Parenting Guru: Managing tween drama

It's here. The DRAMA!

My daughter Sarah is part of a group of five girls, and they are the "BFFLs." (Best Friends for Life. Pronounced Biffles. It's cute.) These are all great kids, thankfully, but they are acting their age (6th grade), and those of you who have already gone through this know exactly what I'm talking about.

The drama has heated up in recent weeks, and it all swirls around one girl. We'll call her Amy. Amy can be a handful, and the rest of the group is tired of it. Sarah has been talking to me about this situation a lot, rapidly, and I can only understand her because I too can speak rapid-fire Valley Girl thank goodness.

Point Number One: I love that she is talking to me about it, even if it is, like, totally exhausting to hear.

Sarah has never been the target of one of Amy's attacks, and Sarah loves Amy, but she also does not like her behavior or how she treats the other BFFLs and other people in general. Watching my daughter work through this has been one of those rare parenting moments where I feel like I have managed to do something right.

One of Sarah's biggest issues is that Amy is quick to judge people for shallow things like what they wear or other trivialities. It really, really bothers her. Sarah likes to use the "don't judge a book by its cover" phrase. A close second is that Amy can dish it out all day long but can't take it for a second (my phrasing). And related, the fact that she does dish it out all day long in the first place. She can be mean.

Point Number Two: I love the sense of injustice Sarah feels even though she herself has been spared.

So after she got her head around exactly what was bothering her about Amy? She told her. Told her she should appreciate the friends she has and that she needs to be nicer. That if she can't do those things, she is going to lose her friends. That it is not okay to behave the way she has been behaving and that there are consequences. And Sarah means it. For as much as she loves Amy, and she really does, and this has been hard because nothing bad has gone on between the two of them, Sarah is very convicted about her behavior. She is willing to walk away from the friendship if Amy doesn't change her ways.

Point Number Three: Wow. Wow! I did not have guts like that in the 6th grade!

I have been surprised and delighted by the maturity she has shown me throughout this drama. I know this will get worse before it gets better, but I am so proud of the strength she is showing me now.

As a mama, I have spent most of my time just listening to her. And I validate her feelings. "You are right, and I understand why that upsets you. That isn't nice." She was practically in tears about it the other night, sweet thing that she is.

And then I find myself helping her frame things somewhat by asking questions. "What do you think might cause Amy to change that behavior?" Or, "It makes sense but is that really what you want to do?"

I don't want to give her the answers, or even really give her my opinion, but I do want to help navigate. A big part of her education at this age is learning how to manage people and relationships and I don't want to get in the way of her learning. And honestly, she is doing such a great job of this on her own that I don't want to throw her off course in any way.

I have seen a side of my daughter that I didn't know was there, and that is just about one of the coolest parenting moments ever. Have your kids ever surprised you with a side of themselves you didn't know? I would so love to hear about it. An inner strength, a talent, an ability? A time they stood up to peer pressure, or stood up for someone else?


Clare is a Shine Parenting Guru. A single, working mom to a tween daughter in Austin TX, Clare spends a lot of her time managing her various alter egos when not focusing on the one that's a mother. You can read more from her at "Life on the C Train"