Parenting Guru: My biggest parenting mistake

To be honest: I do not want to write this post. One of the things I like about starting my posts with the title, "Parenting Guru," is thinking that I actually have some words of wisdom to share with people. I would rather not come face to face with the fact that I have really messed up when it comes to parenting my kids. I like to try to pretend that my kids won't be in therapy some day in the future, trying to get their therapist to help them untangle the psychological knots that I have tied.

Unfortunately, I am all too aware that I mess up as a parent every single day. Try as I might to keep my mistakes to a minimum, I can hardly get my kids out the door to school in the morning without saying something that I will regret later in the day.

Nowhere is my parenting failure so evident to me as it is when I look at my oldest. When she was born, I wanted to do everything exactly right. Feeding, sleeping, playing: every aspect of her infant life came under scrutiny because I had time and attention and a singular drive to succeed as a mother. We didn't need to childproof! I was always right there to tell her, "no!" and make sure she was redirected to something more safe. She couldn't have a "treat" until she had eaten enough of her healthy meal. When I look back on that time, I can see how desperately I tried to stay in control, regulating almost every aspect of her life.

Now she has grown into a rules-conscious little girl. Not only is she hyper-conscious of the rules for her own life, she is very concerned that everyone around her follow the rules as well. With her three siblings, I have learned to relax a little bit; now I know which battles are worth fighting. My poor daughter cannot understand why I don't want to regulate every aspect of her siblings' lives, just the way she would like to do.

Even worse is the fact that she is a high-stress, nervous little girl. She beats herself up any time she makes a mistake. She worries about trying new things because she may not know how to do them the right way. Stomachaches are frequent for her as a result of all the little things she finds to worry about.

I spend a lot of time each day now trying to figure out how to get both of us to relax. She is a great conversationalist, so I try to find opportunities to talk to her about letting other adults take responsibility for the rules. We talk about helping her find ways to enjoy this time just being a kid, since she won't get to be one forever.

I hate to think about making mistakes (hmmm--like mother, like daughter, I guess). The best that I can do now is be willing to admit that I have made a mistake and do what I can to make it up to her.

And if that doesn't work, I guess I'll rely on her future therapist to help her out.

Melanie is a Shine Parenting Guru. When she isn't messing up her kids' lives, she blogs at (after)life and at tales from the crib.