Parenting Guru: I'm the cool mom. But is that a good thing?

Somehow or another, I am, according to my daughter and her group of friends, hands down the "coolest mom." The "most awesome" and they also think I "look really young." Or, as one of her friends said, "You look good in jeans. My mother doesn't."

Well, first of all, holy cow I Iove that, especially the young part! At least, loving that is my first reaction. My first reaction actually concerns me somewhat because I think I am getting just a little too much satisfaction from the approval of a bunch of tween girls. But that is an issue for another post. Or my therapist. Probably both.

Once I get past that, I'm somewhat intrigued. Being the cool mom is nowhere on my agenda. I want Sarah and her friends to have fun, to make good choices, to be kind to one another, to be good human beings, and to be respectful to me and to each other. All of that is on my agenda. I often have the entire group of girls at my house, and those girls know that if they act out of line, they will hear from me. So, why am I cool?

Another mom shed a little light on it for me. She said her daughter says they can "do whatever they want at (my) house."

Aha.

Now this is interesting.

Technically, up to this point, that is a true statement. Why can they do "whatever they want" at my house? Because they are spectacular kids and so far, they have never done anything to cause me to lay down any strict rules. Now, one morning, I woke up to such a horrific mess in my kitchen that I stormed into the living room where all of them were sleeping, woke their butts up before 8 a.m. and made them get up and clean the kitchen while I sat outside and drank my coffee. And yes, my daughter was horrified. And no, my kitchen has never been destroyed like that again.

Yet I am the cool mom and they can do whatever they want.

Here is my little theory. I am managing them with culture. We have a culture at our house, like there is a culture at my office. There are things that are okay, and things that are not okay, that aren't laid out in a set of rules, or, at the office, in an employee handbook. There is an unspoken set of expectations, and there are known, but unspoken consequences for failing to meet those expectations.

Maybe this is my business school brain taking over, but I think I'm on to something. It is much easier (and in the workplace, cheaper) to let a good culture guide behavior, and that is what is happening in my home with these crazy, prepubescent girls. I do believe they know that this cool mom will disappear the moment they stop behaving so nicely. That as long as they are good kids, and meet my expectations then yes, we are going to have a rollicking good time at my house and they can "do whatever they want."

What do you think about my culture-at-home theory? Am I on to something good here?


Clare is a Shine Parenting Guru. A single, working mom to a tween daughter in Austin TX, Clare spends a lot of her time managing her various alter egos when not focusing on the one that's a mother. You can read more from her at "Life on the C Train"