnot of Bird on the Street; her son Charlie has cerebral palsy

5. Because it's not about censorship-it's about decency
"I'm not one to correct people in their grammar or poke fun if they misspell something on Facebook. But when it comes to using the r-word in my presence-especially in front of my 7 year-old son, Norrin-I have to say something. So many people toss that word out without thinking about what they are saying or about the group of individuals they are hurting. We have a close friend who uses that word constantly, and he uses it in front of Norrin. Norrin doesn't know what that word means, and I want to keep him from it as long as possible. I know my friend loves Norrin and he doesn't mean any real harm. And it was really hard for me to correct someone so close to us. I told him I don't like him using that word and now when it slips, he catches himself and quickly apologizes. It's a word so deeply engrained in our culture. But we need to keep having these uncomfortable conversations and it needs to start with our loved ones." --Lisa Quinones-Fontanez of Babble; her son, Norrin, has autism

- By Ellen Seidman

For 5 more reasons we all need to stop saying "retard," visit Babble!

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Ellen Seidman is a magazine editor, web content developer and award-winning writer. She blogs at 1000 Perplexing Things About Parenthood for Babble, as well as at Love That Max. Ellen lives in the New York area with her husband, two kids and assorted dustballs.


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