Parenting Guru – Pre-school Lessons: Not Just for Kids

My daughter, age three and a half, has learned a lot in pre-school this year (thank you amazing teachers; you rock). The class has covered, among other topics, the alphabet, numbers, opposites, colors, animals, and interesting bits of geography. Maya can tell me a dozen facts about spiders now and explain the merits of composting and vegetable gardens. We are pleased with the curriculum and all she's learning.

What I didn't anticipate were all the lessons I would learn, as a parent, from having a daughter in pre-school. Three in particular come to mind.

Lesson 1: Table Manners.

Don't get the wrong impression. My husband and I do insist on a certain degree of civility when we share family meals. But after observing the niceties the teachers taught the kids at pre-school, I suddenly questioned myself: are we table manners slackers?

In Maya's class, the children sing a thank you song before eating. The boys have been taught "ladies first" and they do indeed pass the small water pitchers and daily snacks to the girls first, no matter how tempted they are to grab. The children have learned to use small serving spoons or tongs to put snacks like toast, grapes, or animal crackers on their plates. (Tongs! I still use my hands to pick up grapes!) The teachers also taught the children "tummies to the table" to encourage good posture and less squirming, as well as a three-step routine for leaving the table (asking permission, busing their plates, and putting scraps in the compost bin.)

Wow. You better believe these excellent procedures have been duly noted and instituted at our house! (To my credit, I have taught my child "please," "thank you" and closed mouth-chewing all on my own. I swear.)

Lesson 2: Forgiveness.

There are two boys in my daughter's pre-school class who are -- how shall I say this politely -- like little tornadoes roaring through the classroom, each some times getting a little too physical (and sometimes too angry) with the other kids. I observed one boy put his hands around my daughter's neck and squeeze in a mock attack move. The other boy planted his feet in my daughter's lower back and pushed her off her floor seat so he could have the spot. Both times my daughter cried and both times, you better believe I saw Mother-Hen-Red.

In knee-jerk fashion I shouted "Hey! Do NOT do that!" in both cases, but then deferred to the teachers who took over the disciplinarian roles in calm and firm teacher's playbook fashion. (Wounded kid articulates "I don't like it when you choke/hit/tease/me. Stop that." Antagonizing kid must apologize. And yes, at this tender age of 3, they then are asked to hug for closure. The stunning part -- it seems to work!)

I was still upset hours later and found myself quizzing my daughter about both boys. Yet all Maya really had to say was: "I don't like it when they act that way. Sometimes those boys are mean to me, but other times they are nice." And that was the end of that subject. The next day, the Forgive-and-Forget Kids are playing happily again. Then there is me, Miss-Angry-Grudge, thinking "What? How could you hang with that kid?" Dang. I realize I need to take a page out of their playbook. Forgiveness. It's a good thing.

Lesson 3: Perfection is not the goal.

I don't perceive myself as a perfectionist in any way. I like getting messy. I learn from my mistakes rather than dreading them. I can see the beauty or charm in things that are flawed or strange. Yet these attitudes flew right out the door when it came to several of my daughter's class projects this year. What happened?

Example 1 - Several parents were invited to help make a volcano for the school science fair. Three of us were assigned the beginning step of dipping newspaper strips into a paper mache starch mixture and affixing the strips on a chicken-wire volcano foundation. Obviously, this is a messy and inexact task. So why did I self-consciously begin comparing my dipping and affixing techniques to the other Moms?

"Am I doing this right?

Did I use too much starch? Too little?

Has she put on more strips than me?"

Neurotic Mama at craft table 1! Thankfully, I calmed down when the teacher said "just slap the stuff on, it's all good!" When the other Moms also joked about their messy techniques, I was able to stop obsessing and just have fun. I even enjoyed picking dried paste off my arms and wiping my hands on my starchy, glop-covered shirt.

Example 2 - The children were sent home with a large piece of butcher paper they had laid on, their outlines drawn by teachers in black marker. The assignment: "have your child decorate their images however they like and bring them back for hanging as decorations at our fund-raising event." The operative phrases should have been "your child" and "however they like." Yet I heard "decorations" and "event."

Oh yeah, I was way too into that project. Granted, Maya did ask me to draw the face, but I also drew the outlines for the dress and shoes and later added a glued on necklace when Maya wasn't even in the room. Not cool. Maya did have a grand time painting in her dress (with brushes and a potato stamp, so at least I was trying to encourage her fun!), but darn if I didn't start hovering with the unforgivable "Careful, you're going outside the lines!" commentary. I cringed even as I said it, and yet I couldn't seem to stop. So, so not cool.

At the fundraiser, I felt some relief seeing that I was not the only parent who had…um…er…contributed to the artistic vision of the finished

"child's artwork." Still, what made the real impression on me were the rows and rows of other kids' painted self-portraits: the ones with 3 eyes, or no eyes, the "abstracts" and the "all-over-the-lines-and-back" scribble paintings. Here were the wonderful, genuine efforts of 3 and 4 year old kids asked to create their self-portraits. I got it, and I made a mental note.

I know that I have years of take-home assignments and requests for help with school work ahead of me. I know that some parental help is a good thing, and that there are constructive and less constructive ways to support kids with school assignments. But for now, I've made myself a promise. The next time Maya has a home art project assigned, I'm putting a tray of supplies on the table, brewing myself a cup of tea, and just watching her do her thing, perfection not required or desired.

I am really glad my daughter is in pre-school. I've got so much more to learn.

Do you find it a struggle to step back and let your kids solve their own peer fights and/or do their own take-home school projects?