Parenting Guru: Dating as a single parent

As a single mom who has been single for the majority of my twelve-year-old daughter's life, and who has an active dating life, I am often asked about introducing a significant other to my daughter. I have been asked this from single moms and from single dads alike.

The primary question is this one: How long should you wait to introduce your children to your girlfriend/boyfriend?

Unfortunately there isn't a nice simple calculation for that. Take the child's age x the number of months you've been seeing your new love / 2 if he has kids of his own x 2 if he's > 5 years younger than you / by pi and....voila! Nope, it doesn't work that way. I wish it did.

And beyond the introduction, how do you manage it?

I've done this right on occasion and I've also screwed it up royally on occasion. I'll share some of the insight I've gained trying to navigate this complicated path.

[It goes without saying that first and foremost, you have to be certain your new love interest poses no threat to you or your children.]

Don't...bring a significant other into the lives of your children too soon after you divorce/separate.

If you haven't been divorced for more than a year, your children are not ready. You are likely rebounding even though you feel crazy intoxicated in love. You may be dying to bring together all of the people you love most, I've been there, but put on the brakes. Put your children before your own pleasure. When you are spinning from a divorce and spinning from a new love it is very easy to lose perspective on what is really important: the emotional health of your children.

Don't...lose your head.

I've been guilty of this one. The guy was gorgeous, charming, generous and said all of the right things. I had been divorced several years and was ready for the life he was offering. He seemed to be the entire package. He very quickly and methodically worked his way into our lives and ultimately was not the person I thought he was. No major harm done, but I had a lot of explaining to do with my daughter (Yes, I thought we were going to get married, but no, we definitely are not, I was wrong. Yes I know you liked him and he was a lot of fun, etc.) and in retrospect there were many warning signs I should have seen. But I lost my head.

It is hard not to lose your head but again...put on the brakes every time. If it's right, there is no need to rush anything, and if you are being rushed or pressured, that is a big red flag. It's a marathon, not a sprint.

Do...put your children first.

Every time. Your kids were here first. You don't have them forever. In the grand scheme of things, helping your daughter ace that project in her french class is so much more important than a hot date. If the guy you are interested in is right, he will understand. If he doesn't, move on.

Do...communicate with your children.

The type of communication depends on the age of your children, and you are not obligated to have full disclosure with your offspring. But letting your kids know this is someone important and significant in your life is okay. Your children are watching and learning from you as you navigate the dating world, like it or not. It is your reality and it is their reality, and it's okay. You might be wishing you were modeling a happy marriage for your kids, but instead model a healthy and balanced dating life for them. And be sure your children know they still come first.

Do...be sure you still have one-on-one time with your children, without the boyfriend.

You've been seeing the guy for awhile. You see a future with him. You've introduced him to your kids. Now, don't have him around 24 x 7 unless you want your kids to resent him. Have I mentioned this life is a marathon, not a sprint? As much as you want to be with this person all the time, be sure there are plenty of times that it is just you and your children.

Do...be a healthy and whole person with or without a significant other.

Remember, your kids are watching you. I don't want my daughter believing she has to have a man in her life to be happy and fulfilled. Sarah has seen me date and be happy in a relationship, and she has seen me just as happy without anyone in my life. Set a healthy example for your children.

Do you have any advice for those of us out there dating with kids? Chime in, Shine single parents!

Clare is a Shine Parenting Guru and a Yahoo! Get It Guide Guru. When she isn't doling out her wisdom on dating, cooking, or parenting she is being a mama her tween daughter, working full time, and out there dating...unless, of course, her daughter has a french project to get done. You can read more from her at Life on the C Train at Yahoo! Shine.