Parenting Guru: What I don't want for my daughter

I've taken a little heat for a post I wrote recently wherein I admit that I have not enjoyed every moment of being a parent, and, even more scandalous, admit that I enjoy my non-custodial weekends.

Contrary to popular opinion, neither of these things mean that a) I should not be a mother, b) I am not a good mother or c) that I do not love my daughter fiercely.

But since I do like to stir it up sometimes, I'm just going to jump right back into the fray and appall many of you all over again.

Want to know what I don't want for my daughter? I don't want for her to get married in her early twenties, move to the 'burbs, and spend the next twenty years of her life living for her husband and her children.

Wait, before you totally freak out on me.

First of all, if that is what she wants, and she is truly happy with that life? I will support her 100% and be there to spoil my grandchildren as much as she'll let me. Secondly, I have many friends living that life that are truly happy. But that isn't my dream for Sarah. It's not my first choice as far as what I hope her life looks like.

Honestly, she will never know what I want and dream for her, because all I care about is that she is happy and healthy and living the life she wants to live. My job is to open as many doors for her as I can, and help her walk through the ones of her choosing. Ultimately, it doesn't matter what I want, it matters what she wants.

But that aside, I will say here, I hope that if she chooses to be a mama, she also chooses to be other things. I hope she has many meaningful friendships, as I do, and I hope she takes some time to nurture those friendships, because they will in turn nurture her.

I hope she goes on a trip at least once a year with those girlfriends, and lets her hair down, and laughs, and dances, and is just Sarah for a moment, and not a mother, wife, employee, daughter, sister, or any other title she may have.

Now, I don't hope that she does these things on non-custodial weekends. I hope she has a fabulous spouse and that they each give the other time for those things.

I hope she likes to write, or sing, or paint, or dance, or something, and I hope she takes classes or otherwise takes time to enjoy whatever it is, even if it means leaving her kids with a grandparent or sitter for an hour or so each week to do that.

I hope she finds a career that she enjoys, and that challenges her. And I hope that if she wants to work, and doesn't want to be a stay-at-home mom (assuming she even has that choice), that she will do that and know she can still be a good mom.

I hope that if, in the course of that career, she finds herself faced with a dead end, she'll know that she can do something like go to grad school and create opportunities for herself, because she saw her own mom do that even though it was hard on her, and hard on her mom.

Sarah knows, without a doubt, how much I love her. And she knows, without a doubt, that I am always here for her in one way or another. And she knows that while being her mother is the biggest, and most important, and most fun part of my life, there are other important parts as well.

And I don't think this is a bad example to set. What do you not want for your children?


Clare is a Shine Parenting Guru. A single, working mom to a tween daughter in Austin TX, Clare spends a lot of her time managing her various alter egos when not focusing on the one that's a mother. You can read more from her at "Life on the C Train"