Parenting Guru - Messiness is Relative
The other night I told my four-year old daughter that dinner would be ready soon and it was time to pick up her toys.
"Can't I play for another five minutes?" she pleaded. I agreed.
Five minutes later, I head to the living room to see that what began as a few random items strewn about had morphed into piles of papers, crayons, dolls, pillows, blankets, magic wands, and books. There wasn't a square inch of floor left to walk.
I heard one of my mother's old expressions coming out of me: "How did you make such a disaster area in here so quickly? Pick this up!"
She glowered at me and my apparent lack of vision. "But Mom," she whined, holding out both arms to encompass her disaster zone. "This is all part of my story-game I'm playing!" She then crossed her arms defiantly, willing me to appreciate the land-o'-fun she had just created in all its chaotic glory. I hate serving dinner cold, so I told her fine, after dinner she can play a bit more and then clean up.
I found my husband in the kitchen, a look of mild exasperation on his face as he took in the "culinary canvas" I had created across every surface. (Background note: by mutual agreement, I cook and he does dishes.)
Now, it was true that I had once again managed to use almost every pot and pan we own. Measuring cups and cutting boards were strewn about, counters were covered with spills and spices, and some vegetable trimmings were scattered around as if by the wind.
It's not that I couldn't see what he was seeing, but like my daughter a few minutes ago, I felt frustrated. He is always appreciative of the meals I create, so why couldn't he also just roll with my kitchen in all its chaotic glory?
It hit me then. My ah-ha moment. My daughter's mess wasn't messy to her, or even if it was messy, it served a fun and creative purpose. Same logic held for me in the kitchen. So perhaps this is what I came to realize in that moment: messiness is relative. One person's mess can be another person's pleasure.
Messiness is also relative because even when we agree something is messy, we may react to it differently depending on the context. Recently I was looking at some old digital photos of our daughter and found the image shown here. There she was as a wee tyke, happily shoveling fists full of apple-blueberry sauce in her mouth. She also took great joy in using the sauce as finger paint and hair product as well. The high-chair and floor were coated with the stuff.
I can tell you that my husband and I loved this moment. We not only took photos, but videotaped. You can hear us as the camera rolls, giggling, narrating every new smear and plop of sauce on her lap, applauding her rejection of her baby spoon. We adored our messy baby!
Fast forward to today. Our daughter, now four, is still a messy kid (aren't they all?) But now I catch us reacting at times with an OCD-like response when food covers her face, spills on her clothes or hits the floor. We hurriedly pass her napkins, point to her chin until she wipes off offending smears, and some times halt the meal on principle until she picks her Cheerios off the floor. So what changed?
Perhaps cute messy-baby scenes are only cute the first few times. Perhaps we feel at this age, kids need to demonstrate some basic skills in cleaning up after themselves. Perhaps we're just human and tired of cleaning up these explosions of food and toys!
Still, we work to remind ourselves of a basic truth: you can't tell a kid never to make a mess. One, it's futile when they're genetically wired to do so (I'm sure I read that somewhere.) Two, doing so puts a serious damper on the joy and pleasure of their creativity and play. Three, it's hypocritical if we're making our own grown-up messes in the other room!
I get this now, especially when I see the parallels between my daughter's busy play scene and the kitchen when I cook. She doesn't want us to be blind to the fantastic play scene she has created by emptying out her toy box. And I don't want anyone telling me to "clean as I cook" when I'm busy channeling Julia Child. There's time enough for cleaning when the fun parts are over.
I think I'll go throw some toys on the floor with my daughter now.
What about you -- have you made any messes with your kids lately?
