Parenting Guru: A response to "The opposite of a 'Tiger Mother': leaving your children behind"

Look, I didn't really like that article either, and think the women portrayed in it came off as selfish and out of touch.

With that said...

I am a single mom. And sometimes, I think I really may just have it all. Here's why...

I lost all of sense of self during the years that I was married, and the early years of Sarah, my daughters, life. I suspect this is common, but as mamas, we don't like to admit it. I have always tried to be honest about parenting, and come on. It totally sucks sometimes. You are exhausted. You can't lose the baby weight. Your husband doesn't help like he should. You maybe left a job where you were a superstar, to spend your days covered in spit up...and soy spit up for that matter because your husband bought the wrong damn formula so you were kind of stuck with it going forward. And now you're worried that you may have forever ruined her with that awful soy...oh wait, that's me.

Do not tell me you never thought it sucked, because I won't believe you and I won't like you. And I love my daughter more than I knew I was capable of loving anyone or anything. And I am more grateful for her than words could possibly express. But it sucked sometimes.

All of the things I thought I would do, thought I would be, thought I would feel...were gone. So how did I come out of that?

I got divorced. I didn't abandon my daughter, but I did abandon her father.

I divorced the guy who complained when I asked him to watch the baby so I could take a shower. Who never gave me a break. Whose excuse for everything was that he worked and I stayed at home. And because he worked so hard, he did not need to help with the baby, the housework, me, ever. Which, incidentally, continued once I went back to work. I know some of you can relate, and some of your marriages survived that. Mine didn't. I left.

And guess what? When I left, suddenly, he was responsible for this fabulous child sometimes (per the divorce decree) which meant...I got to take a nice long shower occasionally. And slowly, I got back in touch with me. Someone I knew before I lost all sense of self. And I am a better mother for it.

I get lots of wonderful time with my beautiful daughter, and I get lots of wonderful time as an individual, adult, on non-custodial weekends. I do get the freedom the women in the article clearly needed. I wouldn't have made the choice they did, but I get it. They wanted to be something other than a mother and a wife, and they couldn't make it work. I couldn't either.

When I was newly divorced, any separation from my daughter was brutal but ten years later, it is just our life, and it is awesome. Perfect? No. No. Does anyone want to destroy a family? No, and those women who left their kids didn't either, but it was a choice they had to make, and the alternatives were likely worse.

How do you married with children mamas make it work? Are you happy? Do you know who you are? When your beautiful children leave your nest, do you have your own life to return to? Because I feel strongly that you should, hopefully as a whole person in your marriage. These children are only ours for a season.

Clare is a Shine Parenting Guru. A single, working mom to a tween daughter in Austin TX, Clare spends a lot of her time managing her various alter egos when not focusing on the one that's a mother. You can read more from her at "Life on the C Train"